Archive for March, 2012
Allow me to introduce you to a thing called RX Star. It’s something inspirational for CrossFit women. They put out daily doses of incoherent drivel on Facebook. I’m about to stomp the shit out of them, but you should ‘like’ their page (if you love getting cringy douche-chills). I do. Sometimes, my wife asks me why the fuck I don’t change the channel when that movie with Nick Cannon playing drums in a marching band is on. “All you do is sit here and bitch about how bad the movie is and how much Nick Cannon sucks. Just change the fucking channel.” I can’t. It’s so fucking terrible, I can’t stop watching. Just like this:
Strongstrength just made your skin hurt from reading that steaming pile of feces. It’s like Lisbeth Darsh smoked PCP and fired off a machine gun that shot pink paintballs and awkward non-sequiturs. Those of you who’ve watched over the past couple weeks as I’ve needled them on facebook know what’s been building here. It all started a while back when someone brought this to my attention:
Why does RX Star exist? Why do they have a sturdy facebook following? Pointless questions, but this kind of motivational bullshit has been around longer than you and me. In the old days, broads were tougher and smarter so it was slightly less annoying and a lot more readable.
Regardless, inspirational shit lowers your sperm count. Think: “Live Laugh Love”. That stupid fucking shit was created by some broad who wanted to boss you around. Don’t fucking tell me what to do, toots. I don’t even know you. Besides, the only example of a motivational imperative that does not eat a pile of dongs exists in the University of Notre Dame.
The hiring process took a while and that’s why you haven’t heard from me. Also because everyone’s incessant bitching about the Open Qualifiers programming along with all those terribly played-the-fuck-out snatch double entendres have made me want to suckstart my Glock. I’ve been a recluse but I can’t hide forever. So it’s time to start being positive and get a real job. I’m working for HQ now, bitches. Don’t worry, I’m going to be professional about this and Rory McKernon gets to keep that “bow-tie of irony”. Because there are only three professions where a bow-tie is acceptable:
There will be some changes though. A joke me and Drywall made on facebook a couple weeks ago got approved as the title for our new format. Behold:
Nothing major will change. They’re still gonna yammer on about exercise. The athlete interviews will still lack personality and substance. The interaction between Sherwood, Oldroyd and McKernan will still be as awkward as any public access TV channel. However, I plan to increase the amount of creepy looks Pat Sherwood gives to Miranda Oldroyd.