Come At Me, Coach: Volume II – Why Do We Do This?

I was joking the last time I did a “Come At Me, Coach” post (it was about elipticals for Christ sake).  This time I’m not dicking around.  There are a couple of things I’ve been wondering and I want answers.  Yall mu’fuckers got some ‘splaining to do.  Coaches – speak up and tell me why I’m wrong.

Me and Matt Cassel are about to fuck you up, dawg.

I’m a believer in and practitioner of CrossFit, but I don’t suckle from the teat of bullshit.  There is some wack-ass shit going on and I’m fittin’ to call it out.  Perhaps I’ve lost my fucking mind by questioning common CF wisdom.  Maybe I’m just an idiot who doesn’t know any better.  Besides, we all know what happens in CrossFit when folks go against the grain…

How pissed was he to find out they only serve beans and cornbread in the joint?

Anyway, why are we still doing Sumo Deadlift High Pulls?  It’s a bullshit movement.  I figured the “I (Heart) My Supraspinatus” piece from Whole 9 would’ve made people see the light.  Nope.  We’re still doing ’em.  I guess we don’t listen to Whole 9 because they lost their affiliate status (just like Robb Wolf and Greg Everett).  That post goes into great detail about the problems associated with the movement much of which can be summed up by the below picture:

Long story short, Hartwig highlights the fact that the intense and repetitive, mechanically disadvantageous position at the top of the movement is begging for injury as your supraspinatus is violently and repeatedly jammed into your scapula.  I don’t care how much you consider the movement functional in that it requires “an aggressive extension of the hips and legs”.  Why the fuck would you ever lift something with your arms in that position?  Oooo!  I know!…

Maybe it’s not a worthless movement after all…

What’s Wrong With CrossFit in the Reebok Era?

It’s been almost a year since the announcement of Reebok becoming the title sponsor of the CrossFit Games.  I think for many, the knee-jerk reaction to the news was negative.  Corporate Reebok conjured images of those terrible “Easytone” shoes that promised you could lose your fat-mom ass without doing anything but standing around.  Despite our hesitations, the past year has seen some noticeable growth in CrossFit, and that aint bad.

Shaddup, already... Slut.

I thought we were off to a rough start with the RealFlex commercial which featured 2010 champ Graham Holmberg and NOT 2010 champ Becca Voigt.  Strategic?  Youbetcha.  Reebok couldn’t put Kristan Clever in that commercial because she looks like a man.  I think that’s as wrong as dudes wearing skinny jeans, but I understand basic marketing.

Pretty sure there's been some dongs up in there.

Then the Games came and went.  Softballs were thrown, spin bikes were spun and Froning climbed a rope with no consequence.  A new (more marketable) female champ was crowned.  Many of us tried to watch people exercise on the internet, but the feed was fucked up (not Reebok’s fault).  Recompense came months later as we watched the World Series of Exercise replace the World Series of Poker on ESPN2.  The picture below suggests we saw this coming.

OPT: Owning Poker Tournaments

Don’t Be A Dumbass Client.

My relationship with CrossFit coaches is similar to that of my old football coach in that: if they tell me to do something, I do it without question.  That’s called respect and it’s easy for me because I have legit coaches.  I wish HQ would issue whistles so coaches could blast ’em anytime someone acts like a fuckstick in the gym.  Late to class?  Whistle!  Dropping an empty bar?  Whistle!  Running your suck about that new Lululemon outfit during the instruction portion of class?  Triple whistle!  “Run laps till I say stop, dipshit.”

New coaching apparel at the Reebok CrossFit store - high cut polyester shorts.

This one’s for the real CrossFit coaches.  The ones who know their shit.  Those who’ve put in long hours helping clients get better well after the class is over.  They are the ones who’ve rallied the community behind charity causes that raise fucktons of money after building their businesses knowing full well they weren’t going to get rich.  Coaches who got way more pumped about a client getting their first muscleup than even that client did.

But this is Beastmodal Domains, where I uphold a standard of making fun of shit and so far I’ve done nothing but pass out handjobs.  I’ll leave the corny, feel-good bullshit to SICFIT and get to work slaying the absurd.  I asked coaches from Australia to Vegas to sound off about clients that annoy the fuck out of them.  These people suffer in silence when one of us does or says something fucking stupid.  They have to remain political.  I do not.  Coaches love what they do, but like every job – there is shit that pisses them off.

“Go Too Heavy Guy”:  A male ego problem.  Strong motherfuckers go heavy and maintain a good pace.  Needledicks go heavy and take too fucking long.  I call these guys Rip Van WODkilla.  Doing it RX’d is a bad idea if you don’t have the stones to back it up.  Sometimes, “Go too heavy guy” is actually strong but he scales up or adds a weighted vest as a copout in order to avoid getting smoked by better athletes who do it RX’d.

"You only beat my Murph time by 2 hours because I carried all of my platoon's gear."

“Afraid of Weights Girl”:  “If I do squats my legs will get too big.  If I lift weights, I will look like a dude.  I need to do more running/rowing”.  It’s been proven what CrossFit can do for a woman’s physique.  Any chick who doesn’t want to look like Camille is a moron on the fast-track to cankles and a muffin-top.

This picture is the leading killer of my boner.