The Newbie’s Guide To CrossFit

Hey there, n00b.  You’ve committed to joining a CrossFit affiliate in January.  Congrats and welcome to a strange environment of group exercise (and groupthink).  Before you show up with uncool shoes, basketball shorts and no understanding of how to do a Sumo Deadlift High Pull, allow me to assist you in navigating the unfamiliar world of CrossFit.  Since I’ve already covered what not to do here, I’m going to give you some tips on what you can do in order to survive. 

Don’t Worry About The Movements:  You’ve been hornswoggled into taking an on-ramp program where a coach will teach you how WE exercise.  The extra fee for the on-ramp program i$ fun becau$e you’ve already paid for your member$hip and now you’ll al$o have to pay more ca$h to be taught how to be a member.  You won’t learn how to do cool shit, but you’ll become a fucking samurai with the PVC pipe.

Didn’t see that on ESPN2? Welcome to CrossFit, sucka.

Scale The WODs:  CrossFit is hard and you suck, so scaling makes it easier.  I went into detail here, and your coach can help you figure out how to apply the concept.  Sometimes, you have to be creative in order to hit from the ladies’ tees. 

Thanks to DNF Apparel for the shirt.  Buy their shit, proceeds go to charity.

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Come At Me, Coach Volume III: High Rep Box Jumps?

If you were wondering how you might go about destroying the strongest and thickest tendon in your body, a simple way to achieve this feat would be to perform high rep box jumps.  In this “Come At Me Coach” installment, I call upon the coaches to convince me (and my surgically-repaired Achilles) as to why it’s necessary to have your clients boing boing in repetition despite the inherent risk of injury.

I started writing this post a week ago with every intention of being really persuasive as to why high rep box jumps are fucking stupid and dangerous.  Then something happened.  Last Friday, CrossFit Games athlete Kate Rawlings ruptured her left Achilles during the box jump portion of Filthy 50.  She had surgery yesterday.  I guess I don’t have to soapbox this one as hard. 

Kate Rawlings: CrossFit's most recent box jump Achilles casualty

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New CrossFit Products For The Disposable Income Crowd!

And by disposable income crowd, I mean pretty much anyone in the CrossFit community.  Since we are upper-middle class with decent salaries and a love for all things overpriced, we need to consume more shit.  Kind of like CrossFit toys for our snot-nosed kids.  Your lil’ crumbsnatchers will be destrominating metcons with these multi-colored and functional WOD Toys.  

No seriously, I didn't make this up.

I’m pretty sure if I unwrapped that crap on Christmas morning back in the early 80’s I’d be one pissed off little fuck.”Where is my motherfucking Boba Fett action figure I asked for?”  Santa’s gonna get cockpunched.  You want to get your kids toys that will make them fit and peel their fwoot-snack chomping asses away from that stupid iCarly episode they’ve seen 8 times?  Here’s some shit for ’em that will blow their minds:

These things are not available at any participating CrossFit Kids affiliate.

Since we’re on the subject of things CrossFitters could spend their extra money on, lemme give you a sneak peek at some items about to hit the market from some of your favorite manufacturers of CrossFit related shit.

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Anger & Fuck Yeah

I walk around angry.  Most of the time.  It’s because of the fuckheads that ooze weakness all around me.  More importantly, I’m irate because anger is the shit.  It’s one of only two emotions I have.  The other emotion: fuck yeah.  Sometimes I’m not angry and I’m like, “fuck yeah”.  When I’m angry, I’m also like, “fuck yeah”.  Anger, for me, gets directed into focused and driven work.  Destromination ensues.

Chuck Bednarik: A physical representation of both "anger" and "fuck yeah".

Chuck motherfucking Bednarik of the Phildelphia Eagles.  The guy who, in 1960, hospitalized Frank Gifford and made certain the New York Giants would be one less nancie wide receiver for over a year.  Maybe you don’t give a fuck about an NFL history lesson.  You don’t need to.  Look at the guy’s hand (below) and see what kind of tough son of a bitch he is.  Carry that attitude in your training.  Anger and fuck yeah.  If you approach the barbell like Bednarik approached the game of football, gravity will be scared of you.

