It would’ve been a great way to go out, but CrossFit HQ saw fit to shut my scam down. Not necessarily like Russell Berger’s slimy expose on Gym Jones, but certainly an experience I would’ve converted into some Beastmodal Domains chuckles.
A while back I was comp’d a spot at a CrossFit Level 1 Trainer Course:
Shortly after I published this, CrossFit HQ (they’ve known my real name for months) fuckstomped the whole thing. Dave Castro sent an email to the hosting gym and informed them my “scholarship” (they seriously call it that) would be given to someone “less abusive to CrossFit.” I can’t go into details, but the bottom line is: I didn’t spend last weekend fucking the stuffing out of a med-ball.
My interaction with HQ on the matter was polite on both ends and I completely understand their decision. I was informed I could still attend any Level 1 Course, so long as I paid for it.
No thanks. With no intentions of actually becoming a CrossFit coach, I’m not going to waste $1,000 to be taught how to count almonds and encourage clients to lift with shitty form.
On this site, I’ve needled HQ a bit from time to time. But I guess the Advice For New Affiliate Owners post really pissed them off. Knowing how easy Glassassinations get handed out, and fearing deaffiliation just because I mentioned ZORG, the owners of my former gym and I agreed it best that I no longer be a member there.
Regarding ZorgFit- HQ didn’t shut us down as some have suspected. It’s just that Robb Wolf, Catalyst Athletics and myself all decided that mocking CrossFit HQ is not the most positive platform to raise money for charity. It’s fun to joke around and we would’ve sold some shirts, but there are better ways to focus our efforts to support the Wounded Warrior Project. The below shirt is available nowhere.
Which brings me to the overall focus of this post. Why does HQ give a fuck about those who criticize them? Their shit isn’t perfect. Mature adults know how to take criticism, pussies cry about it. Have you ever wondered why sites like Forging Elite Sarcasm, The Naked CrossFitter and Beastmodal Domains did not exist before 2010? We were less necessary back then. There was crazy shit and lulz in CrossFit, but not nearly as much as there has been in recent years:
Back in the early years of CrossFit, you had CrossFitters vs. the haters (IGX Couch Thread). It was very polarized and there wasn’t much in between. It wasn’t that embarrassing to be a CrossFitter back then, with the exception of situations like this:
Sites like this have popped up to mock shit from the inside, as a response to the increasing stupidity we’ve had to deal with as members of the “community.” But at the end of the day, we’re CrossFitters. Despite our aliases, HQ knows who we are and CrossFit is too small to stay hidden for long. Humor is a great weapon and bullies don’t like to be made fun of. So if you’re prone to free thought, enjoy teh lulz and don’t want to play by all their rules, you won’t get out unscathed.
As I alluded to earlier in this post, a successful effort by HQ to find out my true name and details about my life occurred months ago. I’ll avoid details to protect the identity of those involved–intimidation was a factor. I didn’t care much at the time. But last Thursday, 3 senior individuals at my place of employment received mailed envelopes containing content from this site. The sender was anonymous. The intent was to get me fired and the tactics were chickenshit. Let me be clear: I can’t prove HQ was responsible for sending the envelopes. It doesn’t matter. Either way, I got checkmated by some softcunt who got offended by jokes on the internet. I have a great job (that is not in the fitness industry) and I’d like to continue to support my family. As a result, Beastmodal Domains is dead.
In summary, not only did I not get to do the free L1 Cert and write some lulz about it, I had to leave my gym, got in some heat at my job and had to kill my website. At least it wasn’t a boring month here at BMD. I agree this is a lame way to go out and I would’ve preferred my last post to have more lulz and be less limpdicky. On the contrary, I bet a certain group probably finds this BMD post to be the funniest one of all time: CrossFit HQ. Fuck it. I always wanted to end Beastmodal Domains with this clip (NSFW – language):
I don’t care about what you believe. I don’t want to hear about it and I certainly don’t want to deal with it when I’m in the gym. Religion is a touchy subject (what with it causing most wars and shit). Working out is not. Keeping that shit separate (outside of your mind) would do everyone a great service. CrossFit Central owner and co-creator of SICFIT, Jeremy Thiel, isn’t interested in that recommendation:
The above image is real and you can find it over at Thiel’s blog. I have several sources that told me he named SICFIT after the acronym “Strength In Christ.” Lulz. Anyway, his blog actually predates RX Star, and it appears they might have taken some inspiration from him:
“Love was now an ACT of WAR.” I don’t know, that’s either the most overdramatic pussy shit I’ve ever heard, or it just sounds like another dipshit who’s never been in combat misusing ‘war’. Back to religion and fitness:
Ew. Fuck no. That’s not what I was talking about. WWJD? Pretty sure he wouldn’t be making it rain for either of those busted cougaz. More specifically, I was talking about religion and CrossFit:
Wait, what? God Damn it. Not that either. That appears to be some knock-off that HQ hasn’t caught yet(?) I was talking more along the lines of this:
You spent an entire weekend becoming a marginally capable yet highly certified CrossFit Level 1 trainer. You wrote an essay about what CrossFit means to you (lulz). And you ponied up the $3,000 annual fee to carry the brand. You’re fucking in there. Hell, HQ even gave you the thumbs up on your shitty (3rd choice) affiliate name.
