Hey there, n00b. You’ve committed to joining a CrossFit affiliate in January. Congrats and welcome to a strange environment of group exercise (and groupthink). Before you show up with uncool shoes, basketball shorts and no understanding of how to do a Sumo Deadlift High Pull, allow me to assist you in navigating the unfamiliar world of CrossFit. Since I’ve already covered what not to do here, I’m going to give you some tips on what you can do in order to survive.
Don’t Worry About The Movements: You’ve been hornswoggled into taking an on-ramp program where a coach will teach you how WE exercise. The extra fee for the on-ramp program i$ fun becau$e you’ve already paid for your member$hip and now you’ll al$o have to pay more ca$h to be taught how to be a member. You won’t learn how to do cool shit, but you’ll become a fucking samurai with the PVC pipe.
Scale The WODs: CrossFit is hard and you suck, so scaling makes it easier. I went into detail here, and your coach can help you figure out how to apply the concept. Sometimes, you have to be creative in order to hit from the ladies’ tees.
Don’t Worry About The People: We’re generally nice and may talk to you (if you’re already fit/strong or you’re a hot chick). If you don’t fit into that category, you’ll be left alone and ignored as though your mediocrity is contagious. No big deal, you’ll make friends eventually. CrossFit social events occur often and I’m sure your Paleo Brownies will be a hit. Pro-tip: make a normal dessert and tell people it’s completely paleo. “Oh my God, N00b! This is delicious. What’s your real name?”
Worry Like A Motherfucker About The Fashion: It’s a big deal to CrossFitters. Get rid of that workout clothing you bought from the store that sells… workout clothing. Me and my uncool Under Armour shorts can’t help you with fashion. But don’t worry, SICFIT (those who know are) is a great resource for all things foppish.
What We Do For Abs: In CrossFit, we don’t do abs. Why? Because we do not do abs. Don’t fucking ask about it again. I’ve been doing CrossFit for years and have never done abs. Not once. Call it midline stabilization or call it a cash-out if you must, but just remember:
I hope my advice helps and I’m really pulling for you. You’re what I call a “January gym-joiner” and your expiration date is usually mid-March. You don’t want to end up in the client graveyard, so you’re going to have to flip the fucking switch and go beastmode to escape your n00b status. It wont take long. Try to make it to April and you’ll become so fucking indoctrinated, you won’t be mentally capable of quitting on your own. Until then, enjoy your Christmas and I hope you don’t get shitty gifts. Like this one: