I’ve been so busy
WODing at the box exercising at the gym that I have been neglecting my duties of making fun of CrossFit. Also, since Drywall has moved on, I don’t have to try as hard. As much as my internet laziness has caused my “Christmas break” to stretch into a “fuck entertaining people on the internet until I feel like it” break, some shit has been brought to my attention that I must address.
CrossFit on social media makes me want to punch myself in the breeding parts. I (hypocritically) wish people would shut the fuck up about exercise. When the Broncos beat the Steelers (lulz) in overtime Sunday night, SICFIT
literally figuratively laid a steaming pile of shit on my Twitter timeline.
How the fuck is this even remotely related to CrossFit? Clearly, it’s not. But in a world where some motherfuckers see medball cleans as life and death, those same motherfuckers gotta tie real sports to CrossFit. Fuck you. Hey, SICFIT – shut the fuck up. You want my “thoughts”? Tebow would be a great CrossFit athlete… if he got tired of getting paid millions and wanted to fade into obscurity.
Dog Tags by SICFIT (those who know are). Because you have just enlisted in the Army of Foppish Dandies. You will report immediately to Poseur Company, Disposable Income Battalion. “Ya, they’re awesome.” 28 dollars of awesome.
It’s my own fault for following those clowns on Twitter. Sifting through garbage is the price I pay to mock shit. I follow lots of dummies on Twitter and I’m never far from a chuckle when there are people like this:
Intrinsically? Wow. I just caught my thesaurus beating off to that tweet. Verbose > profound. Gimme some more gems, Tony.
Wait, so learning from great people is easier than learning from idiots? Fuck yeah, Tony. See if you can get the ghost of Winston Churchill to give you another high-five:
Wait, what? Oh, Tony. You intrinsically got me. Good one.
Let’s move on to CrossFit’s version of Jessica Rabbit:
Those silly boys pay me so much attention! 😉 Don’t know Allison NYC? Nutshell – her oversexed, cutesy routine demands that you pay attention to her. Now. While the IGX crowd begs Wild Gorrilla Man to sweet talk her into shooting more nakies, her twitter followers continue to suffer through shit like this:
Tee-hee. Lemons for breakfast! Boo’s treasure map led you to right to the rare chest of gold doubloons that is organic lemons. Cherish this moment. Your limited amount of brain cells figured out how to kill some of mine. You win.
@CrossFitProblms is a parody of a worn-out parody. They tweet the exact crap you would expect. You’ll find them hilarious if you’ve been doing CrossFit for less than 5 minutes. And you lack a sense of humor. Example:
Yep. That’s their shtick. Like when Jeff Dunham is on Comedy Central and it’s so fucking terrible, but you can’t stop watching…
“I know, right!? Having to go to the grocery store is SUCH a #crossfitproblem, ha ha! Oh, us CrossFitters are so funny!”
You wanna see a real CrossFit problem?
Now we’re talking. Kayla_rea is on to something… Wait, what’s this? Another CrossFit problem?
GOD DAMN IT!
- using ‘CrossFit’ as a verb
- using the term ‘obvi’
- another dipshit trying to relate real sports to CrossFit
Fuck. It’s no wonder why Drywall quit. Thanks, bro (for leaving me to deal with this crap).
Edit (20 Jan 2012): Allison NYC finally read this post. Her response: