Social Media + CrossFit = Stab Myself In The Face

I’ve been so busy WODing at the box exercising at the gym that I have been neglecting my duties of making fun of CrossFit.  Also, since Drywall has moved on, I don’t have to try as hard.  As much as my internet laziness has caused my “Christmas break” to stretch into a “fuck entertaining people on the internet until I feel like it” break, some shit has been brought to my attention that I must address.

CrossFit on social media makes me want to punch myself in the breeding parts.  I (hypocritically) wish people would shut the fuck up about exercise.  When the Broncos beat the Steelers (lulz) in overtime Sunday night, SICFIT literally figuratively laid a steaming pile of shit on my Twitter timeline.


How the fuck is this even remotely related to CrossFit?  Clearly, it’s not.  But in a world where some motherfuckers see medball cleans as life and death, those same motherfuckers gotta tie real sports to CrossFit.  Fuck you.  Hey, SICFIT – shut the fuck up.  You want my “thoughts”?  Tebow would be a great CrossFit athlete… if he got tired of getting paid millions and wanted to fade into obscurity.

Dog Tags by SICFIT (those who know are).  Because you have just enlisted in the Army of Foppish Dandies.  You will report immediately to Poseur Company, Disposable Income Battalion.  “Ya, they’re awesome.”  28 dollars of awesome.

It’s my own fault for following those clowns on Twitter.  Sifting through garbage is the price I pay to mock shit.  I follow lots of dummies on Twitter and I’m never far from a chuckle when there are people like this:

Intrinsically?  Wow.  I just caught my thesaurus beating off to that tweet.  Verbose > profound.  Gimme some more gems, Tony.

Wait, so learning from great people is easier than learning from idiots?  Fuck yeah, Tony.  See if you can get the ghost of Winston Churchill to give you another high-five:


Wait, what?  Oh, Tony.  You intrinsically got me.  Good one.   

Let’s move on to CrossFit’s version of Jessica Rabbit:

Those silly boys pay me so much attention! 😉  Don’t know Allison NYC?  Nutshell – her oversexed, cutesy routine demands that you pay attention to her.  Now.  While the IGX crowd begs Wild Gorrilla Man to sweet talk her into shooting more nakies, her twitter followers continue to suffer through shit like this:

Tee-hee.  Lemons for breakfast!  Boo’s treasure map led you to right to the rare chest of gold doubloons that is organic lemons.  Cherish this moment.   Your limited amount of brain cells figured out how to kill some of mine.  You win.

@CrossFitProblms is a parody of a worn-out parody.  They tweet the exact crap you would expect.  You’ll find them hilarious if you’ve been doing CrossFit for less than 5 minutes.  And you lack a sense of humor.  Example:

Yep.  That’s their shtick.  Like when Jeff Dunham is on Comedy Central and it’s so fucking terrible, but you can’t stop watching…

“I know, right!?  Having to go to the grocery store is SUCH a #crossfitproblem, ha ha!  Oh, us CrossFitters are so funny!” 

You wanna see a real CrossFit problem?


Now we’re talking.  Kayla_rea is on to something…  Wait, what’s this?  Another CrossFit problem?


  1. using ‘CrossFit’ as a verb
  2. using the term ‘obvi’
  3. another dipshit trying to relate real sports to CrossFit  

Fuck.  It’s no wonder why Drywall quit.  Thanks, bro (for leaving me to deal with this crap).


Edit (20 Jan 2012):  Allison NYC finally read this post.  Her response:

  1. #1 by Andy on January 11, 2012 - 9:35 AM

    The crossfitproblems thing reminds me of something we used to say as a kid: ‘when you’re sittin on a fence and you feel something tense, diarrhea’

    or such classics as: ‘when you’re sliding into first and you feel something burst, diarrhea’

    It’s like we had hash tags before hash tags #diarrhea

    About the same effect.

