Motivational Crap Is Stupid

Allow me to introduce you to a thing called RX Star.  It’s something inspirational for CrossFit women.  They put out daily doses of incoherent drivel on Facebook.  I’m about to stomp the shit out of them, but you should ‘like’ their page (if you love getting cringy douche-chills).  I do.  Sometimes, my wife asks me why the fuck I don’t change the channel when that movie with Nick Cannon playing drums in a marching band is on.  “All you do is sit here and bitch about how bad the movie is and how much Nick Cannon sucks.  Just change the fucking channel.”  I can’t.  It’s so fucking terrible, I can’t stop watching.  Just like this:

Strongstrength just made your skin hurt from reading that steaming pile of feces.  It’s like Lisbeth Darsh smoked PCP and fired off a machine gun that shot pink paintballs and awkward non-sequiturs.  Those of you who’ve watched over the past couple weeks as I’ve needled them on facebook know what’s been building here.  It all started a while back when someone brought this to my attention:

 

Why does RX Star exist?  Why do they have a sturdy facebook following?  Pointless questions, but this kind of motivational bullshit has been around longer than you and me.  In the old days, broads were tougher and smarter so it was slightly less annoying and a lot more readable.

Regardless, inspirational shit lowers your sperm count.  Think: “Live Laugh Love”.  That stupid fucking shit was created by some broad who wanted to boss you around.  Don’t fucking tell me what to do, toots.  I don’t even know you.  Besides, the only example of a motivational imperative that does not eat a pile of dongs exists in the University of Notre Dame.

“Hey, this Beastmodal Domains guy is one hypocritical fuck.”  STFU, dipshit.  Also, you’re dead right:

Let’s get back on fucking topic, here.  RX Star pisses on the English language while using images of women (many without their permission) in order to sell whatever the fuck they are selling.  Also, they make intelligent people either regret or avoid breeding.  For fuck sake, I understand some girls like to pump themselves up with superfluous babble (why else would Pinterest exist).  But is life and training really this fucking hard?   

Staring at the above image will make you feel like Tracy Morgan in this clip:

Perhaps I should back off.  Maybe, I should lend my services to them to help with marketing.  I sell the shit out of my shirts (while not shoving them, coated in grammar-abortion sauce, down my reader’s throats).  After all, I am a nice guy.  Approachable, even.  Check out this clip of the day I met my lovely wife:

I found the source of their problems.  They use an automated RX Star image-generator which is basically a randomized thing (hence their weird syntax).  Randomization works just as well for RX Star as it does for your fitness program.  It’s set up like this:  Upload a picture of some CrossFit chick.  It immediately uses archaic fonts to put together a motivational verb with a motivational noun.  It throws that awkward pairing on there, along with a bunch of other trite nonsense aimed at women and slaps the ol’ RX Star logo on it.  Done.  And it’s a virtual pill of reverse-Viagra for the fellas.

I figured I’d give it a go.  I chose a picture of Camille LeBlanc-Bazinet and, in keeping with the status quo, did not get permission.  I tried to fuck with the settings to make it come out less retarded.  I think I accidentally flipped the estrogen levels into beastmode.  Fuck.  This is terrible.

Okay, well that didn’t work and it’s officially the worst thing I’ve seen since I googled ‘blue waffle’.  But wait, I just got an email from RX Star and they totally want to use it.  It’s all yours, ladies.  You’re welcome.

Lemme try this again.  We’ll use a dude to offset the lactational overtones.  Success!  It inspired the shit outta me.  RX Star – you guys can use this one too.  Fucking sweet, no?

Cheers to Norton for the assist on this one.

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  1. #1 by David Watkins (@dwatty79) on March 21, 2012 - 9:57 AM

    Wow…last pic just wow

    • #2 by Scott P on March 21, 2012 - 2:41 PM

      Holy crap!! I just thought that was some weird nose ring until I went back and looked at it.

  2. #3 by Zach Brodis on March 21, 2012 - 10:09 AM

    Lol, along the same lines you could go after that HTFU clothing brand, plus I’m sure countless other acronym clothing brands that have popped up recently. How the shit is buying $100 clothing to work out in HTFU? Anyways, last picture sums it up for me. Getting stabbed in the face with a big knife and surviving is powerful. Exercise is everyday activity humans need for physical and mental health.

  3. #4 by DougHed (@DougHed) on March 21, 2012 - 10:13 AM

    Holy crap, I will never Rx “Knife Fight”.

  4. #5 by Tino (@guitarvp) on March 21, 2012 - 10:20 AM

    Still chuckling about the “I can do good at things and feel good about things I can do good”…

  5. #6 by Erin McD on March 21, 2012 - 10:20 AM

    It’s just pandering. And it makes it seem like women can’t get involved in any type of sport or activity without feminizing it to the point of nausea. It’s also just really annoying that they think the only way to make something that seems masculine appropriate for women is to make it sensitive or some dumb shit. Ugh. I am a woman. I do crossfit. I don’t look like a dude and yet the RX Star shit makes me wanna puke. That is all.