Ear plugs are needed when he pops his knuckles

But I don’t feel like talking about training this week.  Tomorrow, “anger” temporarily takes a back seat to “fuck yeah” for me.  It’s the only holiday worth a damn in the calender year.  For those of my readers outside of the United States, lemme give you a lesson about the greatest and most beard-growing/pee-standing-up holiday in the world: 

Don't touch me, Gay Sweater.

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Destrominate Training Plateaus

There comes a point in your training where the PR’s aren’t as huge as they used to be.  In some cases, you may go for a stretch where there are no PRs.  What is that, a slump?  Training plateau?  Don’t write that shit off like, “Meh.  I just haven’t been feeling it recently.”  That sounds like a mouth-queef to me and it means you’re ready for a sturdy cockpunch.

Told that ass.

When you started CrossFit there was an initial period where you were making huge gains in all areas of fitness because in the beginning, you were probably terrible.  This doesn’t apply to me because I’ve been a hardcock since my first CrossFit Kids WOD back in 1978: For time: Vagina escape, umbilical-cord descent, 1 burpee, 400m run (1:12 RX).  Suck it, n00bs.

The picture isn't accurate. I had a full beard at birth. And pubes.

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Fat Acceptance Is Unacceptable

The obesity epidemic is the dumbest shit to ever occur in humanity and obese people are disgusting (duh).  While there’s not much substance to making fun of the obese, I’m tired of hearing them bitch about fat shit.  “Wahhhh I can’t lose weight.”  “Wahhhh I can’t buy clothes that fit.”  “Wahhhh the McRib is on a limited run.”

What’s the most pitiful statement that defecates from their foodslots?  “You’re so lucky you’re not fat.  You have good genes.”  Hold the fucking mayonnaise, widebody.  Let’s sort this out.  I’m not fat because:

Genes?  Go to an impoverished nation with a food shortage and find the genetic-lottery losers of weight gain in that bunch.  Being fat has little to do with genetics but a lot to do with poor decisions.  Everyone has a bad-idea-filter in their brain.  The bad-idea-filter in the brains of the obese is disconnected from their tongues.  Boom.  That’s the sound of a scientist high-fiving me.

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Harden The Fuck Up: Volume I

This week my bro, Timmy Francis, briefly pauses from life in shithole Afghanistan to destrominate another guest post for Beastmodal Domains.  He won’t even get to see the stupid pics and captions I added for a couple days because he’s too busy cockpunching the Taliban.     

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One of the best things about Crossfit is that it can take a lazy, slothful, societal waste and quickly turn him into a physically fit, active athlete.  It’s badass to see somebody who until recently was busy playing “Hide the Triple Stack” and searching for his wienermeat suddenly throwing down on a WOD. 

"I don't get it. Grapes are paleo, right?"

Crossfit has taught him he’s not the weak, beleaguered victim society wants him to think he is.  He’s actually a tough mother fucker that can go BEASTMODE and destrominate challenges he faces.  The transformation, however, can’t stop there.  You must always push your limits further.  Here are some people who laughed in the face of perceived limitations and any pissant obstacle that got in their way.

Muggsy Bogues had challenges (to include playing against Jordan's Hitler mustache).

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Come At Me, Coach: Volume II – Why Do We Do This?

I was joking the last time I did a “Come At Me, Coach” post (it was about elipticals for Christ sake).  This time I’m not dicking around.  There are a couple of things I’ve been wondering and I want answers.  Yall mu’fuckers got some ‘splaining to do.  Coaches – speak up and tell me why I’m wrong.

Me and Matt Cassel are about to fuck you up, dawg.

I’m a believer in and practitioner of CrossFit, but I don’t suckle from the teat of bullshit.  There is some wack-ass shit going on and I’m fittin’ to call it out.  Perhaps I’ve lost my fucking mind by questioning common CF wisdom.  Maybe I’m just an idiot who doesn’t know any better.  Besides, we all know what happens in CrossFit when folks go against the grain

How pissed was he to find out they only serve beans and cornbread in the joint?

