Common Faults: Being an A-hole

While prepping for Regionals, I wanted to make sure I understood how to do something as ridiculous as partner-deadlifts.  So I watched the Head Judge of the Games, Adrian Bozman, make handicapped faces on the Games site videos.  Then I no-repped his facial hair.

 

Back to partner deadlifts-  Them shits is dumb.  See:

You better not fuck that up or Bozman and company will ‘no-rep’ your ass back to 12.1.  He’s gone rogue, no-repping the fuck out of everything.  No, not that kind of Rogue.  Well, maybe.

I can’t say I blame him there.  Rogue Fitness strikes again with bullshit reps in the form of a god damned PVC pipe that costs 13 bucks.  “But it has Knurl Marks and a 28mm diameter.”  So does an actual bar.  Use that.  Rogue- thanks for the caveat (THIS IS NOT A LOAD BEARING BAR).  It’s the exact information needed by any moron who will actually drop $13 for a PVC pipe.

Back to Bozman.  Since Reebok made CrossFit The Sport Of Fitness famous, Bozman has been able to parlay his judging skills to other arenas.  Including a real sport:

Bozman did a “No-Rep” world tour.  I don’t know what country the below picture is from (and I actually had to censor it), but what the hell kind of shit is Europe trying to pull here?

It’s not the first time a European did crazy shit.  Not only did he propagate the persecution and genocide of my people, the Fuhrer had shitty KBS form.

Back in America, Bozman came to understand something many of us have known all along.  Children are fucking terrible at sports.  So, it’s back to CrossFit for him.  And just in time for regionals. 

This year’s regional events (despite the partner deadlifts) look pretty decent.  Which is fitting, because many of you would agree with Antonio Ortiz and his nipples:

I do teh CrossFits, but it’s not my faboritegame.  Mine is making fun of CrossFit (because a lot of you take this shit very seriously).  I play on the facebook machine quite often and the majority of my recent updates have pissed off a lot of thin-skinned twats.  Some of them have called me a bad person.  Others think I’m an asshole.  I’ll bee dat.

As demonstrated above, being an asshole includes doing hood-rat shit like creating weiners-for-anonymity.  Speaking of innovation, Mark Zuckerberg came up with something highly complex for all the self-righteous crybabies who get offended by my facebook page:  

Zuckerberg’s genius is lost on many of the whiny cunts who leak their puss blood onto my facebook comments.  I’m here to make fun of shit, with or without the attention of those pussies.  I actually enjoy their pitiful attempts at converting me and my minions to their “superior” way of thinking.  Without them, I’d pay less attention to facebook.  But if a lot of them hit that unlike button, I might just have to do this:

My favorite shit is hate mail.  Most of it came from my “Fat Acceptance Is Unacceptable” post.  I actually got some death threats.  Most were poorly written but entertaining nonetheless.  One guy said he’d microwave my children like baked potatoes and eat them.  Fat people are so hungry.  Anyway, here’s an almost-clever one I particularly liked:

Being an asshole is fun, but requires strategy.  Life becomes a game of chess.  In the public bathroom at your local CrossFit Games regional event, give this one a shot:   

If you don’t understand that picture, you’re a woman or a meat-gazer.  In either case, have your boyfriend explain it to you.  Anyway, have fun at whatever Regional event in which you’ve qualified.  If you’re just going to watch, you’d better bring a flask (exercise is boring to watch and some of those event locations are drier than Mormon temples).  Drinking is the only thing the spectators will be able to enjoy in the lulls between the lulz.  This guy knows what I’m talkin ’bout:

I don't care how old this picture is. It's fucking awesome.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————-Edit (25 April 2012):  From the ‘About’ section of this site.  My eloquence knows no bounds.

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  1. #1 by jake on April 25, 2012 - 10:09 AM

    I don’t think you’re as big an ass as you fancy yourself…. or you never would have added paragraph 6 to “Unacceptable”… ha
    But at risk of sounding like a limpdick…. glad you did.

  2. #2 by Chilly on April 25, 2012 - 10:11 AM

    fuckyeahbobafett

  3. #3 by sean on April 25, 2012 - 10:14 AM

    I assume boba fett’s awesome dancing was a conciliatory gesture towards the fatties out there you’ve offended. It combines two of their greatest fantasies, being in star wars and being able to move their limbs without getting winded.

  4. #4 by senseiaaron on April 25, 2012 - 10:14 AM

    Excellent work again BMD. You are my hero and I proudly wear your shirts at my CF gym.

    • #5 by RAMROD on April 30, 2012 - 8:55 PM

      Destrominate CrossSluts; on the reg…

  5. #6 by Drywall on April 25, 2012 - 10:18 AM

    Wait. I thought we were both going to quit writing. Fuck.

    • #7 by EPIC on April 25, 2012 - 10:35 AM

      Fuckface: The key is to write less and self-edit heavily. That way, you won’t get so sick of writing. I speak for all who read BMD: quit being a homo and resurrect Forging Elite Sarcasm.

    • #8 by DougHed (@DougHed) on April 25, 2012 - 10:39 AM

      No Rep.

