The Newbie’s Guide To CrossFit

Hey there, n00b.  You’ve committed to joining a CrossFit affiliate in January.  Congrats and welcome to a strange environment of group exercise (and groupthink).  Before you show up with uncool shoes, basketball shorts and no understanding of how to do a Sumo Deadlift High Pull, allow me to assist you in navigating the unfamiliar world of CrossFit.  Since I’ve already covered what not to do here, I’m going to give you some tips on what you can do in order to survive. 

Don’t Worry About The Movements:  You’ve been hornswoggled into taking an on-ramp program where a coach will teach you how WE exercise.  The extra fee for the on-ramp program i$ fun becau$e you’ve already paid for your member$hip and now you’ll al$o have to pay more ca$h to be taught how to be a member.  You won’t learn how to do cool shit, but you’ll become a fucking samurai with the PVC pipe.

Didn’t see that on ESPN2? Welcome to CrossFit, sucka.

Scale The WODs:  CrossFit is hard and you suck, so scaling makes it easier.  I went into detail here, and your coach can help you figure out how to apply the concept.  Sometimes, you have to be creative in order to hit from the ladies’ tees. 

Thanks to DNF Apparel for the shirt.  Buy their shit, proceeds go to charity.

Don’t Worry About The People:  We’re generally nice and may talk to you (if you’re already fit/strong or you’re a hot chick).  If you don’t fit into that category, you’ll be left alone and ignored as though your mediocrity is contagious.  No big deal, you’ll make friends eventually.  CrossFit social events occur often and I’m sure your Paleo Brownies will be a hit.  Pro-tip: make a normal dessert and tell people it’s completely paleo.  “Oh my God, N00b!  This is delicious.  What’s your real name?”

1 pood of almond flour, coconut oil & nothing else. Swear to God.

Worry Like A Motherfucker About The Fashion:  It’s a big deal to CrossFitters.  Get rid of that workout clothing you bought from the store that sells… workout clothing.  Me and my uncool Under Armour shorts can’t help you with fashion.  But don’t worry, SICFIT (those who know are) is a great resource for all things foppish. 

“Dolce and Gabbana, HELLO!”

What We Do For Abs:  In CrossFit, we don’t do abs.  Why?  Because we do not do abs.  Don’t fucking ask about it again.  I’ve been doing CrossFit for years and have never done abs.  Not once.  Call it midline stabilization or call it a cash-out if you must, but just remember:

I hope my advice helps and I’m really pulling for you.  You’re what I call a “January gym-joiner” and your expiration date is usually mid-March.  You don’t want to end up in the client graveyard, so you’re going to have to flip the fucking switch and go beastmode to escape your n00b status.  It wont take long.  Try to make it to April and you’ll become so fucking indoctrinated, you won’t be mentally capable of quitting on your own.  Until then, enjoy your Christmas and I hope you don’t get shitty gifts.  Like this one:

  1. #1 by John Lohry on December 20, 2011 - 10:00 AM

    LOL! Top notch, Epic! Funny as hell, and yet, so true in some ways.

  2. #2 by Jeanette on December 20, 2011 - 10:14 AM

    Always a good read! 🙂

  3. #3 by Scott Parson on December 20, 2011 - 10:27 AM

    “We’re generally nice and may talk to you (if you’re already fit/strong or you’re a hot chick). If you don’t fit into that category, you’ll be left alone and ignored as though your mediocrity is contagious.”
    “Sometimes, you have to be creative in order to hit from the ladies’ tees. ”
    “You’re what I call a “January gym-joiner” and your expiration date is usually mid-March.”

  4. #4 by Justin on December 20, 2011 - 11:13 AM

    I need to convert all of my recipes to poods.

  5. #5 by glutenfreeathlete on December 20, 2011 - 11:25 AM

    Oh my gosh, amazing!!!! Keep up the great work!

  6. #6 by kristin on December 20, 2011 - 11:28 AM

    The abs bit made me cry.

  7. #7 by Jason Russo on December 20, 2011 - 11:36 AM

    Always funny Epic, yet so genius. Next blog should include some more of the 2 feelings, Anger and Fuck Yeah. That shit was hilarious!

  8. #8 by Johnny Utah on December 20, 2011 - 11:37 AM

    Watching Glassman bloviate, just WOW……Gin is a hell of a drink.

  9. #9 by Jess on December 20, 2011 - 11:38 AM

    hahaha follow the Dolce and Gabbana SICFIT girls on Twitter @jessholland & @lanaberry, and the eyebrow @DarwinHunt; hilarious!

  10. #10 by Erik Fischer on December 20, 2011 - 12:19 PM

    all funny up until the tebow part. how did the ravens do on sunday? they’re def a contender when you get your ass beat by the chargers and the jags. looking good. I still say Tebow would kick Ray Lewis and Terell “Thuggs” ass.

    • #11 by EPIC on December 20, 2011 - 12:32 PM

      Ray Lewis would murder Tebow. Literally.

      • #12 by Drywall on December 20, 2011 - 2:32 PM


      • #13 by Timmy F on December 21, 2011 - 12:06 PM

        That’d be the only time I’d ever root for Ray Lewis.

  11. #14 by Om1kron on December 20, 2011 - 12:26 PM

    the fucking chocolate chip cake kettle bell following the make a non paleo desert and say it’s paleo shit slayed me.

