Don’t Be A Dumbass Client.

My relationship with CrossFit coaches is similar to that of my old football coach in that: if they tell me to do something, I do it without question.  That’s called respect and it’s easy for me because I have legit coaches.  I wish HQ would issue whistles so coaches could blast ’em anytime someone acts like a fuckstick in the gym.  Late to class?  Whistle!  Dropping an empty bar?  Whistle!  Running your suck about that new Lululemon outfit during the instruction portion of class?  Triple whistle!  “Run laps till I say stop, dipshit.”

New coaching apparel at the Reebok CrossFit store - high cut polyester shorts.

This one’s for the real CrossFit coaches.  The ones who know their shit.  Those who’ve put in long hours helping clients get better well after the class is over.  They are the ones who’ve rallied the community behind charity causes that raise fucktons of money after building their businesses knowing full well they weren’t going to get rich.  Coaches who got way more pumped about a client getting their first muscleup than even that client did.

But this is Beastmodal Domains, where I uphold a standard of making fun of shit and so far I’ve done nothing but pass out handjobs.  I’ll leave the corny, feel-good bullshit to SICFIT and get to work slaying the absurd.  I asked coaches from Australia to Vegas to sound off about clients that annoy the fuck out of them.  These people suffer in silence when one of us does or says something fucking stupid.  They have to remain political.  I do not.  Coaches love what they do, but like every job – there is shit that pisses them off.

“Go Too Heavy Guy”:  A male ego problem.  Strong motherfuckers go heavy and maintain a good pace.  Needledicks go heavy and take too fucking long.  I call these guys Rip Van WODkilla.  Doing it RX’d is a bad idea if you don’t have the stones to back it up.  Sometimes, “Go too heavy guy” is actually strong but he scales up or adds a weighted vest as a copout in order to avoid getting smoked by better athletes who do it RX’d.

"You only beat my Murph time by 2 hours because I carried all of my platoon's gear."

“Afraid of Weights Girl”:  “If I do squats my legs will get too big.  If I lift weights, I will look like a dude.  I need to do more running/rowing”.  It’s been proven what CrossFit can do for a woman’s physique.  Any chick who doesn’t want to look like Camille is a moron on the fast-track to cankles and a muffin-top.

This picture is the leading killer of my boner.

“Chalk Everything Guy”:  If we were in the Arctic Circle, he would be invisible.  Does he realize too much chalk increases friction and results in more frequent tears?  No, he’s too busy sliming his chalky-sweat icing all over the GHD making it look like a fucking glazed donut.  Thanks a lot, Ashy Larry.

"Marcy Projects. Marcy, son- what?"

“I’ll Pay You Next Week Client”:  Just because they run “Barbells for Boobs” doesn’t mean they do charity for YOUR broke ass.  That shit didn’t fly at the Globo Gym, why do you think CrossFit is any different?  Oh, because the owners are cool and you have some laughs with them, you think it’s okay to be casual with your dues?  Fork over the cash, moneygrip.  These types are the oppposite of “Pay and Never Show Up Clients” a.k.a the “January 1st fatty” crowd.  Those losers are hardly worth mentioning, although they are the reason your box got new C2 rowers last March. 

The below link is NSFW so turn down the sound, cubicle dwellers.

“Macho Man”:  Besides the fact that you regularly creep out the girls in the box, you think you are too manly to take direction from a female coach while your power cleans still look like reverse curls.  Great coaching has nothing to do with gender but everything to do with a person who knows their shit.  If you think going Beastmode is reserved only for bros, you should compete against a legit female athlete.  We’ll all have a chuckle when she bends you over and calls you her bitch.

She'll whip your ass with a smile on her face.

“Easliy Offended Girl”.  She won’t be reading this, because she’s too busy trying to find someone to pay attention to her foul bitching and moaning.  She whines about: the heat/cold, the music, the language, people’s clothing (or lack of), coaching styles, the parking situation, awesome website posts.  She’s only capable of flipping the switch to go cuntmode.  “Wahhhhh.”  Go work out at “Curves” or shut the fuck up, bitch.

"They wore nothing but sports bras and booty shorts. And they played a rap song that had the "N word" in it. I should have never left Gold's Gym."

“Annoyed When Corrected Guy”:  If you aren’t meeting the standard, don’t take it personal.  They are coaching cues, not insults about your wife getting a train run on her or that you’d get pregnant in prison.  It’s just that your form looks like the last shit I took.  So fix it.

I wish Bobby Knight had his level 1 cert.

“Cherry-Picking WOD Guy”:  Can’t figure out why you aren’t making progress?  It’s because you only show up for the shit you’re good at.  “Cherry-Picking WOD Guy” posts respectable times when he strategically makes an appearance, but doesn’t understand why he gets his face fucked off in competition.  Thanks for playing, bub!

