It would’ve been a great way to go out, but CrossFit HQ saw fit to shut my scam down. Not necessarily like Russell Berger’s slimy expose on Gym Jones, but certainly an experience I would’ve converted into some Beastmodal Domains chuckles.
A while back I was comp’d a spot at a CrossFit Level 1 Trainer Course:
Shortly after I published this, CrossFit HQ (they’ve known my real name for months) fuckstomped the whole thing. Dave Castro sent an email to the hosting gym and informed them my “scholarship” (they seriously call it that) would be given to someone “less abusive to CrossFit.” I can’t go into details, but the bottom line is: I didn’t spend last weekend fucking the stuffing out of a med-ball.
My interaction with HQ on the matter was polite on both ends and I completely understand their decision. I was informed I could still attend any Level 1 Course, so long as I paid for it.
No thanks. With no intentions of actually becoming a CrossFit coach, I’m not going to waste $1,000 to be taught how to count almonds and encourage clients to lift with shitty form.
On this site, I’ve needled HQ a bit from time to time. But I guess the Advice For New Affiliate Owners post really pissed them off. Knowing how easy Glassassinations get handed out, and fearing deaffiliation just because I mentioned ZORG, the owners of my former gym and I agreed it best that I no longer be a member there.
Regarding ZorgFit- HQ didn’t shut us down as some have suspected. It’s just that Robb Wolf, Catalyst Athletics and myself all decided that mocking CrossFit HQ is not the most positive platform to raise money for charity. It’s fun to joke around and we would’ve sold some shirts, but there are better ways to focus our efforts to support the Wounded Warrior Project. The below shirt is available nowhere.
Which brings me to the overall focus of this post. Why does HQ give a fuck about those who criticize them? Their shit isn’t perfect. Mature adults know how to take criticism, pussies cry about it. Have you ever wondered why sites like Forging Elite Sarcasm, The Naked CrossFitter and Beastmodal Domains did not exist before 2010? We were less necessary back then. There was crazy shit and lulz in CrossFit, but not nearly as much as there has been in recent years:
Back in the early years of CrossFit, you had CrossFitters vs. the haters (IGX Couch Thread). It was very polarized and there wasn’t much in between. It wasn’t that embarrassing to be a CrossFitter back then, with the exception of situations like this:
Sites like this have popped up to mock shit from the inside, as a response to the increasing stupidity we’ve had to deal with as members of the “community.” But at the end of the day, we’re CrossFitters. Despite our aliases, HQ knows who we are and CrossFit is too small to stay hidden for long. Humor is a great weapon and bullies don’t like to be made fun of. So if you’re prone to free thought, enjoy teh lulz and don’t want to play by all their rules, you won’t get out unscathed.
As I alluded to earlier in this post, a successful effort by HQ to find out my true name and details about my life occurred months ago. I’ll avoid details to protect the identity of those involved–intimidation was a factor. I didn’t care much at the time. But last Thursday, 3 senior individuals at my place of employment received mailed envelopes containing content from this site. The sender was anonymous. The intent was to get me fired and the tactics were chickenshit. Let me be clear: I can’t prove HQ was responsible for sending the envelopes. It doesn’t matter. Either way, I got checkmated by some softcunt who got offended by jokes on the internet. I have a great job (that is not in the fitness industry) and I’d like to continue to support my family. As a result, Beastmodal Domains is dead.
In summary, not only did I not get to do the free L1 Cert and write some lulz about it, I had to leave my gym, got in some heat at my job and had to kill my website. At least it wasn’t a boring month here at BMD. I agree this is a lame way to go out and I would’ve preferred my last post to have more lulz and be less limpdicky. On the contrary, I bet a certain group probably finds this BMD post to be the funniest one of all time: CrossFit HQ. Fuck it. I always wanted to end Beastmodal Domains with this clip (NSFW – language):