    • #2 by Andy on January 11, 2012 - 9:36 AM

      Meant to say: #diarrhea #crossfitproblems

  2. #3 by Tony on January 11, 2012 - 9:40 AM

    HAHA made my morning bro…

  3. #4 by RT on January 11, 2012 - 9:40 AM

    You are so dead on, so sick of all the fucks who feel the need to relate everything in their pathetic lives to CF

  4. #5 by Sarah Lewis on January 11, 2012 - 9:46 AM

    I bet the team that beat LSU also doesn’t do CF. idiots…

  5. #6 by ANTHONY B FROM KUWAIT on January 11, 2012 - 9:46 AM

    I thought I was the only one that Jeff Dunham sucked.. And ps.. My quad finally healed from tackle ball on Thanksgiving morning.. Is the fact that I got injured going to keep me from a man sport? Nope.

  6. #7 by Drywall on January 11, 2012 - 9:47 AM

    You just validated my decision to follow 0 people on Twitter.

    • #8 by Zach on January 11, 2012 - 10:05 AM

      I wanted to crush the med ball clean/ grasshopper amrap but pandora won’t play my fav Creed song #crossfitproblems

      • #9 by EPIC on January 11, 2012 - 10:21 AM

        Ha ha. Zach started it off, let’s get some more #crossfitproblems on this bitch. I want some chuckles.

        • #10 by dTRON on January 11, 2012 - 11:47 AM

          My new blue Inov8s aren’t as innovative as I thought… Everyone at the gym has them #crossfitproblems

          • #11 by Pat on January 11, 2012 - 1:21 PM

            My coaches recommend recovering in a bath of epsom salt…but Rob Orlando taught me everything i know about being in the water #crossfitproblems

            • #12 by Ashley D on January 11, 2012 - 1:42 PM

              Hahahahaha. That’s awesome.

        • #13 by Greg on January 12, 2012 - 1:44 PM

          It took me three paleo potluck events to realize that you were supposed to take the brownies home and plant vegetables in them #crossfitproblems

  7. #14 by ct55 on January 11, 2012 - 10:22 AM

    your crosswit slays me every time. Although it’s NSFMK reading (not safe for my kid). Real crossfit problems? How to I grow my box when everyone’s doing youtube WODs in their garage. not funny. I’m a bad comedian … but at least I know it #unintentionalhumor

  8. #15 by Ashley D on January 11, 2012 - 10:26 AM

    We are supposed to do back squats today, but I gained so much weight over Christmas and the last thing I want/need is to get bigger! #crossfitproblems

    • #16 by Jimmy V on January 11, 2012 - 11:26 AM

      Girls think they are funny. #GirlsAreDumb

      • #17 by Ashley D on January 11, 2012 - 12:05 PM

        Wow. Good one, Jimmy. Did you rack your brain for that?

  9. #18 by Joe_T on January 11, 2012 - 10:32 AM

    Web and JT are going to be so pissed when they see you bashing on Sic fit brah, #Thosethatknow

  10. #19 by Dan on January 11, 2012 - 10:32 AM

    People tell me they RX’d the “shopping wod” or the “sleeping wod” I hate that….

  11. #20 by Robb Wolf on January 11, 2012 - 10:49 AM

    Carry the torch brother…carry it high.

    Fucking Drywall.

    • #21 by EPIC on January 11, 2012 - 10:53 AM

      I’m all alone, Robb. And I’m scared.

      • #22 by Drywall on January 11, 2012 - 12:22 PM

        Robb will cuddle with you if you ask him.

      • #23 by Johnny Utah on January 11, 2012 - 12:38 PM

        Don’t worry….AllyNYC, Budding, Castro, Couch and SCIFIT will provide endless amounts of LOL for you to pick from.

        Oh and @fit endurance….. #theycantbeserious

  12. #24 by Nicole on January 11, 2012 - 10:55 AM

    soooo i created the crossfitproblms twitter… maybe it’s not that apparent (clearly i’m not funny enough to make it obvious) that i’m really just clowning on all general crossfit stereotypes/douchebags. except i was serious about the lululemon one! personal problem. i digress. please tell me YOUR twitter so i can follow it bc this post is fucking funny.

    • #25 by EPIC on January 11, 2012 - 11:05 AM

      I understand satire. And you’re welcome for all the twitter followers you’ll get from this post.

    • #26 by kristin on January 11, 2012 - 12:59 PM

      Drywall is a fucking sellout. Rumor has it he works for Reebok now and wears innov8s to work.