"I choo choo choose only bodyweight WODs!"

“Can’t Remember Shit Client”:  (Courtesy of Drywall from forgingelitesarcasm.com.  He doesn’t care if I name him, because: like me, he doesn’t give a fuck what you think.)  Whether it’s something as simple as how much the different bars weigh to something more important like YOUR OWN FUCKING PRs, there is always that client who wants to ask, “So a Tabata is 8 rounds… or 8 minutes?”  It’s because of you n00bs the coach has to waste 10 minutes of the class answering your stupid questions.  Guess what?  Your coach cares about your progression, but they do have lives and don’t have time to memorize your fucking Snatch Balance 3rm.  How about buying a notebook and writing shit down?  You can title it this:

For all your shitty PRs

Thanks to all of the coaches who put in on this.  Dear coaches – you’re welcome.  Clients – harden the fuck up and listen to your coaches.  You paid them to train you, not placate you.

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  1. #1 by Nick on October 5, 2011 - 10:50 AM

    Dude this is def one of your best posts, I get annoyed with all of these types of people, I don’t know how our coach doesn’t choke some people the fuck out!! Sometimes the stupidity and dumb shit people say makes me so mad it helps me go apeshit on the WOD! Great Blog!

    • #2 by EPIC on October 5, 2011 - 12:11 PM

      Coaches have to be nice guys and gals because they need their business to thrive. I don’t blame them. I have the luxury of not having to spoon-feed those fucking losers. I’m glad to call them all out in defense of the coaches who have to deal with that shit.

  2. #3 by Bobby on October 5, 2011 - 11:12 AM

    This is so awesome beyond words. And people say curse words aren’t necessary, but I think they get the point across better haha. This is awesome and so true. I’m a trainer as a strength and conditioning coach at a gym (one day I’ll own my own crossfit gym), but if I have a client who acts like that and doesn’t want to be there. I sit them down and just tell them, listen, you’re wasting your money and my time. I don’t do this for the money so you’re wasting my time and if you don’t want to be here and work hard, go hire one of those globo gym guys who will stick you on a curl machine while they watch the ass of the girl on the treadmill.

    • #4 by EPIC on October 5, 2011 - 12:13 PM

      Damn right. Train hard or you are a waste of space. Our entire culture needs a big dose of ‘harden the fuck up’.

      • #5 by Hot_Mess on October 5, 2011 - 9:43 PM

        Yes.. they do… not to name any specifics but really mountain climbers aren’t allowed anymore at PT? WTF? Burpees are high risk?

        High risk for being a pussy….

  3. #6 by Polo Lopez on October 5, 2011 - 12:10 PM

    Thank you, thank you , thank you. It needed to be said and finally it has. What we have to tolerate sometimes far outweighs the gain but we are committed so we move forward. There are far too many douchebags in CrossFit now. Hopefully one day they will wise up, shut up, and just do work.

    • #7 by EPIC on October 5, 2011 - 12:15 PM

      Douchbaggery is on the rise, in response to increased exposure of CrossFit. It will get worse before it gets better. I think Polo just inspired my next post…

      • #8 by Justin Pearl on October 5, 2011 - 1:01 PM

        Whether it’s a fitness program or something completely different, exposure is usually a mixed blessing. More people getting involved with a great movement is a good thing, but the bigger it gets the more it will generally start to suck. Like your favorite underground rock/metal/whatever band who used to be awesome, until the whole world started listening to them and they started playing pop rock shit. Visibility is a double-edged sword; I guess time will tell which edge is sharper in this case.

        Great post though. Lately I’ve been the “only shows up 1-2x a week because of 11-hour workdays and not getting any sleep” guy, putting that shit to a stop.

  4. #9 by Adam Law on October 5, 2011 - 12:33 PM

    Amen. Thank you.

  5. #10 by WODCAST (@WODcast) on October 5, 2011 - 12:35 PM

    You are the man. That is all. 🙂 ^JB

  6. #11 by stefanie on October 5, 2011 - 1:08 PM

    This is probably one of the funniest things I have ever read. As a box owner and coach, I can relate to every last word. So funny and thanks for the chuckle!

  7. #12 by Anne (Annie) Berryhill on October 5, 2011 - 1:09 PM

    You named them, perfectly…as a female coach and garage gym owner, I get to be a bit more selective on who I train so I can avoid some of this. But I have done plenty of time training at CF boxes around all the kinds of people you described. It’s part of the job to take people from where their sorry asses are to where CF can take them. Sometimes the brain is slow to follow…we either get them there, or get them gone!

