Archive for June, 2012

Separation of Church and Gym

I don’t care about what you believe.  I don’t want to hear about it and I certainly don’t want to deal with it when I’m in the gym.  Religion is a touchy subject (what with it causing most wars and shit).  Working out is not.  Keeping that shit separate (outside of your mind) would do everyone a great service.  CrossFit Central owner and co-creator of SICFIT, Jeremy Thiel, isn’t interested in that recommendation:

The above image is real and you can find it over at Thiel’s blog.  I have several sources that told me he named SICFIT after the acronym “Strength In Christ.”  Lulz.  Anyway, his blog actually predates RX Star, and it appears they might have taken some inspiration from him:

 

“Love was now an ACT of WAR.”  I don’t know, that’s either the most overdramatic pussy shit I’ve ever heard, or it just sounds like another dipshit who’s never been in combat misusing ‘war’.  Back to religion and fitness:

Ew.  Fuck no.  That’s not what I was talking about.  WWJD?  Pretty sure he wouldn’t be making it rain for either of those busted cougaz.   More specifically, I was talking about religion and CrossFit:

  

Wait, what?  God Damn it.  Not that either.  That appears to be some knock-off that HQ hasn’t caught yet(?)  I was talking more along the lines of this:

 

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Advice For New CrossFit Affiliate Owners

You spent an entire weekend becoming a marginally capable yet highly certified CrossFit Level 1 trainer.  You wrote an essay about what CrossFit means to you (lulz).  And you ponied up the $3,000 annual fee to carry the brand.  You’re fucking in there.  Hell, HQ even gave you the thumbs up on your shitty (3rd choice) affiliate name.

Don’t feel bad about your affiliate name.  All the good ones were taken by 2009.  At this point, people have been fighting over scraps.  In some cases, variations of scraps:

Now it’s time to get some clients.  Since you’re the 12th affiliate to pop up in your area since Reebok took over, you’re going to need to steal some clients from Prebok affiliates.  The best way to do this is undercut everyone else’s monthly rates.  If other affiliates bitch and try to reveal the fact that you’re clueless as a trainer, fuck ’em.  Your clients are safer by you not programming sumo deadlift high pulls (because you haven’t learned how to do them yet).  Besides, you didn’t want to be invited to that other affiliate’s paleo prom anyway.

Dealing with clients is your own problem, so don’t ask me for help there.  Although, I did write a post about dumbass clients that should be required reading for your members.  Most of them won’t be as difficult to deal with as the examples in that post.  In many cases, your clients will help by becoming your best source of advertising.  Social media will allow them to exalt your business by waxing eloquent about something seemingly simple.  Here’s some broad going overboard about a fucking power clean:

That vomit in your mouth is the flavor of success!  Melodrama on social media is the new scrapbooking and a CrossFit affiliate is the perfect place for modern women to reinforce their crippling codependence.  Training that type of client can be rewarding, but unless you have female coaches on staff, you may find it tricky to manage their passion and intensity.

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