      • #9 by EPIC on April 25, 2012 - 10:41 AM

        Coffee.

      • #10 by Danny on April 27, 2012 - 11:48 AM

        Negative reinforcement at its best!!

  6. #11 by bigdogwods on April 25, 2012 - 10:43 AM

    Well, I for one love it. Fuck everyone. Party on.

  7. #12 by Chris on April 25, 2012 - 10:50 AM

    Love your posts man keep up the good work. I know you get alot of hate, but I get what your doing, someone has to write shit about crossfit and make fun of it, why not like people who do crossfit make fun of it. Better then someone who doesn’t have a clue about it chatting shit.

    Keep up the good work.

  8. #13 by Freddo on April 25, 2012 - 10:57 AM

    Well you are a big asshole, but that’s under your control. Ya are what ya are! Personally, I thank your ability to make me laugh at the expense of others. Everybody likes that secretly. They only get offended when the people being ridiculed is them. I know I went ape shit faced mad when I read all the anti-gay crap on here, but it turns out that there are many times I ridicule my own. So I guess I’m an asshole too. But you sir, you are the Epic asshole. Thanks for the laugh.

  9. #14 by Freddo on April 25, 2012 - 11:02 AM

    And another thing…I hate that monkey faced facebook kid. He be the slimey of slimey. Yucck!

  10. #15 by Booby on April 25, 2012 - 11:14 AM

    I thought you were a huge douche before, but now I have a semi man crush. No homo.

    • #16 by onetwothree on April 26, 2012 - 5:26 PM

      i just got a semi.. so um yes homo

  11. #17 by Gareth on April 25, 2012 - 11:23 AM

    “One guy said he’d microwave my children like baked potatoes and eat them. Fat people are so hungry.” Ha, I nearly choked! Great work as per usual. Don’t ever stop, people only get offended when it’s close to the mark, in which case it’s kind of your to bring reality to their attention! Besides, unlike watching the Crossfit regionals, this is the best spectator sport I know…..

  12. #18 by Juan on April 25, 2012 - 11:56 AM

    Your move…

    • #19 by EPIC on April 25, 2012 - 12:38 PM

      “Troll respect troll game” -Erick Echeverria

  13. #20 by zbrodis on April 25, 2012 - 12:02 PM

    flex that epeen

  14. #21 by johnnyutah2 on April 25, 2012 - 12:03 PM

    +1 for the Couch Sake bomb pic with his mistress….
    +1 for Boba Fett in ANY FORM.
    +1 for King Asshole pic…much win.
    +1 for making Drywall feel like a little bitch for not writing any more.
    +1 for the subliminal cock and balls on the facebook pic…my secretary was amused and is now a fan

    So that’s like +12 or some shit.

    • #22 by EPIC on April 25, 2012 - 12:41 PM

      +1 for telling calculators to suck your dick.

      • #23 by johnnyutah2 on April 25, 2012 - 9:54 PM

        That’s why my Grace time is 46 seconds….stopwatches can suck it also….

  15. #24 by Jason Russo on April 25, 2012 - 12:24 PM

    Fucking amazing article. I’ve laughed my ass off through the whole thing. You should share the hate mail more often! Thats some gooooood shit. NO REP!

  16. #25 by Russell Aaron on April 25, 2012 - 1:10 PM

    NO REP! Awesome post. And Boba Fett was just classic.

  17. #26 by Biz on April 25, 2012 - 1:36 PM

    I’d like to just quote Daniel Tosh at a recent show… “If you’re the kind of person who thinks there is nothing funny about (blank), then you’re a fucking idiot.” Or something to that effect, but you get the point.

  18. #27 by Lisa Gilbert Benton on April 25, 2012 - 1:43 PM

    Hysterical! Awesome post. I laughed until I cried yesterday when I saw the “Ass on Back” FB pic. Thanks for keeping it real, BMD!

  19. #28 by J.T. on April 25, 2012 - 2:48 PM

    On behalf of former fatties everywhere, thank you for your no-pie-holes-barred approach to combating the FA horseshit.

    (please dont’ no-rep my comment)

  20. #29 by Chess on April 25, 2012 - 8:31 PM

    Wanna really get the death threats flowing? Write a post about how Rich Froning Jr beats off to pictures of the crucifixion.

    • #30 by Pat B. on April 26, 2012 - 12:45 PM

      -1
      Thats one of those comments you should probably just keep to yourself. Not becuase of the offensive nature(most people here could give a fuck less about that) but because its fucking stupid.

      • #31 by Biz on April 26, 2012 - 1:29 PM

        Totally agree

        • #32 by Chess on April 26, 2012 - 3:08 PM

          See, I’m getting hate mail already and I didn’t even write a post about it!!

  21. #33 by Carnage on April 25, 2012 - 9:07 PM

    Good.

    My platoon and I love your shit, “keep at it son”

  22. #34 by crowemagnonman on April 25, 2012 - 9:58 PM

    Love it! The hate mail was priceless. 100 years ago if you were half as fat as some of the hippos waddling around now you’d have been in the fucking circus freak show.

