Blah Blah Reebok Commercial (STFU)

Did you see the commercial?  Of course, you did.  According to Facebook and Twitter, a lot of CrossFit exercisers were more concerned with a fucking advertisement than Aaron Rogers and the Packers doing the “Discount Double Choke” against the Giants.  Apparently, the “Sport of Fitness” arrived and interrupted the “Sport of… Sport” (aka the NFL Playoffs).

Who fucking cares?  From what I can tell – there were two basic reactions.

1. Hooray!  I saw people doing wallballs on a commercial during a nationally televised broadcast!  We’ve come so far! 

My response: Shut the fuck up.  After you watched the commercial you had already seen 8 times on YouTube I’m sure you immediately switched the channel from a hugely important playoff game to the fucking WSOE reruns on ESPN2 (which you’ve also already seen 8 times).  You can’t be helped and I’m bored with making fun of you.

2.  Oh no!  This means the demise of CrossFit!  All of our affiliates will be taken over by Reebok!

My response: Shut the fuck up.  I thought the commercial was fucking funny with its militaristic helicopter invasion.  The symbolism was just perfect enough to get the gullible conspiracy theorist/affiliate owner to fear a hostile takeover.  Suckers.  As much as I want to, I don’t remember the commercial going like this:

Now, that’s a commercial.  It kicked off the type of dream sequence in my head I used to have in school (until they put me on Ritalin)…  UH-SPLOSION!  Then tanks rolling and troops marching!  Their color guards bear the flag of the glorious ReePublic:

Then after the helicopters drop the new “boxes” on top of existing affiliates, the previous owners are brainwashed and forced to work for the new regime.

And then the CrossFit Kids program got fucking mandatory.  All youth of great ReePublic do CrossFit.  This make strong worker for glory of Mother Reebok.

  

And the new “Fittest Man on Earth” was crowned at the 2012 World Series of Exercise.   

Then my daydream ended and I went back to watching football and drankin’.

Yesterday, me and Drywall had a chat about this and he pretty much summed it all up to the point where there’s no need for further discussion.  Before you say anything, prepare to shut the fuck up.

The link Drywall is referring to: Reebok’s Jukari “fit to fly”.  A partnership with Cirque du Soleil.  Outstanding stuff and I don’t know why it didn’t catch on. 

As far as the pairing of The Biggest Loser’s Bob Harper with CrossFit – let’s just hope he can do for CrossFit what he did for Queer Abs.  No, seriously – click on that link.  You’re welcome.  “Good job, Bootcamp Bob!”

Bob Harper destrominates the fatness every season on The Biggest Loser.  This season, he’s got the fatties doing elements of CrossFit.  A couple weeks ago, me and John Welbourn of CrossFit Football and Talk To Me Johnnie had some chuckles on Twitter about ol’ Bootcamp Bob:

And so begins the endless tweets and facebook status updates about CrossFit on the Biggest Loser.  Am I gonna watch that crap?  Probably not.  Although, I do get a giggle out of watching the contestants cry while eating.  That shit is pure poetry. 

P.S.  Those of you who’ve asked me to make a t-shirt of the ReePublic flag – I would but I’m really busy not dealing with lawsuits and shit.  Sorry.

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  1. #1 by Drywall on January 18, 2012 - 9:41 AM

    First.

    • #2 by EPIC on January 18, 2012 - 9:43 AM

      Dis mufucka

    • #3 by Johnny Utah on January 18, 2012 - 11:43 AM

      Just when you thought you were out………….back in you fucking come.

  2. #4 by Nestor J. Perez on January 18, 2012 - 9:48 AM

    not your best work…

    • #5 by EPIC on January 18, 2012 - 9:52 AM

      I owe you a refund.

      • #6 by thatboyatx on January 18, 2012 - 11:10 AM

        I got a boner while watching the new Crossfit Reebok commercial….. #crossfitproblems

        • #7 by delaforce on January 18, 2012 - 12:19 PM

          Jesus fucking Christ, I thought this was done last week.

          • #8 by thatboyatx on January 18, 2012 - 5:36 PM

            Yes, d-force, it was done last week, that is why I made the joke. It’s called being Ironic, if I posted that on the comment thread of another blog not relating to Crossfit it would not make sense to the people who were reading it. Wiki-search “playing to your audience” tomorrow when the site is back up.

            • #9 by delaforce on January 18, 2012 - 7:43 PM

              what you said was neither ironic, or captivating to any audience. here, let me help you with your definition:
              i·ro·ny
              1    /ˈaɪrəni, ˈaɪər-/ Show Spelled[ahy-ruh-nee, ahy-er-] Show IPA
              noun, plural -nies.
              1.
              the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning: the irony of her reply, “How nice!” when I said I had to work all weekend.

