My relationship with CrossFit coaches is similar to that of my old football coach in that: if they tell me to do something, I do it without question. That’s called respect and it’s easy for me because I have legit coaches. I wish HQ would issue whistles so coaches could blast ’em anytime someone acts like a fuckstick in the gym. Late to class? Whistle! Dropping an empty bar? Whistle! Running your suck about that new Lululemon outfit during the instruction portion of class? Triple whistle! “Run laps till I say stop, dipshit.”
This one’s for the real CrossFit coaches. The ones who know their shit. Those who’ve put in long hours helping clients get better well after the class is over. They are the ones who’ve rallied the community behind charity causes that raise fucktons of money after building their businesses knowing full well they weren’t going to get rich. Coaches who got way more pumped about a client getting their first muscleup than even that client did.
But this is Beastmodal Domains, where I uphold a standard of making fun of shit and so far I’ve done nothing but pass out handjobs. I’ll leave the corny, feel-good bullshit to SICFIT and get to work slaying the absurd. I asked coaches from Australia to Vegas to sound off about clients that annoy the fuck out of them. These people suffer in silence when one of us does or says something fucking stupid. They have to remain political. I do not. Coaches love what they do, but like every job – there is shit that pisses them off.
“Go Too Heavy Guy”: A male ego problem. Strong motherfuckers go heavy and maintain a good pace. Needledicks go heavy and take too fucking long. I call these guys Rip Van WODkilla. Doing it RX’d is a bad idea if you don’t have the stones to back it up. Sometimes, “Go too heavy guy” is actually strong but he scales up or adds a weighted vest as a copout in order to avoid getting smoked by better athletes who do it RX’d.
“Afraid of Weights Girl”: “If I do squats my legs will get too big. If I lift weights, I will look like a dude. I need to do more running/rowing”. It’s been proven what CrossFit can do for a woman’s physique. Any chick who doesn’t want to look like Camille is a moron on the fast-track to cankles and a muffin-top.
“Chalk Everything Guy”: If we were in the Arctic Circle, he would be invisible. Does he realize too much chalk increases friction and results in more frequent tears? No, he’s too busy sliming his chalky-sweat icing all over the GHD making it look like a fucking glazed donut. Thanks a lot, Ashy Larry.
“I’ll Pay You Next Week Client”: Just because they run “Barbells for Boobs” doesn’t mean they do charity for YOUR broke ass. That shit didn’t fly at the Globo Gym, why do you think CrossFit is any different? Oh, because the owners are cool and you have some laughs with them, you think it’s okay to be casual with your dues? Fork over the cash, moneygrip. These types are the oppposite of “Pay and Never Show Up Clients” a.k.a the “January 1st fatty” crowd. Those losers are hardly worth mentioning, although they are the reason your box got new C2 rowers last March.
The below link is NSFW so turn down the sound, cubicle dwellers.
“Macho Man”: Besides the fact that you regularly creep out the girls in the box, you think you are too manly to take direction from a female coach while your power cleans still look like reverse curls. Great coaching has nothing to do with gender but everything to do with a person who knows their shit. If you think going Beastmode is reserved only for bros, you should compete against a legit female athlete. We’ll all have a chuckle when she bends you over and calls you her bitch.
“Easliy Offended Girl”. She won’t be reading this, because she’s too busy trying to find someone to pay attention to her foul bitching and moaning. She whines about: the heat/cold, the music, the language, people’s clothing (or lack of), coaching styles, the parking situation, awesome website posts. She’s only capable of flipping the switch to go cuntmode. “Wahhhhh.” Go work out at “Curves” or shut the fuck up, bitch.
“Annoyed When Corrected Guy”: If you aren’t meeting the standard, don’t take it personal. They are coaching cues, not insults about your wife getting a train run on her or that you’d get pregnant in prison. It’s just that your form looks like the last shit I took. So fix it.
“Cherry-Picking WOD Guy”: Can’t figure out why you aren’t making progress? It’s because you only show up for the shit you’re good at. “Cherry-Picking WOD Guy” posts respectable times when he strategically makes an appearance, but doesn’t understand why he gets his face fucked off in competition. Thanks for playing, bub!
“Can’t Remember Shit Client”: (Courtesy of Drywall from forgingelitesarcasm.com. He doesn’t care if I name him, because: like me, he doesn’t give a fuck what you think.) Whether it’s something as simple as how much the different bars weigh to something more important like YOUR OWN FUCKING PRs, there is always that client who wants to ask, “So a Tabata is 8 rounds… or 8 minutes?” It’s because of you n00bs the coach has to waste 10 minutes of the class answering your stupid questions. Guess what? Your coach cares about your progression, but they do have lives and don’t have time to memorize your fucking Snatch Balance 3rm. How about buying a notebook and writing shit down? You can title it this:
Thanks to all of the coaches who put in on this. Dear coaches – you’re welcome. Clients – harden the fuck up and listen to your coaches. You paid them to train you, not placate you.