      I’ve gained 2kilos since the paleo challenge started. I knew I should’ve gone zaleo #crossfitproblems

      • #27 by EPIC on January 11, 2012 - 1:46 PM

        Me and DW have been working for Reebok for months now and they never let us wear our Inov8’s to work.

  13. #28 by WhiskeyD_ck on January 11, 2012 - 10:56 AM

    DNF’d a WOD last night…

    For Time:
    Get shit faced on Rebel Yell Bourbon
    Slam the fattest war pig at the bar

    DNF=Dick Not Functioning #crossfitproblems

  14. #29 by Denny on January 11, 2012 - 10:57 AM

    As follower of a few fitness-y types on Twitter, I can confirm that inane Twitter posts are by no means exclusive to the CrossFit community. “Look at my depressing healthy dinner” and “trying to invent an inspirational quote” are particularly likely to give me a twitchy forehead vein.

  15. #30 by Nathan on January 11, 2012 - 11:05 AM

    ” Your limited amount of brain cells figured out how to kill some of mine. You win.”

    obvi I was PMSL @ th@!

    Seriously though, nearly pissed my skivvies.

  16. #31 by Jon on January 11, 2012 - 11:19 AM

    The girls think that doing back squats after gaining holiday weight will make them “bigger” #crossfitprblms

    • #32 by Ashley D on January 11, 2012 - 11:37 AM

      Jon, I was making fun. It was a joke.

      • #33 by Jon on January 11, 2012 - 11:54 AM

        the sad thing is, so many people are actually think this way that i took you seriously, looking back now i see the sarcasm in your post.

        • #34 by Ashley D on January 11, 2012 - 12:12 PM

          Jon, I totally understand. I actually had a girl tell me that very thing about a week ago.

  17. #35 by Jason Russo on January 11, 2012 - 11:30 AM

    I shit bones after eating paleo people. #crossfitprblms

  18. #36 by John Madden on January 11, 2012 - 11:46 AM

    CrossFit was cool when people were using it as a means to an end (ie rehab, prepare for MIL/LE/Fire, stop being a fat ass, etc.). Now that every dumb ass that comes to me about CrossFit thinks that they can go to the “Games” and wants to train for the “Games,” people are starting to piss me off.

    Like mothers not allowing their 11 year old children play sports because she wants them to be CrossFit coaches and athletes. STFU and GTFO of my gym!! Leave your children, CPS is on their way to pick them up, bitch.

    • #37 by Justin Pearl on January 13, 2012 - 8:34 AM

      “Like mothers not allowing their 11 year old children play sports because she wants them to be CrossFit coaches and athletes.”

      This really happens???

      • #38 by John Madden on January 13, 2012 - 11:35 AM

        Yup. Had an 11 year old that could kick anyone in the gyms ass in workouts. I would give her weights based on percentages of my body weight to working weight ratio. So relatively speaking she would be lifting the same and be damn near close to me through the workouts. She’s a badass. I was thinking that she needed to get into sports so she could see about putting that athleticism of hers to use and pay for her college and just get out of the gym. She would literally be there from 4pm until after 9. I told her to pick a sport that she liked and she said, “No, this is my sport.” Ok… pick a REAL sport to pay for your college. Her mom came out the office talking about she isn’t going to college, she is going to be a CrossFit kid’s coach and going to compete in CrossFit,. WTF!?!?! You basically just planned her life for her?!?! Pissed me off.

      • #39 by Justin Pearl on January 18, 2012 - 8:22 AM

        That is INCREDIBLY sad…

  19. #40 by NS on January 11, 2012 - 12:09 PM

    Paying 200 bucks a month at a gym to have the WOD be a 5K run. #crossfitproblems
    Paying 200 bucks a month at a gym. #crossfitproblems

  20. #41 by Dano on January 11, 2012 - 1:06 PM

    I follow Tony Budding’s programming and… well, Tony Budding.
    #crossfit problems

    • #42 by John Madden on January 11, 2012 - 1:18 PM


  21. #43 by Big Jim on January 11, 2012 - 1:25 PM

    Pwning 50 box jumps, blew out one of my reebok pumps. #crossfitproblems

    Did squats so heavy the bar left a rust spot across my Tebow Jersey #crossfitproblems

