The hiring process took a while and that’s why you haven’t heard from me. Also because everyone’s incessant bitching about the Open Qualifiers programming along with all those terribly played-the-fuck-out snatch double entendres have made me want to suckstart my Glock. I’ve been a recluse but I can’t hide forever. So it’s time to start being positive and get a real job. I’m working for HQ now, bitches. Don’t worry, I’m going to be professional about this and Rory McKernon gets to keep that “bow-tie of irony”. Because there are only three professions where a bow-tie is acceptable:
There will be some changes though. A joke me and Drywall made on facebook a couple weeks ago got approved as the title for our new format. Behold:
Nothing major will change. They’re still gonna yammer on about exercise. The athlete interviews will still lack personality and substance. The interaction between Sherwood, Oldroyd and McKernan will still be as awkward as any public access TV channel. However, I plan to increase the amount of creepy looks Pat Sherwood gives to Miranda Oldroyd.
In addition to that, we’re going to turn the cameras away from the famous exercisers and focus on some lesser-knowns. Diamond Dave and his boys are finally gonna get the spotlight. If I would’ve known I could wrap paper towels around the bar, maybe I wouldn’t have been so terrible on 12.2.
We’re also going to allow sponsors (other than Reebok) to advertise. Lil’ commercial breaks for great products like this one. Oxygen4Energy sells the opposite of an elevation mask: oxygen that you can breathe. Chuck “Crazy Legs” Stumpf wants you to know that huffing inhalants is gonna get him to da Games.
Don’t make fun of this shit. Just because oxygen is free doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pay for it. If oxygen runs out, you’re gonna need it just like Mel Brooks as President Skroob in Spaceballs.
While we were collecting sponsors, I got an email from a great company who makes something (1) I didn’t know existed and (B) I really fucking need. A motherfucking food journal. How the fuck else am I gonna account for how many bites of sweet potato I’ve eaten? No worries. According to my food journal, I’ve eaten 3.14 so far today. That’s like 8 Zone blocks! Fat boy likey!
Anyway, I hope you guys like the changes to the Games Update show. I’m just so pumped they hired me. On my first day at HQ, I was trying to do some Beastmodey humor to lighten everyone up. I put up copies of this pic I made around the office. It wasn’t well received.
I guess it pissed off some folks and I got a “warning”. Roger that! No more stapling my cute pics to Castro’s and Budding’s cubicles.
Then, I fucked up again and got a 2nd warning. Something I said to Rory Mckernan in the bathroom. I was just fucking around. Christ, it’s what I do. Rory – I seriously didn’t mean to piss you off.
I know my lanes now, and I ain’t gonna mess this up. I’m on the inside. Oh, and I have to quit this blog. Sorry, everyone.
Fuck. HQ just read my Achilles post. In my defense, I wrote that WAY before 12.3. 3rd strike and now I’m fucking fired. At least it wasn’t in a public forum like the CrossFit message board. Oh well. Back to being fringe, I guess. And back to gay-ass blogging.