  8. #13 by Coach G on October 5, 2011 - 1:18 PM

    Truer words and all that.

    G

    • #14 by EPIC on October 5, 2011 - 1:38 PM

      I miss Knoxville and your gym. Coming for a visit in the Spring. Tell the lads I said, ‘sup’.

  9. #15 by Dustin Kreidler on October 5, 2011 - 1:32 PM

    Just a client, but one who tries NOT to be any of those people, and lucky enough not to have too many at the gym. AWESOME post, however. These people are out there, and they are breeding… quickly. The more ESPN uses the term “fitness craze,” the more they will come out of the woodwork. Remember, like Paleo, this whole Crossfit thing is just a fad, right?

  10. #16 by Wendy on October 5, 2011 - 1:40 PM

    Best post ever! I love you for this!

  11. #17 by fern on October 5, 2011 - 1:45 PM

    Dude you are my hero. I agree with everything said. Just don’t confuse stupid people with the noobs. They are just that NEW, like we all were at one point. The standard is the standard. Enforce it and don’t worry about stupid people because unfortunately they are doomed to a life of liking windows!

    • #18 by EPIC on October 5, 2011 - 2:27 PM

      Good point about dummies vs. n00bs. I just like the term n00bs. I think dumbfucks maintain permanent n00b status until the figure out how to unfuck themselves (in some people’s case – never).

  12. #19 by EPIC on October 5, 2011 - 1:47 PM

    Digging these comments so far. If anyone has an experience with a dipshit client or fellow gym member, go forth and destrominate… No shame in using a douchebag alias (like me).

  13. #20 by Drywall on October 5, 2011 - 2:51 PM

    “cuntmode” – Goddamn it. I haven’t pulled the trigger on dropping the C word yet, and now I’m a step behind in the profanity category.

    • #21 by Ashley Thompson Denton on October 5, 2011 - 3:05 PM

      it’s alright. you’ve still got till friday.

    • #22 by Timmy F on October 5, 2011 - 3:10 PM

      I think “cuntmode” is going to be a strong contribution to my vernacular. Fuckin awesome.

    • #23 by EPIC on October 5, 2011 - 3:16 PM

      I feel strongly about the “C” word. It’s the only non-racial (I don’t go that route) curse that can get a strong reaction in our jaded society. The word sounds dynamic. Hard ‘K’ sound followed by the whip-crack snap of a hard “T” at the end. It’s a verbal knockout that can’t be beat.

      • #24 by Drywall on October 5, 2011 - 4:18 PM

        I’ve been saying for years that ‘cunt’ is the new ‘fuck’.

  14. #25 by Ashley Thompson Denton on October 5, 2011 - 2:55 PM

    Love this. I once had a guy client who wouldn’t listen to me b/c I was a girl, and of course, he thought already knew *everything*. The owner of the gym saw what was going on, took over the class, and told me out loud to kick that guy’s ass in the WOD. It was the best thing that ever happened to him. From then one he had no problem listening to my direction.

  15. #27 by Jacki Barbieri on October 5, 2011 - 3:13 PM

    LOL! I just realized I’m the Can’t remember shit client….. I’ll be working on that

  16. #28 by Jason (New Zealand) on October 5, 2011 - 3:32 PM

    Great post Epic. Check out this youtube video. It was from a tv show that plays here. This guy should be a crossfit coach.

    • #29 by EPIC on October 5, 2011 - 3:54 PM

      Jason, I have seen that and fucking love it. I haven’t seen the full show, just the youtube links.

  17. #30 by Mike on October 5, 2011 - 3:39 PM

    Fucking perfect.

  18. #31 by Nathan Greaves on October 5, 2011 - 3:54 PM

    I hear THAT bro!
    I am unashamed to say that I let a client go not long ago for this very reason. they wouldnt harden the fuck up and they wouldnt shut the fuck up. I train people in a globo and it became very apparent, very quickly that people are pussies and love to bitch about stuff!
    Fuck that! You paid me to train you, now I want a round of Cindy everytime you even think about quitting!!

    • #32 by EPIC on October 5, 2011 - 3:56 PM

      Fuck yeah. Cindy rounds should be the CrossFit equivalent to your football coach making you run laps when you fucked up.

  19. #33 by Derek Fay on October 5, 2011 - 4:42 PM

    I’d like to add can we change the music guy, the strong/fit enough to go rx’d but chooses to go lighter to get the best time guy, and 10 minutes late everyday even though they live 5 minutes away guy

    • #34 by Dino on October 12, 2011 - 9:13 AM

      Right on! Have a few of these myself. We implemented the 30 burpee penalty for late offenders and had some integrity issues so we modified it to where the late person causes EVERYONE else in the class to do their burpees for them while they watch from the center of the circle a la Full Metal Jacket.