  22. #44 by Pat on January 11, 2012 - 1:31 PM

    Listening to a 20 min interview with Mikko on the mainsite. Trying to understand what the fuck he is saying in hopes that there is something usefull in his barely audible blabbering…getting upset when i realize its titled as a “Part 1”, so they they are going to post another stupid video of him soon. #crossfitproblems

    • #45 by Foreigner on February 2, 2012 - 10:50 AM

      Funny thing bout understanding english is that the majority of the american population is so f**king retarded they barely understand their own langugage. #ittakesaforeigner

  23. #46 by Pat on January 11, 2012 - 1:35 PM

    The real men at my gym keep bugging me to play tackleball with them, but i only want to be fit for my next wod. I dont want use it for anything that could be considered masculine. #crossfitproblems

  24. #47 by Justin Pearl on January 11, 2012 - 1:39 PM

    My $20 Reebok knee socks kept falling down during the box jump/pullup WOD. #crossfitproblems

    • #48 by Andy on January 12, 2012 - 9:03 AM

      You need $5 Adidas ones. For soccer.

  25. #49 by John Madden on January 11, 2012 - 1:41 PM

    My CrossFit Total is greater than the year we are in but I couldn’t throw a softball from short stop to 1st base. #crossfitproblems

  26. #50 by Justin Pearl on January 11, 2012 - 1:43 PM

    Got punched in the face for running my mouth about how elite SEALFIT training is to an actual Navy SEAL. #crossfitproblems

    • #51 by plugpilot on January 11, 2012 - 4:09 PM

      That is fuckin’ hilarious!

    • #52 by Johnny Utah on January 12, 2012 - 3:44 PM


    • #53 by Thomas on February 2, 2012 - 10:56 AM


  27. #54 by Brad on January 11, 2012 - 2:03 PM

    Why doesn’t my box have ellipticals? #crossfitprblms

  28. #55 by Mike on January 11, 2012 - 2:13 PM

    Keep popping boners at the box on account of all the cross-sluts. #crossfitproblems

  29. #56 by CrossSlut on January 11, 2012 - 2:13 PM

    I just did my first RXd wod and still none of my coaches will fuck me #crossfitproblems

  30. #57 by jennmoo on January 11, 2012 - 2:47 PM

    haha a CrossSluts tweet….’like OMG, I got these really awesome shorts and all the guys drool when I wear them. But we had toes to bar and my coochie slipped out….what am I going to do? I just paid $200. I’m so embarrassed I can’t go back #crossfitproblems #imawhore

  31. #58 by DeezNuts on January 11, 2012 - 2:56 PM

    I am strict paleo and I train at a local “Box” with this LvL 5 vegan CrossSlut. How do I ask her if I can toss her salad? #CrossfitProblms

    • #59 by EPIC on January 12, 2012 - 10:19 AM

      DeezNuts wins the #crossfitproblems competition, hands down. DESTROMINATE!

  32. #60 by Bizzie on January 11, 2012 - 3:11 PM

    Oh dear god! This was a good one for sure! I have nothing funny to add, but I so appreciate this blog and all the commenters making my work day better! LMAO, especially at the SEALFIT comment!

  33. #61 by JAY on January 11, 2012 - 4:42 PM

    My SICFIT dogtags are always bouncing around my neck and bugging me during my workout, any suggestions? #CrossfitProblems

  34. #62 by Matty on January 11, 2012 - 6:56 PM

    lol @ SEALFIT. Seriously though, someone other than Lulu & Reebok need to ride the wave of zeal and… I don’t know, ask Crossfitters to tithe a small percentage of their take-home pay or something. Or issue a decree that Crossfitters aren’t to use condoms anymore and see how many cultists put up a new blog about the evils of contraception.

  35. #63 by Meh on January 11, 2012 - 8:33 PM

    I FuckStomp Felons, nightly. But I have low CFT and cant kip a pull-up to save my life, so no one at my box will talk to me #crossfitproblems

  36. #64 by Brett Andrus on January 12, 2012 - 8:04 AM

    I can’t find the naked pictures of AllisonNYC. Where are the nakies? #crossfitproblems

  37. #65 by Todd on January 12, 2012 - 10:57 AM

    would have been better if you destroyed this:

  38. #66 by Dave on January 12, 2012 - 11:29 AM

    On the topic of AllisonNYC I don’t read the posts just look at the pictures. It’s exactly like watching videoclips or porn with the sound off.

