I’m The New Producer Of The CrossFit Games Update Show

The hiring process took a while and that’s why you haven’t heard from me.  Also because everyone’s incessant bitching about the Open Qualifiers programming along with all those terribly played-the-fuck-out snatch double entendres have made me want to suckstart my Glock.  I’ve been a recluse but I can’t hide forever.  So it’s time to start being positive and get a real job.  I’m working for HQ now, bitches.  Don’t worry, I’m going to be professional about this and Rory McKernon gets to keep that “bow-tie of irony”.  Because there are only three professions where a bow-tie is acceptable:

There will be some changes though.  A joke me and Drywall made on facebook a couple weeks ago got approved as the title for our new format.  Behold:

Nothing major will change.  They’re still gonna yammer on about exercise.  The athlete interviews will still lack personality and substance.  The interaction between Sherwood, Oldroyd and McKernan will still be as awkward as any public access TV channel.  However, I plan to increase the amount of creepy looks Pat Sherwood gives to Miranda Oldroyd.

In addition to that, we’re going to turn the cameras away from the famous exercisers and focus on some lesser-knowns.  Diamond Dave and his boys are finally gonna get the spotlight.  If I would’ve known I could wrap paper towels around the bar, maybe I wouldn’t have been so terrible on 12.2.

We’re also going to allow sponsors (other than Reebok) to advertise.  Lil’ commercial breaks for great products like this one.  Oxygen4Energy sells the opposite of an elevation mask: oxygen that you can breathe.  Chuck “Crazy Legs” Stumpf wants you to know that huffing inhalants is gonna get him to da Games.

Don’t make fun of this shit.  Just because oxygen is free doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pay for it.  If oxygen runs out, you’re gonna need it just like Mel Brooks as President Skroob in Spaceballs.

While we were collecting sponsors, I got an email from a great company who makes something (1) I didn’t know existed and (B) I really fucking need.  A motherfucking food journal.  How the fuck else am I gonna account for how many bites of sweet potato I’ve eaten?  No worries.  According to my food journal, I’ve eaten 3.14 so far today.  That’s like 8 Zone blocks!  Fat boy likey!

Anyway, I hope you guys like the changes to the Games Update show.  I’m just so pumped they hired me.  On my first day at HQ, I was trying to do some Beastmodey humor to lighten everyone up.  I put up copies of this pic I made around the office.  It wasn’t well received.

I guess it pissed off some folks and I got a “warning”.  Roger that!  No more stapling my cute pics to Castro’s and Budding’s cubicles.

Then, I fucked up again and got a 2nd warning.  Something I said to Rory Mckernan in the bathroom.  I was just fucking around.  Christ, it’s what I do.  Rory – I seriously didn’t mean to piss you off.

I know my lanes now, and I ain’t gonna mess this up.  I’m on the inside.  Oh, and I have to quit this blog.  Sorry, everyone.

Fuck.  HQ just read my Achilles post.  In my defense, I wrote that WAY before 12.3.  3rd strike and now I’m fucking fired.  At least it wasn’t in a public forum like the CrossFit message board.  Oh well.  Back to being fringe, I guess.  And back to gay-ass blogging.

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  1. #1 by sean on March 9, 2012 - 9:16 AM

    Does the food journal have a section for amounts binged and purged?

    • #2 by EPIC on March 9, 2012 - 9:50 AM

      It does. And it’s amazing. I can’t believe it only costs 20 bucks. Those who have the eating disorder of “writing down food” and use a regular, cheap notebook are fucking gay.

  2. #3 by Sharon on March 9, 2012 - 9:18 AM

    ***golfclap***

    Well played.

  3. #4 by Daniel on March 9, 2012 - 9:24 AM

    First all up in dis. Sloppy for the rest a y’all.

    • #5 by TheMuck on March 12, 2012 - 11:14 AM

      Really!!!!??? There are still people who comment just to be the first “commenter”!!!!!!

      DOUCHE!

      • #6 by Turbo on March 15, 2012 - 4:05 AM

        Yeah…you-Daniel. Find traffic fast enough and then play in it. Please. I’m asking nicely.

      • #7 by Justin Pearl on March 15, 2012 - 2:48 PM

        That’s how you know your blog has hit the big-time.

  4. #8 by Daniel on March 9, 2012 - 9:25 AM

    Crap. Screw you guys and your non dial up internets.

    • #9 by Turbo on March 15, 2012 - 4:06 AM

      I’m aware on late on letting you know you’re a tool….but I feel a need for reiteration.

  5. #10 by Freedo on March 9, 2012 - 9:26 AM

    Glad your gay ass is back…this is where you belong. Why would even think of leaving us out on the limb like that man? We need your insight into CF.

  6. #11 by Sue on March 9, 2012 - 9:33 AM

    lmao “ExerciseCenter”

  7. #12 by Drywall on March 9, 2012 - 9:34 AM

    I always imagined the bathrooms at HQ being dirtier.

    • #13 by EPIC on March 9, 2012 - 9:45 AM

      The photo was staged. They sent Adrian Bozman in there to “tidy up” before we took the shot.

