Archive for August, 2011

CrossFit Shirts No One Will Ever Wear

I’m not going to focus on making fun of existing CrossFit shirts because they pretty much get the job done on their own.  Here’s an example of a shirt which contradicts itself by proclaiming mediocrity and then boasting eliteness:

I get it.  CrossFitters are well-rounded.  But let’s not brag about doing things better than those who don’t do the things we are bragging about.  Did you know I’m better than your grandfather at bladder control?  I am also better than the homeless at being comfortable.  Who fucking cares?  Thanks to Rafy Cabrera for the pic. 

Making fun of existing CrossFit shirts has been mastered by Drywall, so I’ll attempt something else.  I’ve stripped away the self-aggrandizing snobbery and double entendres in exchange for something unfamiliar:  honesty.   

Aw, man- keep doing sumo-deadlift highpulls and eating bacon.  You’ll be ripped in no time.

Suckas at parties who don’t do CrossFit are easy victims for your fitness pontificating.  ‘Specially the chubby ones.

Maybe you can afford it, but gray, boring and expensive should be left to Lululemon.  Where are the Goddamned INFIDEL shirts we loved so much?

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Essential Mobility While Watching The Jersey Shore

Back in April, introduced an initiative called “Kill Your TV”.  They urged readers to “unplug from the pseudo-reality that is your television screen, take back those hours mindlessly devoted to spectatorship, and become a participant in your own life.”  What the cock is that shit?

I'm with you on that, Google.

I think I saw “Kill Your TV” on a t-shirt worn by this goth broad in my high school.  Instead of watching television she pretty much just did coke and gave blow jobs to angst-ridden, skeevy dudes.  I guess those are more productive activities.  I have no problem watching a lot of television because it’s fucking awesome.  I stay more elite than the fatties by getting off the couch and working mobility and myofascia release.

I work my mobility issues, get busy with the foam roller and lacrosse ball all during the span of an episode of Jersey Shore.  I’m not ashamed to admit I watch because my reason for doing so is solid: by tuning in to the Jersey Shore, I immediately convert my television into a retard aquarium.  I love watching those dickheads kill their brain cells and mate with other dickheads.  Regardless of what’s on, this post will give you a protocol to improve your mobility while you relax at home.

Fucking idiot.

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Skills vs. Functional Movements: A Beastmodal Guest Post

Beastmodal Domains is proud to present a guest post by Tim “Brad ‘Tim Francis’ Pitt” Francis.  While the opinions presented in this post are not from my brain, I agree with all of it.  All I did was add the stupid pics and captions.  Commence pot-stirring now.


We’ve all been there before.  You open up your web browser, navigate over to, and check the WOD with some level of anticipation, hoping for another great workout.  After quickly scanning the WOD, you shake your head in dismay and think, “What kind of butt fucking CrossFit sorcery is this?”  That’s right, they programmed the mother fucking handstand walk again.  Somewhere a Gymnastics WOD’er is servicing his raging boner, and somewhere else I’m contemplating nailing my scrotum to my chair.  Fuck.

One of the things (including passive-aggressive behavior) at which women are better than men.


CrossFit is built on the three focus areas of intensity, variation, and functionality.  I’m going to focus on functionality.  There is a rash of stupid shit that pollutes the generally functional exercises of CrossFit, but handstand walks are probably at the pinnacle of Stupid Shit Mountain.  Look no further than Event “Skills 1” of the WSOE for an unabashed spectacle of stupid shit. 

Here’s a rhetorical question, “Should a reasonable test of the fittest person alive include a softball throw?”  I lied.  That’s not a rhetorical question.  Fuck no.  Also, can anyone tell me where “skills” fit into intensity, variation, and functionality?  “Nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills…”  It’s funny in Napoleon Dynamite because it’s stupid.


Slightly more functional than double unders.

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Hand Maintenance: It’s Not Just For the Ladies.