Anyway, why are we still doing Sumo Deadlift High Pulls?  It’s a bullshit movement.  I figured the “I (Heart) My Supraspinatus” piece from Whole 9 would’ve made people see the light.  Nope.  We’re still doing ’em.  I guess we don’t listen to Whole 9 because they lost their affiliate status (just like Robb Wolf and Greg Everett).  That post goes into great detail about the problems associated with the movement much of which can be summed up by the below picture:

Long story short, Hartwig highlights the fact that the intense and repetitive, mechanically disadvantageous position at the top of the movement is begging for injury as your supraspinatus is violently and repeatedly jammed into your scapula.  I don’t care how much you consider the movement functional in that it requires “an aggressive extension of the hips and legs”.  Why the fuck would you ever lift something with your arms in that position?  Oooo!  I know!…

Maybe it’s not a worthless movement after all…

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What’s Wrong With CrossFit in the Reebok Era?

It’s been almost a year since the announcement of Reebok becoming the title sponsor of the CrossFit Games.  I think for many, the knee-jerk reaction to the news was negative.  Corporate Reebok conjured images of those terrible “Easytone” shoes that promised you could lose your fat-mom ass without doing anything but standing around.  Despite our hesitations, the past year has seen some noticeable growth in CrossFit, and that aint bad.

Shaddup, already... Slut.

I thought we were off to a rough start with the RealFlex commercial which featured 2010 champ Graham Holmberg and NOT 2010 champ Becca Voigt.  Strategic?  Youbetcha.  Reebok couldn’t put Kristan Clever in that commercial because she looks like a man.  I think that’s as wrong as dudes wearing skinny jeans, but I understand basic marketing.

Pretty sure there's been some dongs up in there.

Then the Games came and went.  Softballs were thrown, spin bikes were spun and Froning climbed a rope with no consequence.  A new (more marketable) female champ was crowned.  Many of us tried to watch people exercise on the internet, but the feed was fucked up (not Reebok’s fault).  Recompense came months later as we watched the World Series of Exercise replace the World Series of Poker on ESPN2.  The picture below suggests we saw this coming.

OPT: Owning Poker Tournaments

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Don’t Be A Dumbass Client.

My relationship with CrossFit coaches is similar to that of my old football coach in that: if they tell me to do something, I do it without question.  That’s called respect and it’s easy for me because I have legit coaches.  I wish HQ would issue whistles so coaches could blast ’em anytime someone acts like a fuckstick in the gym.  Late to class?  Whistle!  Dropping an empty bar?  Whistle!  Running your suck about that new Lululemon outfit during the instruction portion of class?  Triple whistle!  “Run laps till I say stop, dipshit.”

New coaching apparel at the Reebok CrossFit store - high cut polyester shorts.

This one’s for the real CrossFit coaches.  The ones who know their shit.  Those who’ve put in long hours helping clients get better well after the class is over.  They are the ones who’ve rallied the community behind charity causes that raise fucktons of money after building their businesses knowing full well they weren’t going to get rich.  Coaches who got way more pumped about a client getting their first muscleup than even that client did.

But this is Beastmodal Domains, where I uphold a standard of making fun of shit and so far I’ve done nothing but pass out handjobs.  I’ll leave the corny, feel-good bullshit to SICFIT and get to work slaying the absurd.  I asked coaches from Australia to Vegas to sound off about clients that annoy the fuck out of them.  These people suffer in silence when one of us does or says something fucking stupid.  They have to remain political.  I do not.  Coaches love what they do, but like every job – there is shit that pisses them off.

“Go Too Heavy Guy”:  A male ego problem.  Strong motherfuckers go heavy and maintain a good pace.  Needledicks go heavy and take too fucking long.  I call these guys Rip Van WODkilla.  Doing it RX’d is a bad idea if you don’t have the stones to back it up.  Sometimes, “Go too heavy guy” is actually strong but he scales up or adds a weighted vest as a copout in order to avoid getting smoked by better athletes who do it RX’d.

"You only beat my Murph time by 2 hours because I carried all of my platoon's gear."

“Afraid of Weights Girl”:  “If I do squats my legs will get too big.  If I lift weights, I will look like a dude.  I need to do more running/rowing”.  It’s been proven what CrossFit can do for a woman’s physique.  Any chick who doesn’t want to look like Camille is a moron on the fast-track to cankles and a muffin-top.

This picture is the leading killer of my boner.

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