      • #14 by the unit on March 9, 2012 - 10:45 AM

        are you telling me there are no pullup bars in the bathrooms at HQ?? fucking pussies

    • #15 by curator on March 9, 2012 - 1:13 PM

      at least they remembered to edit the gloryholes out of the picture

      • #16 by Pat B on March 9, 2012 - 5:41 PM

        Is this the curator on Outlaw that makes stupid comments n gets butt hurt when people call you out on it… If not disregard

        • #17 by curator on March 9, 2012 - 5:56 PM

          no. this is the curator on outlaw that asks legitimate questions then calls out the troll when you act like children. cant we all just get along?

        • #18 by ATD on March 10, 2012 - 5:28 PM

          HA!

  8. #19 by Bongu Bongu on March 9, 2012 - 9:38 AM

    I like getting the Facebook Pukie acct to post more and more text. It makes it easier to analyze who it is.

    • #20 by The Clown on March 13, 2012 - 4:07 AM

      I think it’s probably a group effort, but Glassman is obviously involved. Nobody else could ever be that obsessed with the OPT and Zagarino sagas.

  9. #21 by Matt on March 9, 2012 - 10:28 AM

    So you ate sweet potato pi? in blocks? Mind = blown.

    • #22 by EPIC on March 9, 2012 - 10:31 AM

      I was waiting for someone to call me out on that lame math joke.

      And a Star Wars joke? I’m a virgin and live at home with my mom.

  10. #23 by Dr. Barry Hungwell on March 9, 2012 - 10:52 AM

    As a product of Alabama and all things southern, as well as a science nerd, I LOLz at the sweet potato Pi!

    You took being clever and pushed its shit it with that one.

  11. #24 by Dusty on March 9, 2012 - 11:02 AM

    Fuck Oxygen, if you want to be Elite someone needs to get to bottling Rich Froning farts or the scaled for females version Camille Leblanc-Bazinet queef. Hit that shit before a workout and you’re guaranteed to destroy your next WOD right?

    • #25 by Danny on March 15, 2012 - 10:21 AM

      jaja!! pretty sure neither would mind having tubes stuck in there.

    • #26 by Jeremy King on March 17, 2012 - 7:19 PM

      ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The best comment ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  12. #27 by Holls on March 9, 2012 - 11:56 AM

    Screw the Oxygen 4Energy… I need to get me some of those pants…

  13. #28 by Johnny Utah on March 9, 2012 - 12:20 PM

    After all this time….the secret to epic snatches is paper towels.

    /Mind ASPLOD

  14. #29 by DeezNuts on March 9, 2012 - 2:33 PM

    Tip my hat to you Sir…I was holding on for the rare Triple Entendre although I’ll settle on a double.

  15. #30 by Zach Brodis on March 9, 2012 - 10:31 PM

    If I wrote down everything I ate I wouldn’t have time to do anything but write and eat.

  16. #31 by Javi on March 10, 2012 - 7:47 AM

    Wait … I think it’s hilarious that the HQ actually blocked you from following on Twitter. BRUTAL!

  17. #32 by Grog Newton on March 10, 2012 - 7:58 AM

    Why is Greg Glassman always called the founder of CF? Didn’t his (now ex) wife Lauren Glassman (Jenai now) also co-found CF??

  18. #33 by bigdogwods on March 10, 2012 - 8:54 AM

    Soooo weird that the guy in rainbow colored tights has a Brick CrossFit shirt on. Never would have guessed that.

    • #34 by EPIC on March 10, 2012 - 10:00 AM

      Actual lol. Bob Harper has left his mark on Brick.

      • #35 by bigdogwods on March 10, 2012 - 12:04 PM

        I’m going to assume that’s not all he left there…

  19. #36 by Tambra Skorcz on March 10, 2012 - 11:23 AM

    Failure doesn’t suggest you’re a failure it really means you have not succeeded yet.
    It isn’t everything you pay a guy, but what he costs you that counts.

  20. #37 by Coach Arnold on March 10, 2012 - 12:53 PM

    I don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there.

  21. #38 by TheMuck on March 12, 2012 - 11:17 AM

    I cant beleive that Glassman comes on a public forum and revokes someone’s affiliate status!

    I guess in Crossfit, opinions really are like ass holes – everyone has one, but its best not to show it in public!

  22. #39 by David Watkins (@dwatty79) on March 14, 2012 - 9:28 AM

    Epic @realpukie is not playing nice

  23. #40 by Danny Dods on March 18, 2012 - 11:02 AM

    saw some ‘P90X is man aerobics, so come do ReeBok CrossFit’ type of ad the other day.

    Yet Tony Horton is lightyears more fit than Greg Glassman, but they are both around the same agee.

  24. #41 by cass on April 10, 2012 - 9:16 AM

    The only girls worth marrying are virgins. Any chick who has sex before marriage is a fool. No man wants to marry a chick who has already given away her treasure. Marriage doesn’t guarantee that a guy will stay, but the paperwork will make him think twice about running away.

  25. #42 by Dave on April 25, 2012 - 10:59 AM

    Is it just me or is Miranda O starting to look bulky.. and not in a sexy way?

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