Don’t feel bad about your affiliate name. All the good ones were taken by 2009. At this point, people have been fighting over scraps. In some cases, variations of scraps:
Now it’s time to get some clients. Since you’re the 12th affiliate to pop up in your area since Reebok took over, you’re going to need to steal some clients from Prebok affiliates. The best way to do this is undercut everyone else’s monthly rates. If other affiliates bitch and try to reveal the fact that you’re clueless as a trainer, fuck ’em. Your clients are safer by you not programming sumo deadlift high pulls (because you haven’t learned how to do them yet). Besides, you didn’t want to be invited to that other affiliate’s paleo prom anyway.
Dealing with clients is your own problem, so don’t ask me for help there. Although, I did write a post about dumbass clients that should be required reading for your members. Most of them won’t be as difficult to deal with as the examples in that post. In many cases, your clients will help by becoming your best source of advertising. Social media will allow them to exalt your business by waxing eloquent about something seemingly simple. Here’s some broad going overboard about a fucking power clean:
That vomit in your mouth is the flavor of success! Melodrama on social media is the new scrapbooking and a CrossFit affiliate is the perfect place for modern women to reinforce their crippling codependence. Training that type of client can be rewarding, but unless you have female coaches on staff, you may find it tricky to manage their passion and intensity.
While prepping for Regionals, I wanted to make sure I understood how to do something as ridiculous as partner-deadlifts. So I watched the Head Judge of the Games, Adrian Bozman, make handicapped faces on the Games site videos. Then I no-repped his facial hair.
Back to partner deadlifts- Them shits is dumb. See:
You better not fuck that up or Bozman and company will ‘no-rep’ your ass back to 12.1. He’s gone rogue, no-repping the fuck out of everything. No, not that kind of Rogue. Well, maybe.
I can’t say I blame him there. Rogue Fitness strikes again with bullshit reps in the form of a god damned PVC pipe that costs 13 bucks. “But it has Knurl Marks and a 28mm diameter.” So does an actual bar. Use that. Rogue- thanks for the caveat (THIS IS NOT A LOAD BEARING BAR). It’s the exact information needed by any moron who will actually drop $13 for a PVC pipe.
Back to Bozman. Since Reebok made
CrossFit The Sport Of Fitness famous, Bozman has been able to parlay his judging skills to other arenas. Including a real sport:
Allow me to introduce you to a thing called RX Star. It’s something inspirational for CrossFit women. They put out daily doses of incoherent drivel on Facebook. I’m about to stomp the shit out of them, but you should ‘like’ their page (if you love getting cringy douche-chills). I do. Sometimes, my wife asks me why the fuck I don’t change the channel when that movie with Nick Cannon playing drums in a marching band is on. “All you do is sit here and bitch about how bad the movie is and how much Nick Cannon sucks. Just change the fucking channel.” I can’t. It’s so fucking terrible, I can’t stop watching. Just like this:
Strongstrength just made your skin hurt from reading that steaming pile of feces. It’s like Lisbeth Darsh smoked PCP and fired off a machine gun that shot pink paintballs and awkward non-sequiturs. Those of you who’ve watched over the past couple weeks as I’ve needled them on facebook know what’s been building here. It all started a while back when someone brought this to my attention:
Why does RX Star exist? Why do they have a sturdy facebook following? Pointless questions, but this kind of motivational bullshit has been around longer than you and me. In the old days, broads were tougher and smarter so it was slightly less annoying and a lot more readable.
Regardless, inspirational shit lowers your sperm count. Think: “Live Laugh Love”. That stupid fucking shit was created by some broad who wanted to boss you around. Don’t fucking tell me what to do, toots. I don’t even know you. Besides, the only example of a motivational imperative that does not eat a pile of dongs exists in the University of Notre Dame.
The hiring process took a while and that’s why you haven’t heard from me. Also because everyone’s incessant bitching about the Open Qualifiers programming along with all those terribly played-the-fuck-out snatch double entendres have made me want to suckstart my Glock. I’ve been a recluse but I can’t hide forever. So it’s time to start being positive and get a real job. I’m working for HQ now, bitches. Don’t worry, I’m going to be professional about this and Rory McKernon gets to keep that “bow-tie of irony”. Because there are only three professions where a bow-tie is acceptable:
There will be some changes though. A joke me and Drywall made on facebook a couple weeks ago got approved as the title for our new format. Behold:
Nothing major will change. They’re still gonna yammer on about exercise. The athlete interviews will still lack personality and substance. The interaction between Sherwood, Oldroyd and McKernan will still be as awkward as any public access TV channel. However, I plan to increase the amount of creepy looks Pat Sherwood gives to Miranda Oldroyd.
