Advice For New CrossFit Affiliate Owners

You spent an entire weekend becoming a marginally capable yet highly certified CrossFit Level 1 trainer.  You wrote an essay about what CrossFit means to you (lulz).  And you ponied up the $3,000 annual fee to carry the brand.  You’re fucking in there.  Hell, HQ even gave you the thumbs up on your shitty (3rd choice) affiliate name.

Don’t feel bad about your affiliate name.  All the good ones were taken by 2009.  At this point, people have been fighting over scraps.  In some cases, variations of scraps:

Now it’s time to get some clients.  Since you’re the 12th affiliate to pop up in your area since Reebok took over, you’re going to need to steal some clients from Prebok affiliates.  The best way to do this is undercut everyone else’s monthly rates.  If other affiliates bitch and try to reveal the fact that you’re clueless as a trainer, fuck ’em.  Your clients are safer by you not programming sumo deadlift high pulls (because you haven’t learned how to do them yet).  Besides, you didn’t want to be invited to that other affiliate’s paleo prom anyway.

Dealing with clients is your own problem, so don’t ask me for help there.  Although, I did write a post about dumbass clients that should be required reading for your members.  Most of them won’t be as difficult to deal with as the examples in that post.  In many cases, your clients will help by becoming your best source of advertising.  Social media will allow them to exalt your business by waxing eloquent about something seemingly simple.  Here’s some broad going overboard about a fucking power clean:

That vomit in your mouth is the flavor of success!  Melodrama on social media is the new scrapbooking and a CrossFit affiliate is the perfect place for modern women to reinforce their crippling codependence.  Training that type of client can be rewarding, but unless you have female coaches on staff, you may find it tricky to manage their passion and intensity.

Ultimately, the most challenging aspect of owning a CrossFit affiliate will be navigating your relationship with CrossFit Headquarters.  Hopefully you’ve learned from the mistakes of others.  That lesson is simply based around your ability to bite your tongue and mindlessly conform.  To stay in good standings with HQ and even get some mainsite love or CF media coverage, you must never mention ZORG.  While ZORG does not refer to the villian from The Fifth Element, HQ views it as a threat of equal danger.

If you don’t know why you aren’t allowed to mention those four things, you’re a fucking n00b (duh).  It’s not your fault since you’ve only recently been taught how to do a med ball clean.  I’ll help: Zone sucks, OPT, Robb Wolf & Greg Everett.

On the topic of biting your tongue, you’ll often find yourself wondering, “What the fuck was HQ thinking?  Couldn’t they just post their lame mainsite WODs and let the affiliates (and Reebok) continue gaining success for the community?  It’s a simple and profitable situation for them.  Why would they do things that might jeopardize us?”  Keep wondering.  Just don’t speak up.

Many affiliate owners were shocked by the tasteless and disrespectful marketing campaign for the CrossFit For Hope fundraiser to benefit St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital.  I didn’t feel like getting into that fucking mess.  Also, The Naked CrossFitter pretty much dominated that topic in proper fashion.  While HQ made pathetic attempts to convince everyone on Facebook that they had done the right thing by showing us “reality”, someone made a point that rendered all arguments useless:

Enough fucking logic, let’s get back to dealing with HQ.  When you want to know why HQ does crazy shit, just assume they’re trolling.  Trolling is the shit.  When you’re in the mood to fuck with people on the internet, there is no better fun.  As CrossFit’s growth has been largely based upon the internet, it seems HQ’s quirks are just an organized effort to troll you, the affiliate owner.  It’s all a joke, right?  It must be and after the sick kids poster, that’s how I get to sleep at night (considering I’m still doing CrossFit).  If you don’t think they’re trolling, take a closer look at one specific guy in HQ who even looks like the commonly used ‘Troll Face.’

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Afterword

While writing this, I was looking up terrible affiliate names to include in that 1st image.  Though it really didn’t fit into the general theme of the post, I felt one affiliate in particular needed some additional attention.  The below screen capture is completely real and you can see for yourself at http://www.crossfitdental.com/

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  1. #1 by CS on June 6, 2012 - 10:17 AM

    Dear. Fucking. Lord. Those are all real affiliate names? Jeezus, CrossFit CockPunch would be more believable…

    • #2 by Neil on June 6, 2012 - 10:55 AM

      God damn it. I wish I had thought of CrossFit CockPunch.