  12. #15 by chris D on December 20, 2011 - 12:52 PM

    Hilarious! and seeing that Tebow jersey almost made me CTL-ALT-DEL ….My Bears man…My Chicago Bears…

  13. #16 by Andy G. on December 20, 2011 - 12:59 PM

    Goddamnit Epic, that’s why our green bands are stretched the fuck out! Now how are we suppossed to get all these January gmy-joiners going on pullups…oh well they only need to last us until March! Comic genius bro!

  14. #17 by Ashley D on December 20, 2011 - 1:00 PM

    LOVE the OHS pic and the “SICFIT (those who know are)” bit. Hilarious.

    I was surprised to see your post today. Thought today was Wed for a sec.

    • #18 by EPIC on December 20, 2011 - 1:53 PM

      Posted early because no one reads teh intarnetz around teh holidayz.

    • #19 by Ashley D on December 20, 2011 - 2:08 PM

      I once won a burpee challenge from CrossFit Love and SICFIT. (I’m short. Short people are better at burpees.) I was supposed to get a shirt in the mail from both CF Love and SICFIT. Nothing ever came from SICFIT. Losers.

      I hope you’re reading this, SICFIT. I didn’t do 33 seconds worth of burpees for nuthin. Now where’s mah dang shirt?

      • #20 by Ashley D on December 20, 2011 - 2:10 PM

        Oh yeah, It was actually 33 burpees for time. Whatevs…

  15. #21 by Krista on December 20, 2011 - 1:16 PM

    Question! When are you NOT considered a N00b?

    • #22 by EPIC on December 20, 2011 - 1:54 PM

      When your Fran time is better than mine. At that point, I become the n00b.

  16. #23 by Ingo B on December 20, 2011 - 1:20 PM

    When I read your thoughts re: Crossfit fashion (in this as well as past blogs), I thought to myself, “haha…he’s exaggerating. Surely he can’t be serious”.

    Then, I saw this on our box’s FB page: “Hey guys, I left my Luluemon jacket on the bench. If you find it, let me know. (unnamed male bro dude)”.

    You ARE serious. And I’ll stop calling you Surely.

  17. #24 by volgawvCarol on December 20, 2011 - 1:29 PM

    I can’t believe you did not dis on Lulu. I did not even see the green bands right away. Funny as s#*t! I love Tebow but that pic made me laugh out loud!!! Another great blog. You are a genius. Don’t let that go to your head! Merry Christmas!!!! I am being politically incorrect but this is the place to do it!

  18. #25 by Charlene on December 20, 2011 - 1:39 PM

    Loved the article! Well said. I’ve been doing CF for almost a year now, and Love it!

  19. #26 by Kyle Rossetti on December 20, 2011 - 2:01 PM

    Epic is my hero! Oh an I HATE TEBOW! Am I going to hell now 🙂

  20. #27 by Tony on December 20, 2011 - 2:07 PM

    Are you sure you know what the green bands are for??

  21. #28 by Jeff on December 20, 2011 - 2:28 PM

    OK, I am self-admitted n00b. I do exactly what I’m told by my coach – one foot in front of the other with no whining, bitching, or complaining. I pay him good money to coach me, no one wants to deal with a whining ass. I was thinking that coming in dressed to the nines in typical CF gear would scream “n00b douchebag”. No?

    • #29 by Ashley D on December 20, 2011 - 2:31 PM

      It definitely screams douchbag…

  22. #30 by Laz on December 20, 2011 - 4:41 PM

    Friggin awesome… thats exactly what i tell all my friends when they ask… We DONT Do ABS!!!thank you!

  23. #31 by CrossFit Oakdale on December 20, 2011 - 5:21 PM

    LOL great article! I actually made the kettle bell cake in the picture and am pretty psyched that you have it up:)

    • #32 by EPIC on December 20, 2011 - 5:33 PM

      Thanks, then (if it wasn’t paleo). You’re welcome (if it was paleo).

  24. #33 by heather on December 20, 2011 - 6:10 PM

    wow seems like crossfitters still love that homophobic humor as well.

    • #34 by Dr. Barry Hungwell on December 21, 2011 - 4:29 PM

      Lighten up, Francis…

  25. #35 by Danny Martinez on December 20, 2011 - 6:16 PM

    I’ll be in first of the year bet i can do a mean scaled back version of a wod

  26. #36 by John Jaramillo on December 20, 2011 - 7:10 PM

    Hey Doosh! Yeah I know I spelled it wrong! BFD! When you gonna show some love to TEBOW..Don’t you hate it when he can kick your ass and then say God Bless and smile about it 🙂 Love your shit and keep up the funny stuff…

  27. #37 by Johnny on the spot on December 20, 2011 - 9:16 PM

    You sir are funny as fuck, thank you for making my day.

  28. #38 by droszyk on December 20, 2011 - 9:30 PM

    A most enjoyable piece of literature.

  29. #39 by Crossfit Dad on December 21, 2011 - 12:25 AM

    Nice job sneaking Bruno in! That’s some funny shit.

  30. #40 by Andoryu on December 21, 2011 - 5:49 AM

    That was awesome. Looking forward to your next post.

  31. #41 by Jon Pink on December 25, 2011 - 3:10 PM

    Why does almost everyone that leaves a reply want to suck you off (guys and gals)? You say some funny shit and I find your posts amusing, but what makes my day is when I get to flip my fucking switch and go BEASTMODE. Keep it real… On a side note, yelling “BEASTMODE” when you are banging your girlfreind does NOT score you points – but try it some time, it will make you laugh. Seriously.

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