In a Beastmodal Domains Special Edition, we’ll take a look at the Sac Town Throwdown. Or whatever the fuck that is. Obviously it was some sort of competition in the town of Sac or something. I don’t care. We’re not going to focus on the competition but rather, one heat of one WOD. Watch what happened here (magic at 2:20) and for a more fun angle watch this.
Drywall, Wild Gorilla Man and myself have agreed there is no bottom to the stupidity in CrossFit. Likewise, I don’t feel like writing. Instead, I’ll just give you a picture-breakdown of what happened. Enjoy.
A couple weeks ago at the OC Throwdown comp, Ronnie Teasdale flipped his shit. You’ve seen the YouTube clip where at 4:13 he gets no repped for catching it on the bounce, at 4:22 he throws the barbell towards the judge, then at 4:25 he gives her the “outta my way” shove. Next, you get some protesting and another barbell toss. No one did anything. But what happens next will shock you.
Off-camera, he goes apeshit and pulls out double samurai swords and starts decapitating EVERYONE. Straight rage which lives up to those shorts he stole from the Incredible Hulk. Next, he quickly converts a weight vest into a suicide bomber vest and blows the whole place up. The suicide vest was pointless because everyone was already decapitated, but sometimes you gotta put an exclamation point on shit.
Teasdale tried to cheat, got busted and threw a temper tantrum. It wasnt the only bullshit that happened at that competition, so no one should be surprised that he got away with it. If the head judge let him act like that, and he was allowed to continue, it’s their fault. Who fucking cares? I liked it better the first time I saw it when it was called “Every Second Counts” aka the 2008
Games WSOE. Matt Murski did the same bounce-catch bullshit and got called out by Dave Castro (sorry, N00bs- you have to be Prebok Crossfit to get that reference). If you do stupid shit, and you get caught, STFU (duh). Here’s me right before the last time I got arrested:
Did you see the commercial? Of course, you did. According to Facebook and Twitter, a lot of CrossFit exercisers were more concerned with a fucking advertisement than Aaron Rogers and the Packers doing the “Discount Double Choke” against the Giants. Apparently, the “Sport of Fitness” arrived and interrupted the “Sport of… Sport” (aka the NFL Playoffs).
Who fucking cares? From what I can tell – there were two basic reactions.
1. Hooray! I saw people doing wallballs on a commercial during a nationally televised broadcast! We’ve come so far!
My response: Shut the fuck up. After you watched the commercial you had already seen 8 times on YouTube I’m sure you immediately switched the channel from a hugely important playoff game to the fucking WSOE reruns on ESPN2 (which you’ve also already seen 8 times). You can’t be helped and I’m bored with making fun of you.
2. Oh no! This means the demise of CrossFit! All of our affiliates will be taken over by Reebok!
My response: Shut the fuck up. I thought the commercial was fucking funny with its militaristic helicopter invasion. The symbolism was just perfect enough to get the gullible conspiracy theorist/affiliate owner to fear a hostile takeover. Suckers. As much as I want to, I don’t remember the commercial going like this:
Now, that’s a commercial. It kicked off the type of dream sequence in my head I used to have in school (until they put me on Ritalin)… UH-SPLOSION! Then tanks rolling and troops marching! Their color guards bear the flag of the glorious ReePublic:
I’ve been so busy
WODing at the box exercising at the gym that I have been neglecting my duties of making fun of CrossFit. Also, since Drywall has moved on, I don’t have to try as hard. As much as my internet laziness has caused my “Christmas break” to stretch into a “fuck entertaining people on the internet until I feel like it” break, some shit has been brought to my attention that I must address.
CrossFit on social media makes me want to punch myself in the breeding parts. I (hypocritically) wish people would shut the fuck up about exercise. When the Broncos beat the Steelers (lulz) in overtime Sunday night, SICFIT
literally figuratively laid a steaming pile of shit on my Twitter timeline.
How the fuck is this even remotely related to CrossFit? Clearly, it’s not. But in a world where some motherfuckers see medball cleans as life and death, those same motherfuckers gotta tie real sports to CrossFit. Fuck you. Hey, SICFIT – shut the fuck up. You want my “thoughts”? Tebow would be a great CrossFit athlete… if he got tired of getting paid millions and wanted to fade into obscurity.
Dog Tags by SICFIT (those who know are). Because you have just enlisted in the Army of Foppish Dandies. You will report immediately to Poseur Company, Disposable Income Battalion. “Ya, they’re awesome.” 28 dollars of awesome.
It’s my own fault for following those clowns on Twitter. Sifting through garbage is the price I pay to mock shit. I follow lots of dummies on Twitter and I’m never far from a chuckle when there are people like this:
Intrinsically? Wow. I just caught my thesaurus beating off to that tweet. Verbose > profound. Gimme some more gems, Tony.