  2. #3 by Roby on June 6, 2012 - 10:35 AM

    ZORG – what about Rippletits and Twight?

    • #4 by Stephanie Whiting on June 6, 2012 - 10:51 AM

      I was wondering how those got left out too… Gotta love the unashamed Journal article bashing Twight though, lol.

    • #5 by EPIC on June 6, 2012 - 10:58 AM

      Honorable mentions, but didn’t fit with the acronym.

      • #6 by James Barton on July 11, 2012 - 4:54 PM

        Surely you can add Rip and make ROGRZ?

  3. #7 by sam on June 6, 2012 - 10:35 AM

    Lol! I’m just gonna hide in my garage gym while all these affiliates kill themselves and implode like the nazi dudes head on raiders of the lost ark…..

  4. #8 by Patrick on June 6, 2012 - 10:36 AM

    Crossfit Urology located in BAWSTAHN, “Forging WICKED PISSAHS”

  5. #9 by Krystle on June 6, 2012 - 10:47 AM

    lol…we couldnt bring it to ourselves to put up the Crossfit for Hope poster…but do have it stashed for when we need a good eyeroll or laugh

  6. #10 by Kristen R on June 6, 2012 - 10:47 AM

    The screen capture is unbelievable. Once again, this blog made my day. Zorg is the shit!

  7. #11 by Goat on June 6, 2012 - 10:51 AM

    Damnit, I was gonna name my CrossFit CockPunch. I guess all the best ones ARE taken.

    • #12 by WTF on June 13, 2012 - 12:48 AM

      What about CrossFit CuntPunch? That was too easy. But aww..I guess now that one’s gone too..I said it first. It’s mine.

  8. #13 by Griff on June 6, 2012 - 10:58 AM

    Beastmode Crossfit is the sole survivor. Hasn’t been taken (from what I can tell).

    • #14 by EPIC on June 6, 2012 - 11:21 AM

      Beastmode CrossFit is probably in their off-limits file along with CrossFit ZORG.

  9. #15 by fern on June 6, 2012 - 11:07 AM

    first time out of the kitchen!!! hahahaha i just spit coffe on my computer screen hahahaha. and yes we got our third choice for our affiliate name…. luckily my three weeks of browsing through webster paid off. is crossfit queef taken??

    • #16 by WTF on June 13, 2012 - 12:51 AM

      Nice one…that box can go right next to mine. CrossFit CuntPunch.

    • #17 by Coffee on June 16, 2012 - 1:35 PM

      Crossfit Coffee

  10. #18 by Justin Pearl on June 6, 2012 - 11:08 AM

    Best part about Crossfit Dental is that the site is copyrighted 2008.

    • #19 by Occam's Chainsaw on June 6, 2012 - 12:24 PM

      And it’s in the UK! HA, no wonder those limey bastards have such terrible teeth.

  11. #20 by cuntpunch on June 6, 2012 - 11:17 AM

    “y’all” is a play on the city of Florence – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Florence_Y'all_Water_Tower.

    I am almost sure that crossfit dental was started by Vermin Supreme

  12. #21 by Jason on June 6, 2012 - 11:30 AM

    Haaaaa, I ran an affiliate for about a year and a half. The only contact I ever had from hq was Kathy glass man call me to ask why I was mad at hq on Facebook. I then told her that the community is nothing I want to be. Part of, I quit… I was then told my affiliate was terminated for violation of insurance shit crap… Crossfit rrg insurance lol. What a fucking hump dump of dog shit everyone there is. I now use my 1000 year to buy alcohol and equipment. These 2 items serve a purpose, affiliate dues do not. Especially at 3g a year… I am relaunching crossfit gynocology next door to CF dental by the way

  13. #22 by Colin Pistell on June 6, 2012 - 11:33 AM

    Epic, you have once again made my day.

  14. #23 by Johnny Utah on June 6, 2012 - 11:36 AM

    For those who would like the total timeline of the Crossfit Apocalypse…..read below.

    http://joshsgarage.typepad.com/Crossfit_White_Papers_–_Timeline.html

  15. #24 by Lindsey on June 6, 2012 - 11:42 AM

    Apparently my teeth need to lift more weights and breathe fire. I must have missed that.

  16. #25 by ShakeNBake on June 6, 2012 - 11:44 AM

    That tooth power snatches like an absolute savage. He can come work out with me any time when I open up Crossfit Hatefuck.