    • #7 by Kristen R on March 21, 2012 - 11:11 AM

      You speak the truth!

    • #8 by Bizzie on March 21, 2012 - 12:51 PM

      UGH! I DO indeed feel like Tracy Morgan. I seriously can’t take this crap anymore. I try to avoid it at all costs, but if I have to read one more lame “girl power” statement inadvertently, I’m gonna go berserk! If you don’t already know you’re awesome just for having a vagina, then no amount of photos and cutsie quotes are gonna help.

  6. #9 by Tom Pentzer on March 21, 2012 - 10:22 AM

    There is hope for the English language, after all. We shall rename it Beastmodelish in honor of its savior.

  7. #10 by DougHed (@DougHed) on March 21, 2012 - 10:26 AM

    My 13 year old daughter would punch RX Star in the nuts.

  8. #11 by Rachel on March 21, 2012 - 10:29 AM

    You should make some of those for kids. They could hang them on the walls of my kids’ school instead of the gay motivational posters the have now about individuality and community and recycling.

  9. #12 by Andy G. on March 21, 2012 - 10:32 AM

    Hilarious post Epic. Im over the cheesy inspirational shit too. Not the legit stuff like oh, I don’t know an athlete performing well, or fighting through an injury or being sick. But we need to get rid of the Oprah shit. And that last pic…dude is some punk gang member. He’s a bitch and got what he deserved. I say a soccer mom crushing Fran is way tougher than PACO from MS-13.

  10. #13 by twopullupeddie on March 21, 2012 - 10:50 AM

    The skillet on your “Ovulate Victory” piece caused me to shoot a half chewed piece of grilled chicken out of my nose…

  11. #14 by Ingo B on March 21, 2012 - 10:56 AM

    LOL over the fry pan.

  12. #15 by Kristen R on March 21, 2012 - 11:13 AM

    I am very glad I read this post, for Rx is just simply irritating. I am very upset I googled the term “blue waffle”. Gross.

  13. #16 by ATLBondGirl on March 21, 2012 - 11:15 AM

    “Courage Fallopian”…and that’s why they call you Epic.

  14. #17 by lianio on March 21, 2012 - 11:47 AM

    That last pic was amazing. The image of the “blue waffle” will have me fasting for the rest of the day. Thanks.

  15. #18 by Johnny Utah on March 21, 2012 - 11:59 AM

    At least they can’t delete your post here…..your sauce only lasts on their Facebook for about 30 seconds.

  16. #19 by Drywall on March 21, 2012 - 12:36 PM

    Since I know you fucking love the Steelers:

    • #20 by EPIC on March 21, 2012 - 1:39 PM

      Rape Like A Steeler Today.

  17. #21 by Dank on March 21, 2012 - 12:36 PM

    I need to stop reading these at work. I absolutely lost it at “Ovulate Victory.” Glad ND makes the beastmode cut!

  18. #22 by Tony Garton on March 21, 2012 - 12:59 PM

    Hi CrossFit HQ reading this!

    How well did your FaceBook Pukie work out?

  19. #23 by Ashley D on March 21, 2012 - 1:24 PM

    Nice… One of my favorites.

  20. #24 by Dr. Barry Hungwell on March 21, 2012 - 1:28 PM

    I sharted a little on the frying pan. Had there been a vacuum cleaner in there I’d need new scrubs about now.

    Chicks start that mess ’round here and we send ’em on down the road to Curves and the Fat Losers R Us.

  21. #25 by Miguel S on March 21, 2012 - 1:29 PM

    That last pic is epic but less epic than your rant. I used to be a police officer in the city where that guy was stabbed. I’ll never forget seeing him in the emergency room of the hospital (I’m not the guy holding the camera to the right of the patient)) The doctor had to hit the knife with a hammer to loosen it before he pulled it out. It was like the Sword in the Stone!

    • #26 by EPIC on March 21, 2012 - 1:40 PM

      FUCK YEAH.

  22. #27 by volgawv on March 21, 2012 - 2:06 PM

    OMG, I am crying. This has to be one of your classics! Andy’s comment about the Oprah shit put me over the edge. My only dislike is your hit on Pinterest….j/k

  23. #28 by weslinder on March 21, 2012 - 2:17 PM

    There is exactly one other motivational saying that isn’t gay.

  24. #29 by Becks on March 21, 2012 - 3:32 PM

    Destrominate Menstruation! FUCK YEAH!

  25. #30 by Htfu on March 21, 2012 - 4:55 PM

  26. #31 by themainsitecurator on March 21, 2012 - 5:39 PM

    i didnt think estrogen levels had a beastmode. mind=fucked

  27. #32 by TheMuck on March 21, 2012 - 11:00 PM

    Oh man!!! I actually clicked the link to the Rx Star FB page!!!!! They are like those old “No Fear” t-shirts from back in the day……

    ONLY WAAAAAAAAY LAMER!