      Epic, Thank you sir!

  20. #35 by droszyk on October 5, 2011 - 7:53 PM

    Awesome post and hilarious as usual. Always a good read.

  21. #36 by volgawvCarol on October 5, 2011 - 7:58 PM

    Was Sean the only coach you interviewed??? Seriously, agree, funniest blog so far! Love the Lululemon comment…maybe guilty of that bad. So tonight during the Barbell class doing our OHS’s, Larissa and I decided we would go from “C” mode to beast mode! We are even thinking about getting some head bands made up with “C” mode on them but actually spell it out. We were wondering how freaked out any new members would be if we were sportin those! Great job Epic!! So now Sean has promised to not tell me to “man up” anymore but “harden the fuck up”!! 🙂

  22. #37 by Golf Buddy on October 5, 2011 - 8:11 PM

    This is all very true. Except the part about women who won’t always go heavier. Those women are intelligent. They have “street smarts” only the street is life and the smarts are common sense. Females who crossfit at the rx’d level are not that sexy. Go heavier, ladies! Who cares if female clothing no longer fits? Just wear elastic tops, which is analogous to roided up body builders wearing zubaz to literally everywhere they go.

    Everything else in here rings true, but not that. Would you like to know what? When girls get huge shoulders, it is unattractive. That is only one hemisphere that is affected by the type of workouts that girls do as rx’d. Also, if you think Camille is still hot after going all fembeast for the games this year, you are deluding yourself. You are probably experience cognitive dissonance, but you’re too tired from convincing yourself your constantly 3-1’ng girlfriend is still attractive.

    • #38 by sean on October 5, 2011 - 9:02 PM

      Thank you for spelling out what street smarts means. I’m five and never heard of that term. What kind of girls are you looking at that are shaped like spheres? Since that’s only the way you can have a hemisphere.

      Please feel free to go back to stroking it to copies of Ultrarunning magazine or Bulimia weekly.

      • #39 by Golf Buddy on October 5, 2011 - 9:27 PM

        You assume I’m male. I assume that’s because you’re the type of person who doesn’t bother to capitalize their name. A central facet of my point is that women self select into the this caste that many in our community hate. And Epic here was h8n, but he is a male so perhaps he aint understand. I think he and others haven’t caught on that the snake oil they’re selling to the lady folk isn’t actually curing their rheumatism, “so to speak”. Feel free to invite my children to your 6th birthday at Chuck E Paleo-I-Don’t-Eat-Cheese.

        But the hemisphere/sphere joke was pretty funny.

        But the hemisphere/sphere thing was pretty funny.

        • #40 by EPIC on October 5, 2011 - 9:41 PM

          Big words mixed with grammar fuck ups is for jail college. You been in the joint?
          But the hemisphere/sphere joke was only funny in your head.
          But the hemisphere/sphere thing was only funny in your head.
          See how I typed such a pithy line twice like you? You inspired me, fatty. Thanks for stopping by!

          • #41 by Golf Buddy on October 5, 2011 - 9:53 PM

            You’re funny and genuine, which is cute. That is the opposite of Camille after she started training for the games, which was probably not by doing crossfit, which is ironic, which is what your blog is, only less edgily so than Drywall, which means you are more likely to get corporate backing once Crossfit goes all UFC. Enjoy your jail college dean girlfriend.

            • #42 by Timmy F on October 8, 2011 - 2:33 PM

              Oh wow. Dumb. You’re just really stupid. Like, shockingly so…

    • #43 by Jeanette on October 5, 2011 - 9:36 PM

      Words of someone who has to justify why he will never be able to pull a badass Rx’d crossfit chic and make it seem like it was his choice!!

    • #44 by cyn on October 6, 2011 - 7:22 AM

      Golf buddy… you have totally lost your mind. CF girls ARE HOT!!!! This reminds me of a comment my brother made once when looking at some pictures of some of the amazing CF girls in Hampton Roads.. something about how impressed he was with their low body fat, but thought that they were too “big”…I told him that his opinion didn’t count since he likes BOYS…
      Perhaps that is your problem as well???? hmmmm????

      Make no mistake… CF girls ARE hot. CF girls are strong… are confident.. are beautiful.. Im assuming that you are not hot… not strong.. not confident…

    • #45 by Twisted1 on October 6, 2011 - 12:32 PM

      Golf Buddy, it sounds like you have a problem with strong women, what isn’t sexy about a women lifting heavy weight? This is not the 1930’s, women can do anything a man can do (even stand while peeing), I don’t think a women not lifting the rx’d weight is street smart, I think it’s pussy shit, unless you have some medical reason or you haven’t worked up to that weight yet, then try, what’s wrong with trying and giving it your all and doing the best you can? Didn’t we all learn in kindergarten to always do the best we can? You sound like a real lazy person who is jealous of fit women, which is stupid, get your fat ass off the couch and quit hating on Crossfit and those who do Crossfit.