  17. #26 by Occam's Chainsaw on June 6, 2012 - 12:14 PM

    Emancipation Crossfit = ain’t gonna keep the white man down no mo?

    WTF

    • #27 by WTF on June 13, 2012 - 2:09 PM

      O…like that one too..that box can be close to mine (not too close, may have to cock punch you), called CrossFit CuntPunch..and right next to CrossFit Queef.

      • #28 by WTF on June 13, 2012 - 2:15 PM

        IDK how this reply ended up as a reply to Emancipation CrossFit…it belongs down by the suggestion for CrossFit Cunt Punt.

    • #29 by WTF on June 13, 2012 - 2:18 PM

      Really? What about CrossFit Reparation. Cuz da white man haz kempt the black man down for way too long.

  18. #30 by ATG on June 6, 2012 - 12:31 PM

    this is the best thing I have read in a month

  19. #31 by EV on June 6, 2012 - 1:24 PM

    Emancipation Crossfit?? Really? With a white dude in chains no less. Unfucking believable!

  20. #32 by Kevin on June 6, 2012 - 2:30 PM

    CrossFit Cock Punch just got affiliated. I’m opening CrossFit OBGYN tomorrow.

  21. #33 by Ron Murray on June 6, 2012 - 2:49 PM

    How ‘CrossFit Dumbo’ failed to make the collage bemuses me. Though, I guess there is only so much time in ones day to assemble such illustrations.

    • #34 by SenNYC on June 6, 2012 - 4:32 PM

      “DUMBO” is an acronym for Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass. It’s a beautiful neighborhood in Brooklyn, NYC.
      Crossfit Dumbo happens to be in Dumbo… 🙂

      • #35 by Ron Murray on June 6, 2012 - 5:07 PM

        Well, this I can live with a little more now. Now someone find me an acronym for Mousetrap.

        • #36 by Joe on June 6, 2012 - 9:33 PM

          Hi Ron,

          MouseTrap is located across from Disney in LBV. The name was geared towards attracting their employees, guests, and area locals.

  22. #37 by Dr. Barry Hungwell on June 6, 2012 - 3:34 PM

    CrossFit CropDuster is affiliated and teaches noobs the proper technique on droppin’ bombs in the grocery store and fogging up the ice cream aisle so fatty has to rascal through the stench to get to the Blue Belle.

    Run on sentence that biotch.

  23. #38 by Custom Sock Source (@CustomSock) on June 6, 2012 - 3:47 PM

    Haha so awesome I’m reblogging this nonsense

  24. #39 by Robb Wolf (@robbwolf) on June 6, 2012 - 3:50 PM

    I just peed in my britches a little. Possibly your best work.

    Hail ZORG!

  25. #40 by JTSays on June 6, 2012 - 4:06 PM

    Last I checked, forgetting to floss was not on this list…
    http://www.tiptoptens.com/2011/01/12/top-10-leading-causes-of-death-in-the-world-2010-2011/

  26. #41 by SPare on June 6, 2012 - 4:36 PM

    C’mon, there are some great unused names still left just by incorporating your town name. There’s a great Saskatchewan affiliate just waiting to be called CrossFit Climax, and then there’s the Newfoundland affiliate CrossFit Dildo.

    Just have to have a more interesting hometown!

  27. #42 by Phil on June 6, 2012 - 5:22 PM

    This made my day!!

  28. #43 by Christina on June 6, 2012 - 5:29 PM

    LOL. Crossfit Climax. It would be sooo funny if it were all girls! 🙂

  29. #44 by Aimee on June 6, 2012 - 5:43 PM

    Best blog post yet. Amaze.

    • #45 by EPIC on June 7, 2012 - 9:33 AM

      Glad you likie. Now, can you and Greg recruit me for your weightlifting team? I have respectable 1rms for a women in the 48 kg division. Would it be a problem that I’m a male in the 69 kg division?

  30. #46 by Robb Wolf (@robbwolf) on June 6, 2012 - 7:50 PM

    Epic-
    Let’s do a ZORG T. I’ll buy the first run, all proceeds go to Wounded Warrior.

    • #47 by EPIC on June 7, 2012 - 9:16 AM

      Let’s fucking do this. Send me an email.

