You spent an entire weekend becoming a marginally capable yet highly certified CrossFit Level 1 trainer. You wrote an essay about what CrossFit means to you (lulz). And you ponied up the $3,000 annual fee to carry the brand. You’re fucking in there. Hell, HQ even gave you the thumbs up on your shitty (3rd choice) affiliate name.
Don’t feel bad about your affiliate name. All the good ones were taken by 2009. At this point, people have been fighting over scraps. In some cases, variations of scraps:
Now it’s time to get some clients. Since you’re the 12th affiliate to pop up in your area since Reebok took over, you’re going to need to steal some clients from Prebok affiliates. The best way to do this is undercut everyone else’s monthly rates. If other affiliates bitch and try to reveal the fact that you’re clueless as a trainer, fuck ’em. Your clients are safer by you not programming sumo deadlift high pulls (because you haven’t learned how to do them yet). Besides, you didn’t want to be invited to that other affiliate’s paleo prom anyway.
Dealing with clients is your own problem, so don’t ask me for help there. Although, I did write a post about dumbass clients that should be required reading for your members. Most of them won’t be as difficult to deal with as the examples in that post. In many cases, your clients will help by becoming your best source of advertising. Social media will allow them to exalt your business by waxing eloquent about something seemingly simple. Here’s some broad going overboard about a fucking power clean:
That vomit in your mouth is the flavor of success! Melodrama on social media is the new scrapbooking and a CrossFit affiliate is the perfect place for modern women to reinforce their crippling codependence. Training that type of client can be rewarding, but unless you have female coaches on staff, you may find it tricky to manage their passion and intensity.
Ultimately, the most challenging aspect of owning a CrossFit affiliate will be navigating your relationship with CrossFit Headquarters. Hopefully you’ve learned from the mistakes of others. That lesson is simply based around your ability to bite your tongue and mindlessly conform. To stay in good standings with HQ and even get some mainsite love or CF media coverage, you must never mention ZORG. While ZORG does not refer to the villian from The Fifth Element, HQ views it as a threat of equal danger.
If you don’t know why you aren’t allowed to mention those four things, you’re a fucking n00b (duh). It’s not your fault since you’ve only recently been taught how to do a med ball clean. I’ll help: Zone sucks, OPT, Robb Wolf & Greg Everett.
On the topic of biting your tongue, you’ll often find yourself wondering, “What the fuck was HQ thinking? Couldn’t they just post their lame mainsite WODs and let the affiliates (and Reebok) continue gaining success for the community? It’s a simple and profitable situation for them. Why would they do things that might jeopardize us?” Keep wondering. Just don’t speak up.
Many affiliate owners were shocked by the tasteless and disrespectful marketing campaign for the CrossFit For Hope fundraiser to benefit St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. I didn’t feel like getting into that fucking mess. Also, The Naked CrossFitter pretty much dominated that topic in proper fashion. While HQ made pathetic attempts to convince everyone on Facebook that they had done the right thing by showing us “reality”, someone made a point that rendered all arguments useless:
Enough fucking logic, let’s get back to dealing with HQ. When you want to know why HQ does crazy shit, just assume they’re trolling. Trolling is the shit. When you’re in the mood to fuck with people on the internet, there is no better fun. As CrossFit’s growth has been largely based upon the internet, it seems HQ’s quirks are just an organized effort to troll you, the affiliate owner. It’s all a joke, right? It must be and after the sick kids poster, that’s how I get to sleep at night (considering I’m still doing CrossFit). If you don’t think they’re trolling, take a closer look at one specific guy in HQ who even looks like the commonly used ‘Troll Face.’
While writing this, I was looking up terrible affiliate names to include in that 1st image. Though it really didn’t fit into the general theme of the post, I felt one affiliate in particular needed some additional attention. The below screen capture is completely real and you can see for yourself at http://www.crossfitdental.com/