  39. #67 by JTSays on January 12, 2012 - 11:48 AM

    Why spend $200 a month on my gym membership to meet CrossSluts when I can sign up for @DateWOD for free? #XfitpRbLeMs

    • #68 by JTSays on January 12, 2012 - 11:54 AM

      Low on cash, deciding what to pay for this month… Box membership or DateWOD #CrossFitproblems

  40. #69 by Ben O'Grady on January 12, 2012 - 11:50 AM

    Fuck why won’t my trainers play the Deadpool song x3 in a row while I finish my WOD?#crossfitproblems.

  41. #70 by Separationcs on January 12, 2012 - 1:10 PM

    Your writing keeps me sane.

  42. #71 by HamBone on January 12, 2012 - 2:53 PM

    got an std from smashing all the crossluts in the gym, again #CrossfitProblms

    • #72 by kristin on January 12, 2012 - 6:32 PM

      I may have to stop reading Epic’s stuff or I may not be able to control the gag reflex when I get to my gym anymore. There is nowhere else for me to squat heavy in town. #crossfitproblems

  43. #73 by fatCARNAGEsloth on January 12, 2012 - 7:45 PM

    “Friends challenged me to a pull up contest at a party, but they didn’t have any chalk .#CrossfitProblms”

    Rip on those “SIC-Flicks:”

    Why are the majority of CrossFit videos so fucking gay?

    I would quit.. but then I would get fat.

  44. #74 by Johnny on the spot on January 12, 2012 - 8:22 PM

    My Fran time would have been 5min better if I had taken my chew out.

  45. #75 by delaforce on January 14, 2012 - 4:08 AM

    awesome. you managed to spawn your very own mindless drivel of crossfit problems. (god damn, just typing it gives me douche chills.) I bet you’re stoked on that.

    • #76 by EPIC on January 14, 2012 - 3:25 PM

      I’m always stoked to give YOU douche chills. For those who think I am angry – delaforce makes me look like Rachel Ray.

      • #77 by delaforce on January 14, 2012 - 7:06 PM

        Does this mean you as Rachel Ray includes a “Paleo weight loss secrets” blog post in the coming days? Who will be your guest host? Oooh, please make it Miranda Oldroyd, I can’t get enough of her commentary on ESPN2 these days!….

  46. #78 by Wild Gorillaman Esq (@WildGorillaMan) on January 14, 2012 - 11:09 AM

    So much win here in the comments.

    • #79 by EPIC on January 14, 2012 - 3:23 PM

      Jesus Christ, it took long enough for you to join in. I should’ve linked you a while ago.

  47. #80 by Jake on January 15, 2012 - 5:43 PM

    Yet another fine piece of literature sir…thank you for it.

  48. #81 by Matt on January 15, 2012 - 6:10 PM

    Wanna masturbate but my hands are shredded from pullups #crossfitproblems

    • #82 by Nick on January 17, 2012 - 5:51 PM

      Nice!! lol

  49. #83 by Adrian on January 17, 2012 - 9:27 PM

    Yea, it is seeping over into the military also. Went to my brigades gym this weekend, and saw the normal minimus crowd now wearing shin ??warmers??? and saw 2 headbands, on guys squatting 185 7-10 times and throwing the weights down. Its an epidemic now

  50. #84 by mmarlin on January 17, 2012 - 10:30 PM

    all i’ve got to say –

  51. #85 by Neandraphuck on January 21, 2012 - 4:13 PM

    Hmmmm.. lovely day for a stoning.

  52. #86 by Muzzy on January 24, 2012 - 10:23 AM

    USA has quality crosswear but costs the earth in shipping to get to the uk #crossfitproblems #skint

  53. #87 by Dave on January 28, 2012 - 9:07 AM

    Hate it when I’m out doin hill sprints and see a sick looking branch for a quick set of kips, but left my emergency chalk bag at the box #cfproblems

  54. #88 by Daniel on February 8, 2012 - 9:53 PM

    Is this the real Allyson? scroll all the way down. You’re fucking hilarious btw.

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