              • #10 by No Way To Noting on January 19, 2012 - 9:54 PM

                But really, isn’t ironic – don’t ya think?

  3. #11 by Disgustipated on January 18, 2012 - 9:50 AM

    Exactly. We have a short fucking attention span and to think that is shitty brand like Reebok is going to monopolize and rebrand a bunch of boxes is ridiculous. People will become “aware” of crossfit..hell…maybe even try it but for damn sure not stick with it. Suffer through the bullshit….normal bullshit will resume shortly when everyone spots the next shiny fucking object.

  4. #12 by Knarwall Hunter on January 18, 2012 - 9:52 AM

    I’m still trying to get a grip on whether you like or don’t like crossfit…

    • #13 by Drywall on January 18, 2012 - 10:18 AM

      If only the world were as simple as binaries…

    • #14 by Justin Pearl on January 18, 2012 - 10:31 AM

      I’m not trying to speak for Epic or anyone else here, but “I reap physiological benefits from the training regimen that CrossFit prescribes” and “I think CrossFit social media and propaganda are fucking retarded” are not mutually exclusive statements. Not sure if you were aware.

  5. #15 by WTFMarine on January 18, 2012 - 10:00 AM

    Jukari would have been legit if it used rings and you added box jumps.

    • #16 by Joey on January 19, 2012 - 5:32 PM

      So….CrossFit?

  6. #17 by Amber on January 18, 2012 - 10:01 AM

    You… are fucking awesome… love that you were thinking the same thing as I watched the commercial… WTF

  7. #18 by vicious89x on January 18, 2012 - 10:28 AM

    Crossfitters don’t play football. Hardcore crossfitters don’t even bother watching football. Gotta watch some SICvids!!

  8. #19 by Stonie on January 18, 2012 - 10:29 AM

    There were no thoughts of “oh god, the end of crossfit.” The only I thought was; “dear god, save from commercials and put my fucking football game back on.” Wait….Cheerleaders.

  9. #20 by zbrodis on January 18, 2012 - 10:45 AM

    dear reebok, when are you going to design some bison-hide cross-training loincloths so i can maintain my primal lifestyle while still wasting money on shit i don’t need?

  10. #21 by Jonathan on January 18, 2012 - 10:46 AM

    Ahhhhh yeeeeaaahhh! Bringin’ back the Reebs Pump bitches. One arm tabata Kb snatch pump. Killed it.

  11. #22 by sdanleyjr on January 18, 2012 - 11:14 AM

    Please tell me you saw all of the tweets from people who thought the #reebokcrossfit was a shoe when Reebok paid to have it as a trending topic? I think most of them were along the lines of “imma get me some of those new #reebokcrossfit shoes…kidding, NIKE FTW”. Advertising fail.

  12. #23 by Msquared on January 18, 2012 - 11:26 AM

    This post was ab-ulous!

  13. #24 by Johnny Utah on January 18, 2012 - 11:52 AM

    This will go the way of Spinning and Pilates.

    Back to a niche activity in 3…..2…..1

    • #25 by Destromitron on January 18, 2012 - 12:57 PM

      My lulu lemon shinsocks don’t match my Reebok EasyTones #crossfitproblems

      I’m drowning in a sea of piss and shitbergs; the social scene of “CrossFit” makes me more angry than the assholes on the Costa Concordia comparing it to the Titanic.

      My version of the Reepublic is Glassman as The Emporer, Epic as Hans, wookies
      fuckin deadlifting, and nobody gets to be Vader bc Castro and Budding arent fucking cool enough. DryWall can be Luke

      • #26 by Dan Daugherty on January 19, 2012 - 8:05 AM

        I know I’m going to get some dork points for this but Epic as Hans? How could you have missed Mace Windu? Samuel L. MotherFuckin Jackson is the only person I know who can keep up with Epic on the F-bomb.

        • #27 by Destromitron on January 19, 2012 - 11:41 AM

          Agree, even better would be Dave Chappelle’s version of Mace
          Windu from the Skywalker Ranch skit

          “Touch boys Yoda did not
          Tired he is,
          resign he will”

      • #28 by Drywall on January 19, 2012 - 4:38 PM

        “But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters…”

    • #29 by Justin Pearl on January 18, 2012 - 1:41 PM

      Tony Budding could be JarJar, that stupid, annoying, floppy-eared fuckstick of a character with a Jamaican accent from the newer Star Wars movies. Their statements have similar levels of profundity and intelligence, only Tony tries much harder. “Meesa tinks me Tweeter followers are achin’ ta hear about me fuckin’ mustache!!!”

  14. #30 by DeezNuts on January 18, 2012 - 1:22 PM

    “You think you’re tough for eating beans every day? There’s half a million scarecrows in Denver who’d give anything for one mouthful of what you got. They’ve been under siege for about three months. They live on rats and sawdust bread and sometimes… on each other. At night, the pyres for the dead light up the sky. It’s medieval.”