  28. #33 by Jim Strummond on March 21, 2012 - 11:09 PM

    ” I am an athlete!”

    Reality check.

    NO, you are not. You are a mediocre, beginner exerciser, harboring inflated visions of your abilities.

  29. #34 by Dana T on March 21, 2012 - 11:17 PM

    BWAHAHAAHAHA

    http://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0119/4592/products/purple_hotpink_tank.jpg?834

    And wtf is going on with her belly button?

  30. #35 by Keith Logan on March 21, 2012 - 11:29 PM

    This is ELITE work capacity across broad time and modal domains. This picture trumps all peer reviewed science one can intuit.

    KL

  31. #36 by emma on March 22, 2012 - 8:04 AM

    Waving bear!! You do seem approachable.

  32. #37 by sean on March 22, 2012 - 9:01 AM

    rx’d star is a proud graduate of the Derek Zoolander center for children who can’t read good and wanna learn to do other stuff good too

  33. #38 by DJ_5280 on March 22, 2012 - 9:57 AM

    Notre Dame? Fuck you.

  34. #39 by Brad on March 22, 2012 - 10:25 AM

    How to destrominate at motivation:

  35. #40 by EPIC on March 22, 2012 - 11:09 AM

    This morning I went to leave a snarky comment on RX Star’s Facebook page. They have blocked me. I’m actually bummed.

    • #41 by Danny on March 22, 2012 - 11:44 AM

      They’re being careful you don’t get them pregnant with your saucey potent comments!!

  36. #42 by Frank Castle on March 22, 2012 - 9:51 PM

    My curiosity to Google ‘blue waffle’ cured my chronic masturbation issue. Thanks asshole. Love the posts… keep them coming.

  37. #43 by Steve on March 22, 2012 - 10:15 PM

    The only thing Notre Dame does like a champion anymore is kill video assistants with scissor lifts during windstorms.

  38. #44 by Wes on March 23, 2012 - 1:08 AM

    http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/training-day/201203/reebok-pulls-controversial-cheating-ad

    Motivational crap IS stupid. Here is reeboks attempt at being motivational. Nice one.

    • #45 by Dr. Barry Hungwell on March 23, 2012 - 1:05 PM

      I would have actually bought that t-shirt.

      • #46 by Wes on March 23, 2012 - 1:17 PM

        I actually laughed my ass off at the ad BUT as far as reeboks rep goes it was completely bone headed.

        • #47 by Trev on March 28, 2012 - 3:02 PM

          Pretty sure Bodybuilding.com had a shirt that said that a while ago, but it wouldn’t surprise me if Reebok tried to trademark that shit.

  39. #48 by Neil on March 23, 2012 - 1:22 AM

    Holy shit that was hysterical. I laughed so hard it hurt, seriously. Truly epic.

  40. #49 by Freddo on March 25, 2012 - 4:46 PM

    Damn guy…

    You’re even more epically cynical than meh! LOVE IT! and yeah that last picture…I heard of people diggin’ for gold….me thinks this guy took it one step to far. I especially love the women taking pics of him. Lastly…I hope he was on heavy drugs by then. I had to take some codeine just from looking at it.

  41. #50 by jake on March 25, 2012 - 6:11 PM

    I like all your rants but you’ve outdone yourself on this one. Excellent work.

  42. #51 by arric on March 26, 2012 - 1:02 PM

    You have gone to far this time! Take back that comment about Pinterest. If it wasnt for that site I would have to actually listen to what is a great idea and what should be done with curtains and stuff.

  43. #52 by Josh on March 27, 2012 - 12:16 AM

    I googled Blue Waffle………. OH MY GOD! WTF!?!?

  44. #54 by Bill on March 30, 2012 - 2:02 PM

    That was great!

  45. #55 by Chris on April 3, 2012 - 8:21 PM

    Goddamnit. Blue Waffle FTL. I’m never eating again.

  46. #56 by MT on April 5, 2012 - 10:27 AM

    I will never again go down on a chick in a dimly lit room…….

  47. #57 by Aaron on April 7, 2012 - 2:04 PM

    CourageFallopian! Hahahaha!

  48. #58 by kristin on April 19, 2012 - 9:48 AM

    I love crossfit and all, but some folks just take themselves so damn seriously, and it does seem like it’s mostly women. Still working on a theory of why that is. It’s a freaking workout, ladies, and yes, I know you feel badass and better than all your friends b/c you’re banging barbells around and sporting blood calouses, but we’re not exactly out there saving lives on the battlefield of fitness.

    Can’t stop laughing at the bear, but you clearly need to work on your gibberish motivational speak.

  49. #59 by AMS23 on April 23, 2012 - 4:44 PM

    Umm… Epic where the hell are you dude? Come back and make me laugh. Work sucks without your blogs.

    • #60 by EPIC on April 24, 2012 - 12:52 PM

      I’m writing some shit now. May publish next week.

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