      And as for your stupid comments about “huge shoulders and female clothing no longer fitting the right way” that’s just stupid. Are you saying that if you work out, women’s clothes are not going to look good on you? B/c I can tell you, not working out is what makes women’s clothes not fit right, you have fat asses squeezing into something they know damn well they shouldn’t be wearing and you want to complain about a girl with muscles not fitting into their clothes properly, seriously, is there something wrong with your vision? And not every chick that lifts heavy weights is going to get “huge shoulders” if you don’t know what you’re talking about, you should keep your comments to yourself. It’s stupid people like you that make Crossfit and working out in general look bad.

      And also before you insult someone’s girlfriend maybe you should look in the mirror and see if you have any place to judge someone else. Grow up and for fuck sake take your lazy ass to the gym and lift some heavy weight and tell yourself you don’t feel good about what you just did. Not going to fuckin’ happen! Every person feels awesome after they just did something they never thought they could do.

      • #46 by Om1kron on October 6, 2011 - 7:14 PM

        I’m not an elite crossfitter by any means much less do I consider myself to have the title of a “cross fitter” because I still suck at many things, but let me go on record to say I could with no problem mouth fuck 80 percent of the female crossfit contenders without thinking twice, the other 20 percent are 5’10-7 feet tall so that would just be weird.

    • #47 by Ashley Thompson Denton on October 6, 2011 - 11:09 PM

      Golf Buddy, you’re obviously allowed to have your own opinion on what you consider to be attractive, but those comments aren’t going to get much support from this crowd. Perhaps you’re better off following a blog written about the Tracey Anderson Method.

  23. #48 by sean on October 5, 2011 - 8:56 PM

    No carol I wasn’t the only coach interviewed but I agree with all of them!

  24. #49 by elenarondininien on October 6, 2011 - 10:36 AM

    this post is legit!!! too true!!

    you rock man!

  25. #50 by doghousepetportraits on October 6, 2011 - 12:07 PM

    this post is awesome and hilarious. and true. i agree with all points made! and carol i will totally rock one of the c-mode headbands.

  26. #51 by loicbernard on October 6, 2011 - 1:09 PM

    speaking of dumbass clients, there’s a shit ton of dumbass comments in here(aka Sphere joke guy…wtf?). great post by the way, good shit!
    p.s. avid whatever and honestabe…get a room you two, there’s a lot of sexual tensions in the air.

    • #52 by EPIC on October 6, 2011 - 2:56 PM

      Yeah, bro – they’re coming out of the woodworks now. People need to relax and realize it’s just exercise talk on the internet. Not to be like CFHQ and censor comments, but I’ve pulled the above mentioned comment battle because one of the parties involved requested it. I can respect that.

  27. #53 by Keith M on October 6, 2011 - 1:22 PM

    This was fantastic
    I’ve dealt with two of these this past week. SMH!

  28. #54 by caseyjenks on October 6, 2011 - 1:58 PM

    Haha. As a gym owner can definitely appreciate this, but like to think I stay on top of keeping people from doing this kinda shit. Although my biggest pet peeve would be people that tie knots & loops and knots in my jump ropes!!

    • #55 by Dan Sturm on October 7, 2011 - 10:39 AM

      I’m with you Casey, I get tired of buying new ropes because the ones I have look like Ramen Fuk’in Noodles!!!

  29. #56 by Austin on October 7, 2011 - 1:11 AM

    Crossfit is stupid. Please put your bird chest back in your shirt while working out. your tiny little bodies offend me

  30. #57 by Austin on October 7, 2011 - 2:49 AM

    that being said, i do have to confess, i work out at cross fit gyms all the time. Cross fit gyms are the best place ever to meet chicks. The girls are smoking hot, and any guy working out in there is gay, so no one to cock block you.
    4 minutes ago · Like

  31. #58 by jason on October 7, 2011 - 4:09 AM

    Here he is, the ultimate Crossfit coach.

  32. #59 by Nate on October 7, 2011 - 9:30 AM

    God bless you all. Amazing blog post. LMAO!

  33. #60 by Andy G. on October 7, 2011 - 9:41 AM

    IN REGARDS TO THE POSTS MADE BY THE LESBIAN GOLFER…..

    THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FEMALES WHO CAN RX EVERYTHING AND WHO ARE TOP 10 AT THE GAMES. THE MOST ACCOMPLISHED FEMALE ATHLETES AT OUR BOX CAN THROW AROUND SOME SERIOUS WEIGHT AND THEY ALL LOOK FEMININE. THE GIRLS WHO ARE MAKING IT TO CARSON, CA. EVERY YEAR ARE COMBINING CROSSFIT WITH ADDITIONAL STRENGTH TRAINING TO GET TO THAT LEVEL. AND HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT MAYBE SOME OF THESE GIRLS WERE BUILT LIKE LUMBERJACKS PRIOR TO COMPETING IN CROSSFIT. DO YOU THINK KRISTIN C. LOOKED LIKE LUCY LUI BEFORE SHE PICKED UP A BARBELL? THE AVERAGE DEDICATED FEMALE CROSSFITTER WHO EMBRACES ALL FACETS OF THE PROGRAM, NOT JUST LIFTING HEAVY, AND PAYS DETAILED ATTENTION TO THEIR NUTRITION IS NOT GOING TO GET MANLY….UNLIKE YOUR GOLF BUDDIES.

    …AND BEFORE YOU REPLY WITH A PYCHOANALYSIS BASED ON ME WRITING IN ALL CAPS I’LL DO IT FOR YOU. IM EGOTISTICAL, LOUD , OBNOXIOUS, FIND EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE MY SHIRT OFF, HAVE A NAPOLEANIC COMPLEX AND HAVE ZERO TOLERANCE FOR DOUCHE BAGS WHO THINK THEY ARE SMARTER THAN THEY REALLY ARE!

  34. #61 by Crystal K on October 7, 2011 - 12:12 PM

    You forgot one important category:

    “Riding the Express Train to Bankruptcy”-

    That would be the apparently multitudinous CF gym owners that took borrowed start-up capital and started a business not because they want it to succeed and provide for their family, but because they want a sadistic little kingdom in which they can hurl insults at people in lesser shape (and apparently because they want to over-use the “Fuck-_____” phrase and get goosebumps and giggle when they hear it come out of their mouths).

    Newsflash to the overgrown children that contributed to this article and somehow managed to open and keep open a CF gym this long, people who can afford to pay 200 a month to maintain their fitness are primarily people who work their asses off in their own careers and come into the gym with much pent-up stress. Working out is supposed to reduce stress, anger, and increase mental health, and in my world it does. It seems CF workouts are for masochists, and it seems CF “coaches” are the opposite of what fitness is supposed to achieve. You may be physically fit but mentally you are a ticking time bomb.

    I think I’ll take a pass on that CF membership, there are plenty of gyms in the Denver area that improve health and these don’t sound like the place to find that.

    • #62 by JB on October 8, 2011 - 11:59 PM

      Is this a case study for the “Easily offended girl?” I mean really this ruined your day? You’re forgetting that this is a post regarding dumbass clients not just clients in general and if you’re offended I’d venture a guess and say that you’re probably one of these clients. Dumbass clients annoy the other good clients who also pay and have stressful jobs etc. Really though if this got to you have fun at planet fatness.

  35. #63 by Austin on October 7, 2011 - 1:06 PM

    You forgot the “Socially Retarded Client Who Defines Himself With Lame T Shirt Logos and Uber-Douche Rubber Wristbands”

    This clown has a different cross fit shirt for every day of the week. Ironically, he refuses to wear it when he actually does cross fit. Affliction shirts are also wore, but usually saved for special occasions and evening wear. He chalks up before every lift, grunts or yells during every lift, and drops the weight after every lift, despite the fact that he isn’t lifting heavy weight.
    Being a full on social retard, this maladjusted person is only capable of conversation outside of the cross fit gym if the conversation is actually about cross fit. If the conversation deviates from it, he will quickly try to steer the conversation back to cross fit by talking about how cool he is for being an “elite athlete”. These special clients usually refer to anyone who does anything else for exercise as “noobs” or “cunts”, proving furthermore there lack of social dynamics.
    You can also usually recognize this client by his giant gym back that carries his 4 pair of cross fit required shoes, massive amounts of wrist tape, under armor clothes and various other accessories to accentuate his ever growing douche baggery.

    • #64 by Justin Pearl on October 7, 2011 - 2:15 PM

      Youtube “my new haircut” and you can see this guy in a video.

  36. #65 by Tina on October 7, 2011 - 1:31 PM

    You need a paragraph for the douchebags that never clean up after themselves!

    This is the best article I’ve read in a long while!