Awww fuck.  12 rounds into Cindy and you feel your hands start to give.  By round 15 you know you’re going to be a bloody mess.  Fucking flappers.  Blisters.  Vesicles.  Palmvaginas.  Whatever you want to call ’em.  When you get ’em you gotta take the obligatory post-WOD bloody hand picture and update your facebook.  Actually, that’s dumb.  Tearing your hands during a workout isn’t really all that badass.  You can get the same effect from shoveling dirt.  Shoveling dirt isn’t cool unless you were digging a grave to bury a dead hooker.  That’s a pic I wouldn’t make fun of.  It’s kind of fucking illegal though (except in Nevada).

In CrossFit rips are going to happen from time to time.  In a competition, there is a certain acceptance for the inevitable because you are too busy destrominating fellow competitors with no time to worry about your budding career as a hand model.  But during everyday training, avoid it (within reason).  I’ve had times where I’ve ripped so bad it’s affected my performance in the following days.  As time goes on, you’ll rip less.  Until then, get smarter about how to perform preventative maintenance on your hands to mitigate tears.

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“On thy grave the rain shall fall from the eyes of a mighty nation”

No pithy social commentary is needed to persuade you to contribute to the families who were affected by the recent tragedy.

On September 3, 2011 CrossFit affiliates will come together in respect of these great men and honor them though a Hero WOD.  All proceeds will go to the Navy Seal Foundation.  Contact your local affiliate for details regarding participation. 

For more information on how you can contribute, please go to or contact  Direct contributions can be made to

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Intensity in CrossFit: Should You Do It RX’d?

Drew Kastelic - CrossFit Unrivaled

You RX’d that WOD?  BEASTMO… wait.  Should you have even done it as prescribed?  Back the fuck up.  CrossFit is intensity and intensity is relative to our individual physical abilities.  I saw you snail through “DT” and you had no business doing push jerks with 155 pounds on the goddamned bar.  That’s why you started the WOD clean shaven and yelled, “DONE!” with a full beard.  Congrats on writing RX’d on the whiteboard, but no one saw it because you’re the only one left in the gym, Rip Van Wodkilla.

Ye Olde Whiteboard sayeth- "Amanda": Rip Van Wodkilla - 520 fortnights RX'd

Intensity is probably the most recognizable of CrossFit’s charter which includes mechanics and consistancy.  Since intensity is relative to what you are capable of, don’t get ahead of yourself and try to do something that is going to slow you down to the point of not bringing the fucking lumbuh.  According to Pat Sherwood in the CrossFit Journal:

Intensity, as we define it, is exactly equal to average power (force x distance / time). In other words, how much real work did you do and in what time period? The greater the average power, the greater the intensity. This makes it a measurable fact, not a debatable opinion. Intensity and average power are the variable most commonly associated with optimizing favorable results. Whatever you want from exercise comes faster with intensity. It’s not volume or duration or heart rate or even discomfort. Do more work in less time (without overdoing it), and you’ll get fitter faster.

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Get Skronger Den a Muh: Volume II (Hormones)

Fittest Man on Earth, 2011 - Rich Froning Jr.

I do steriods.  I don’t have back zits and my balls haven’t shrunk.  Neither orally administered nor injected, my body produces them naturally and they are fucking awesome.  I am awesome.  I don’t have roid rage except when I want to punch my wife’s cat.  I restrain this urge and he lives another day to stare at me with that smug look on his face.  Prick.

Cats are for people who like boxes of shit in their house.

I addressed the importance of strength and suggested readers embark upon a strength bias (if strength is one of their weaknesses) in Volume I of the strength series.  While some debate the necessity of supplemental strength work, CrossFit alone will elicit a beneficial hormonal response.  Think of it as a fitness induced hormone therapy program.  

No matter how you incorporate strength (biased or through regular programming), there are huge benefits with regards to your body’s production and/or regulation of hormones.  Besides increased testosterone, the hormonal responses affect cortisol, growth hormone, lactate, insulin-like growth factor (IGF)-I.  You can read about those other hormones here.

It's not a sweater vest.

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