      • #48 by Robb Wolf (@robbwolf) on June 7, 2012 - 11:49 AM

        On it. Oh, one of my associates had a great idea. As worthy as Wounded Warrior is, this should be a competition to see if we can raise more money than CF HQ for St. Judes. IT”S ON!!!

        • #49 by EPIC on June 7, 2012 - 12:46 PM

          FUCK YEAH.

          • #50 by Danny on June 7, 2012 - 5:36 PM

            I’m in. hope you take bulk orders!!

  31. #51 by t on June 6, 2012 - 8:16 PM

    Is Rx star hosting the crossFit prom..

  32. #52 by Crossfit isgay on June 6, 2012 - 8:22 PM

    Dude, you have a degree in pushups, who are you to bust anybody elses balls

  33. #53 by Deveren Fogle on June 6, 2012 - 9:19 PM

    I absolutely love this! I feel a new revolution coming on. Trainers who know what the they’re talking about, taking back an industry!!

  34. #54 by freddy camacho on June 6, 2012 - 9:39 PM

    ZORG!!!!!!!! Funniest post EVER!

    • #55 by EPIC on June 7, 2012 - 9:15 AM

      Easy, Freddy. Your public approval of my material might get you on the outs with HQ. Are you prepared to change your business name to ZorgFit OneWorld?

      • #56 by Freddy Camacho on June 19, 2012 - 1:17 PM

        I was actually at the Black Box Summit, so I am already ZorgFit Level I certified……..

  35. #57 by Engine#9 on June 7, 2012 - 9:52 AM

    A ZORG T, brilliant idea! I want one!

  36. #58 by Eric Friday on June 7, 2012 - 11:02 AM

    mmm, dancing with thick necked ladies, its like the soccer team and the softball team got together for a varsity dance, except no one plays(ed) sports.

  37. #59 by Eric Friday on June 7, 2012 - 11:05 AM

    the same affiliate owners who thought the crossfit for hope poster was cool are the same ones who had a life altering epiphany after watching Fight Club

    • #60 by Rick James on June 14, 2012 - 4:01 PM

      +1

  38. #61 by roby on June 7, 2012 - 2:00 PM

    I just watched a tooth perform fran in under two minutes with 170kg on the bar, with Glassman giving his approval. World fucking record.

  39. #62 by AMS23 on June 7, 2012 - 6:41 PM

    Robb Wolf is BAD ASS

  40. #63 by Fum Baz on June 7, 2012 - 11:42 PM

    Crossfit Cunt Punt.

  41. #64 by wodnomadic on June 8, 2012 - 3:27 PM

    Reblogged this on WOD Nomadic and commented:
    I love this article – falls in line with WOD Nomadic.

  42. #65 by wodnomadic on June 8, 2012 - 3:29 PM

    Great stuff. First time reading your content.

  43. #66 by Cameron on June 9, 2012 - 10:57 AM

    “I’m not an owner or a coach.  I’m just an asshole client who takes training really fucking serious.”

    You’re right….And there goes any credibility you have regarding opening, operating, or even naming an affiliate. STFU and go pick up something heavy!

  44. #67 by DW on June 9, 2012 - 1:15 PM

    You shouldn’t make fun of affiliate names because of the issues with HQ. Those names mean something to those individuals. Not everyone can just throw in the area code into their name.

  45. #68 by B on June 9, 2012 - 6:45 PM

    You’re going to be all butt hurt when some Rx Star bitch opens CrossFit Destromination.

  46. #69 by Da Truff on June 10, 2012 - 11:05 PM

    Aaaah, Cameron and DW’s itty bitty feelings are hurt. Stop being mean!

  47. #70 by Casey Jenks on June 12, 2012 - 11:25 AM

    Go ahead and add on another shitty affiliate name to the list, SUBU crossfit, which apparently means ”Show Up and Blow Up” CrossFit. WHO THINKS UP THIS SHIT?

  48. #71 by seth on June 13, 2012 - 11:27 AM

    When can we buy the ‘drankin’ bear shirt in your picture or is that one of the overpriced shitty shirts already on your shopping page and I’m to stupid to find it? I like the red logo/bar because it brings out my eyes and will attract more crossluts

    • #72 by EPIC on June 13, 2012 - 11:49 AM

      That shirt is only available through Roanoke Valley CrossFit. Contact them.

  49. #73 by Chet B. on July 11, 2012 - 7:42 AM

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