  37. #66 by Vincent oliver on October 7, 2011 - 1:39 PM

    I will have to admit, I was the weight vest guy in my beginning years of CrossFit. As a coach in my own box I only see the people that is mentioned above when a new member has a “YouTube CrossFit’r” cert. These are the garage gym wanna be’s who only know what they learn on you tube, then infect a couple of their neighbors with their bullshit technique. I say thank you! Now I get to break down this new guy back to day one in order to get a proper squat or snach.

  38. #67 by DoubleFlusher on October 7, 2011 - 6:53 PM

    I’m a client and can see myself as being like some of the folks you speak of. I not sure I’m as obnoxious as all that, however I have complained at times about the music. OK, maybe not a good thing to do. But in my defense, I work very hard at our box, and to be honest, I can’t stand the “mosh pit” music blaring at 1000 decibels. I just don’t get it. Inspiring – not! Motivational NOT! Well except if one is a 14 to 27 yr old alcoholic, world hating skin head of course. Other than that, in two words…IT SUCKS! Now, imagine me screaming that into a microphone in that devil worshiping, spit spewing wail so popular with the mosh pitters, it so last century even; and almost as fingers against the chalk board irritating as the “acoustic guitar playing emotionally available sensitive guy”.

    Too be honest, most of the time the mosh pit din doesn’t bother me. Or for that matter do I hear it, especially during a grueling WOD. Doesn’t mean I have to like it. Besides, who said that all CrossFitters have to like the same type of music? Coach Glassman? A little funk every now and then is not a bad thing. Enough of that.

    I love my coaches and have the utmost respect for what they do and have to offer. I also think I’m lucky to have cool fellow Crossfitters to train with. I used to train people myself at a globo gym, as well as privately, so I know the deal of trying to build one’s business. There isn’t any hands on treatment in globo gyms now, so I do appreciate the pain in the ass clients can be. However I also think it’s important for the coaches to expect one thing, and that is that clients respect each other. Therefore lay down rules right away: no talking during instruction. Inform everyone that there will be correction on form, if they don’t like it…fuck it. Don’t be afraid to tell the “Too Much Weight” guy he’s doing, well…too much wait. But say so only once, if they don’t take your advice and fuck themselves up, don’t be afraid to say “I told you so.” If the client doesn’t like it…fuck ’em. Those who do appreciate your approach will stay on. Ignore those whom think they know everything, and have something to prove, they will eventually come around or leave. Weed out the assholes, live a better life. Expect complaints. Everyone does it. In fact this blog is a big complaint. Albeit, heeeeelarious!

    • #68 by Anthony Bider on October 8, 2011 - 1:47 PM

      Before bootcamp and crossfit I was a Jason Mraz music loving hippy. Then I graduated and started training at CFVB.. #HardenTheFuckUp

  39. #69 by hana on October 7, 2011 - 8:44 PM

    What does “of”, mean! Do I need to put that weight on both sides? Which direction do I need to face during this WOD? I deal with idiots everyday, they are too stupid to bother insulting.

  40. #70 by Austin on October 8, 2011 - 2:58 AM

    Q: What is the hardest thing about doing cross fit?

  41. #71 by Austin on October 8, 2011 - 2:59 AM

    A: Telling your father your gay!

    • #72 by Timmy F on October 8, 2011 - 2:26 PM

      Ahhhhhhh! YOUR stupidity hurts. YOU’RE a dumbass.

      • #73 by EPIC on October 8, 2011 - 2:35 PM

        Yeah, the haters are here and I welcome them all. I’m all for mixing it up in comments, but I’m patiently waiting for one of them to bring some comedy. Shit’s been weak.

        • #74 by Austin on October 8, 2011 - 10:48 PM

          Come on, that joke was very funny. You guys gotta quit taking yourselves so seriously. I’m not a hater, i love you guys, if i didn’t, i wouldn’t waste my time reading this stuff.

          • #75 by EPIC on October 8, 2011 - 11:45 PM

            The joke was funny 10 years ago when it came out. Instead of CF, it was rollerblading. Although, next year at games, Castro may program rollerblading as one of the events. At which point, your usage of someone else’s material would become funny. Maybe you’re one step ahead of all of us…

  42. #76 by caseyjenks on October 8, 2011 - 8:15 AM

    How about the guy who stacks 6+ 10lb plates on each side instead of using bigger plates?

  43. #77 by Rob Powell on October 8, 2011 - 8:26 AM

    After thinking about what I could post, I have come to the conclusion of just saying: “THANK YOU very Fucking much! You hit it dead on without being wishy washy. It doesn’t matter where you are or what language one speaks , it’s the same situation in every country where a CF Box happens to be.