    • #35 by Chuc Daddy on April 27, 2012 - 9:24 PM

      not that i don’t agree with the whole fat thing, but 100 years ago you and your boy trayvon would have been drinking and taking shits at two different locations

  23. #37 by Chuc Daddy on April 26, 2012 - 12:17 PM

    I don’t give a fuck what any one says, this content is offending and hurts my feelings. sike, i fuckin love this shit, give me giggles in between my classes. who give a fuck what people say, this is what i used to pretend to say to my chiefs in the navy when ever i was getting chewed out, “you got an issue, get a tissue, pussy” yolo, sike again, yolo is fuckin gay

  24. #38 by JTSays on April 26, 2012 - 9:51 PM

    Can we talk about crossfit’s new obsession with 100 pound dumbbells?

  25. #39 by RMoreno on April 27, 2012 - 6:20 AM

    Last I checked I thought we were in America! People getting feelings hurt over Freedom of Speech? Ohh wait…we are in America.

  26. #40 by Just_love_each_other on April 27, 2012 - 10:38 PM

    I am disgusted by this post. Who cares what size people are. We all have the same size hearts and should respect each other. I think it’s sad people gang up like this. I look forward to a productive conversation.

    • #41 by delaforce on April 28, 2012 - 10:50 AM

      I’m laughing at how you got us.

      and fat people actually have larger hearts. jus’sayin. more to love with. or clog.

  27. #42 by Mit on April 28, 2012 - 1:11 AM

    Epic, if you don’t like Partner Deadlifts, you should have gone to Regionals as an Individual… Oh wait, your sorry ass couldn’t make the cut.

    Enjoy the feel of Bozman’s dick in your ass when your team finishes dead fucking last.

  28. #43 by Logan on April 28, 2012 - 1:48 AM

    Keep up the fucking amazing articles.

  29. #44 by RAMROD on April 30, 2012 - 8:53 PM

    This is one of the best ones to date; all of hate mail means you have peoples attention. Tucker Max started out with just a Web Blog…

  30. #45 by Dr. Barry Hungwell on May 2, 2012 - 10:00 AM

    Hang on. Adrian Bozeman is a dude?! I thought that was just a really good crossfit chick. Now I feel weird for all those knuckle babies I fired off to his demo videos.

  31. #46 by THE HULK on May 2, 2012 - 2:01 PM

    I know you have talk about this subject before but I cant resist. In the team event they allowed KIPPING HSPU? WTF? I mean the super koolaid drinkers are always touting “we are the fittest people on earth”. Really? Then why is crossfit always lowering the bar? What happend to, “DONT WISH IT WERE EASIER, WISH YOU WERE BETTER”?

    EPIC – I know my spelling and punctuation suck,but I try. Maybe can we kip my grammer and punctuation and allow me to do it how I want? I kip when I speak, it’s called stuttering and it doesnt make me fucking better at talking.

  32. #47 by Coco Crisp on May 2, 2012 - 8:17 PM

    Trying to spread the site…love this shit..especially now that CF is mainstream these soccer moms are annoying the shit out of me..we need more publicity for beastmodaldomains!!!1

  33. #48 by Brett Andrus on May 4, 2012 - 11:08 AM

    No Rep for reals, Ep!
    Used to enjoy your “Stronger den a muh” posts and the “Come at me, coach!” series raised some decent questions that are worth addressing and some coaches, like the ones you happened to mention as good programmers, did address them. But, responding to hate mail and dissing The Boz for having facial pubes is getting to look a lot like Drywall’s old pick on dumb shit approach. There’s so much dumb shit… I’d rather get my emotions to anger and fuck yeah and destrominate shit. I’d say leave the dumb shit to Drywall, but he’s a quitter, but can we find something somewhat informational about training or diet to present in a funny-ass way?
    Some of these comments were funnier than this post!
    No rep because I’ve seen better from you. Points for Boba Fett though. Kipped points, but still points.

  34. #49 by tim on May 7, 2012 - 1:45 PM

    your blog is fucking awesome. that is all.

  35. #50 by Evan on May 16, 2012 - 8:03 AM

    Common Faults: Posting Only Once a Month.

  36. #51 by Eric Tuesday on May 23, 2012 - 12:16 PM

    Most of the hype/non-hype around crossfit is due to the fact 95% of these people are failed or flailing fitness trainers. These people are extremely desperate to get your dollar, and try desperately to make a living ‘coaching fitness.’ Its such a useless and vain endeavor, it has ZERO to do with longevity or even sport training, but social media… Crossfit begets Crossfit, forget your sports, get into Crossfit and thats your sport. There are some good coaches with integrity, most have never been athletes or competitors. The Crossfit games are now the “exercise games of former D3 athletes.”

    • #52 by joe on May 26, 2012 - 9:24 PM

      Who don’t follow HQ programming. What a joke. Steal everyone’s shit mix it up get good at nothing and trademark the shit outta it.there slogan should be:

      CrossFit, it’s HIITwith a dash of rip, a pinch of Simmons, a teaspoon of Pendelay, a cup of Pavel covered in a sauce of property rights laywers.

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