    Lieutenant Colonel Andrew Tanner-Red Dawn

  15. #31 by Scott P on January 18, 2012 - 1:39 PM

    Fucking dying!!! “Whatever Reebok does not kill makes you stronger!”
    Come on Epic print the shirt and “show the man” he isn’t in charge. Bahahahahaha!

    • #32 by EPIC on January 18, 2012 - 2:59 PM

      Copyright infringement isn’t exactly “showing the man”. I’d probably sell 50-75 shirts and get something like 3 bucks per (spreadshirt commisions suck). None of this scenario makes me Che Guevara.

      • #33 by Scott P on January 18, 2012 - 3:15 PM

        Know what you mean, the man went after some dude, here in MO, who sold like $50 worth of rabbits (yeah that’s right, RABBITS)without proper USDA licenses and he spent THOUSANDS and had to get both our senators to help him get out of it without doing jail time and losing everything.

  16. #34 by Ingo B on January 18, 2012 - 2:15 PM

    “The Sport Of Fitness” slogan is stupid.

    • #35 by Dave on January 19, 2012 - 5:59 AM

      That’s what it is

  17. #36 by Zach Shaw on January 18, 2012 - 7:22 PM

    Wait, does that commercial imply that Bob Harper is GAY?!?

    Oh, and I feel like I dropped the seven “what’s in the box” joke first. You’re welcome.

    • #37 by EPIC on January 18, 2012 - 8:19 PM

      Oh, and I feel like if you beat me to the Seven joke, no one noticed. Oh, and I feel like the joke was kind of obvious. Oh, and I feel like I have no clue who the fuck you are, or from what popular CrossFit blog you hail, from which I might have stolen the joke. I steal jokes all the time. Mostly from Drywall. I link the shit out of him. On this post, I stole jokes from @TheFakeESPN and John Welbourn. I give them credit. I do that. So if you have some forum for your creativity, please inform me. That way I can truly steal from you, link you, and you’ll get some sort of exposure. At which point, I’ll tell you- you’re welcome.

      • #38 by Rudy on January 19, 2012 - 1:01 AM

        Wait… Haven’t you stolen a joke from me? Maybe? No…?

        • #39 by EPIC on January 19, 2012 - 6:55 AM

          I recruit your jokes, teach them how to do Olympic lifts and then take credit when they make it to regionals.

          • #40 by Thomas on January 19, 2012 - 7:42 AM

            Like

          • #41 by delaforce on January 19, 2012 - 12:24 PM

            Fuck. I laughed. Do I lose?

  18. #42 by No Way To Noting on January 18, 2012 - 9:20 PM

    CrossFit.. is that like Jesus Camp fitness or something? Is it a game, or a sport? I don’t get it.

  19. #43 by john on January 18, 2012 - 10:43 PM

    Do any of you actually like CrossFit?
    It seems like all you do is bitch and moan about shit.

    • #44 by Destromitron on January 19, 2012 - 11:44 AM

      No we all exercise to be badass, in general and at sports… we don’t pop boners being the best at handstand walks for distance

    • #45 by No-Tolerance on January 19, 2012 - 11:22 PM

      NO, we don’t! We do however love making fun of ass clowns who look like they ecaped a death camp as they attempt to be awesome.

    • #46 by Larisa on February 1, 2012 - 10:24 AM

      Thanks for tnkaig time for sharing this article, it was excellent and very informative. It’s my first time that I visit here. I found a lot of informative stuff in your article. Keep it up. Thank you.

  20. #47 by Dr. Barry Hungwell on January 19, 2012 - 3:49 PM

    Has Castro finished that deadlift?

  21. #48 by No-Tolerance on January 19, 2012 - 11:20 PM

    Whatever happened to that chic on the Biggest Loser, Jillian? Thick eyebrows! Actually…who gives a fuck. Solid post, sir!

  22. #49 by fatCARNAGEsloth on January 20, 2012 - 3:30 AM

    CrossFit was sweet when I started, what happened?

  23. #50 by Dr. Barry Hungwell on January 23, 2012 - 10:26 AM

    Ahem.

    Wide left.

  24. #51 by Ray Finkle on January 23, 2012 - 10:28 AM

  25. #52 by King James on January 27, 2012 - 7:01 PM

    You had me at knee socks Epic…..

  26. #53 by Garth on January 29, 2012 - 8:49 PM

    I’m going to suggest they implement that Jukari at my box. That looked awesome! Reebok might have been on to something there.

    Thanks for the link!

  27. #54 by CheeseyChode on February 2, 2012 - 3:17 PM

    One day the masses will have the balls to stand up and say Reebollock are only here to dry rape

  28. #55 by L John Yarusi on March 12, 2012 - 6:23 PM

    Classic –

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