  44. #78 by Anthony Bider on October 8, 2011 - 1:50 PM

    EPIC. I”m pretty late reading this, however, that’s because I was busy training to defeat and #fuckterrorism.. That ashy larry comment.. Perfect. Couldn’t have asked for a better post of the most annoying clients.

  45. #79 by Eric on October 9, 2011 - 8:06 AM

    As a client, Its hard for me to accept someone as a coach if they have never been a high level athlete, won anything, or coached anyone who has. High school sports dont count.. Random people getting Level 1 certs, then calling themselves ‘Coaches’ is a problem with me. If you have never been remarkable in sport, or coached anyone who has, I immediately discount you and any purported skills you think you process. Any MIL/LEO coaches are totally exempt here. So if you are a random 25yo with a lev 1, lululemon part time job, you are ‘following your passion’ and are no where near the fastest Crossfitter in your gym(or coached anyone for that matter), dont expect me to listen to you or respect you.

  46. #80 by Keith M on October 12, 2011 - 4:32 PM

    The unfortunate part about this is that these are the people who are my “friends”. Great post.

  47. #81 by Justin on October 12, 2011 - 5:22 PM

    Exact;y what I needed! thanks!!

  48. #82 by xulab on October 13, 2011 - 10:28 AM

    EPIC. thanks for doing this, such a great laugh because it’s 100% true. my mind immediately targeted “that guy!” when i read each example. keep up the great work.

  49. #83 by Nikki Goldin on October 13, 2011 - 8:06 PM

    Dying….!!!!

  50. #84 by Brad on October 15, 2011 - 11:20 AM

    Wow. A lot of people with some seriously warped sense of self-importance. If a coach doesn’t want to take a client’s money, just tell them to find another coach. I find it all hypocritical.

    And though I am completely un-offended by the use of language like “fucking” and “dipshit”, the over-use just makes the entire rant seem juvenile.

    There’s a way to prevent CF from becoming something awful and all globo-gym-y, but that requires the coaches and groups to simply refuse to accept those who do not conform to the standards and expectations of the program. How do you think globo-gym got to a point where fitness didn’t matter, all that mattered was membership and fees? Because it wasn’t about improving people at all.

    When a coach complains about clients who don’t work hard, then what does he/she want to happen? How about the coach take ownership and have a frank conversation with the client, and part ways if necessary?

    To keep the culture of CF healthy, you have to recognize and remove the cancers early.

    Complaining online won’t do anything. Doing so in a snarky and R-rated way online may seem tough and everything, but it’s online, and somebody’s not having a difficult conversation with a client. To me, that would be a bit braver.

    • #85 by EPIC on October 15, 2011 - 1:17 PM

      I bet it felt good to get that off your chest, Brad. Being self-righteous and having no sense of humor makes you a perfect candidate for a job with CFHQ. Thanks for stopping by, even if you’re having trouble understanding the fun in sarcasm.

      • #86 by Brad on October 16, 2011 - 9:18 AM

        Is it sarcasm that you decide to name yourself “EPIC”?

        Is it sarcasm when you accuse me of being self-righteous, when the entire thread here is a shining example of pretentiousness?

        Because if so, then I think I’m starting to understand the shtick, and I approve.

        • #87 by EPIC on October 16, 2011 - 11:30 AM

          Boom. We agree to agree.

  51. #88 by K-man on October 19, 2011 - 9:44 AM

    Great Post! I would add one:

    The Guy or Gal who goes around the gym acting like they are a coach giving pointers and criticism on your form or lifts.

    I hate that guy, I tell new people all the time, do exactly as the coaches say and ignore anyone else.

  52. #89 by Brad on October 19, 2011 - 7:35 PM

    For an industry that on the outside seems to place respect as a foundation stone I am amazed how much disrespect so many of you trainers harbor for your clients.

    You do not deserve their money. Hopefully they will see that.

    It is a privilege for any business owner to have paying customers.

  53. #90 by miscreant on October 20, 2011 - 11:57 AM

    Dude! You forgot about the guy who cheats! There’s a guy in my box who literally does half ROM and refuses to listen (or at least only pretends to listen). Oh, yeah, and he also shorts reps. This dude posted an Angie time on our whiteboard that was beating Speal by a full minute and a half…then had the balls to say “I smoked you guys” when we trainers, and our clients alike, know he’s full of shit!

  54. #91 by Fighters Marketing on October 24, 2011 - 6:18 PM

    I think it goes both ways with the coaches too.

    1. The Player Coach: He pays attention and motivates the female athletes because well they are hot.
    2. The Yeller: This asshole wants to get in your face and yell at you with bad breathe. He thinks that this will help you fight through the pain. NO! It only wants to make me finish faster to not breath your sewer breath.

    Ha, Ha Great Post

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