Archive for November, 2011

New CrossFit Products For The Disposable Income Crowd!

And by disposable income crowd, I mean pretty much anyone in the CrossFit community.  Since we are upper-middle class with decent salaries and a love for all things overpriced, we need to consume more shit.  Kind of like CrossFit toys for our snot-nosed kids.  Your lil’ crumbsnatchers will be destrominating metcons with these multi-colored and functional WOD Toys.  

No seriously, I didn't make this up.

I’m pretty sure if I unwrapped that crap on Christmas morning back in the early 80’s I’d be one pissed off little fuck.”Where is my motherfucking Boba Fett action figure I asked for?”  Santa’s gonna get cockpunched.  You want to get your kids toys that will make them fit and peel their fwoot-snack chomping asses away from that stupid iCarly episode they’ve seen 8 times?  Here’s some shit for ’em that will blow their minds:

These things are not available at any participating CrossFit Kids affiliate.

Since we’re on the subject of things CrossFitters could spend their extra money on, lemme give you a sneak peek at some items about to hit the market from some of your favorite manufacturers of CrossFit related shit.

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Anger & Fuck Yeah

I walk around angry.  Most of the time.  It’s because of the fuckheads that ooze weakness all around me.  More importantly, I’m irate because anger is the shit.  It’s one of only two emotions I have.  The other emotion: fuck yeah.  Sometimes I’m not angry and I’m like, “fuck yeah”.  When I’m angry, I’m also like, “fuck yeah”.  Anger, for me, gets directed into focused and driven work.  Destromination ensues.

Chuck Bednarik: A physical representation of both "anger" and "fuck yeah".

Chuck motherfucking Bednarik of the Phildelphia Eagles.  The guy who, in 1960, hospitalized Frank Gifford and made certain the New York Giants would be one less nancie wide receiver for over a year.  Maybe you don’t give a fuck about an NFL history lesson.  You don’t need to.  Look at the guy’s hand (below) and see what kind of tough son of a bitch he is.  Carry that attitude in your training.  Anger and fuck yeah.  If you approach the barbell like Bednarik approached the game of football, gravity will be scared of you.

Ear plugs are needed when he pops his knuckles

But I don’t feel like talking about training this week.  Tomorrow, “anger” temporarily takes a back seat to “fuck yeah” for me.  It’s the only holiday worth a damn in the calender year.  For those of my readers outside of the United States, lemme give you a lesson about the greatest and most beard-growing/pee-standing-up holiday in the world: 

Don't touch me, Gay Sweater.

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Destrominate Training Plateaus

There comes a point in your training where the PR’s aren’t as huge as they used to be.  In some cases, you may go for a stretch where there are no PRs.  What is that, a slump?  Training plateau?  Don’t write that shit off like, “Meh.  I just haven’t been feeling it recently.”  That sounds like a mouth-queef to me and it means you’re ready for a sturdy cockpunch.

Told that ass.

When you started CrossFit there was an initial period where you were making huge gains in all areas of fitness because in the beginning, you were probably terrible.  This doesn’t apply to me because I’ve been a hardcock since my first CrossFit Kids WOD back in 1978: For time: Vagina escape, umbilical-cord descent, 1 burpee, 400m run (1:12 RX).  Suck it, n00bs.

The picture isn't accurate. I had a full beard at birth. And pubes.

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Fat Acceptance Is Unacceptable

The obesity epidemic is the dumbest shit to ever occur in humanity and obese people are disgusting (duh).  While there’s not much substance to making fun of the obese, I’m tired of hearing them bitch about fat shit.  “Wahhhh I can’t lose weight.”  “Wahhhh I can’t buy clothes that fit.”  “Wahhhh the McRib is on a limited run.”

What’s the most pitiful statement that defecates from their foodslots?  “You’re so lucky you’re not fat.  You have good genes.”  Hold the fucking mayonnaise, widebody.  Let’s sort this out.  I’m not fat because:

Genes?  Go to an impoverished nation with a food shortage and find the genetic-lottery losers of weight gain in that bunch.  Being fat has little to do with genetics but a lot to do with poor decisions.  Everyone has a bad-idea-filter in their brain.  The bad-idea-filter in the brains of the obese is disconnected from their tongues.  Boom.  That’s the sound of a scientist high-fiving me.

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Harden The Fuck Up: Volume I

This week my bro, Timmy Francis, briefly pauses from life in shithole Afghanistan to destrominate another guest post for Beastmodal Domains.  He won’t even get to see the stupid pics and captions I added for a couple days because he’s too busy cockpunching the Taliban.     

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One of the best things about Crossfit is that it can take a lazy, slothful, societal waste and quickly turn him into a physically fit, active athlete.  It’s badass to see somebody who until recently was busy playing “Hide the Triple Stack” and searching for his wienermeat suddenly throwing down on a WOD. 

"I don't get it. Grapes are paleo, right?"

Crossfit has taught him he’s not the weak, beleaguered victim society wants him to think he is.  He’s actually a tough mother fucker that can go BEASTMODE and destrominate challenges he faces.  The transformation, however, can’t stop there.  You must always push your limits further.  Here are some people who laughed in the face of perceived limitations and any pissant obstacle that got in their way.

Muggsy Bogues had challenges (to include playing against Jordan's Hitler mustache).

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