And by disposable income crowd, I mean pretty much anyone in the CrossFit community. Since we are upper-middle class with decent salaries and a love for all things overpriced, we need to consume more shit. Kind of like CrossFit toys for our snot-nosed kids. Your lil’ crumbsnatchers will be destrominating metcons with these multi-colored and functional WOD Toys.
I’m pretty sure if I unwrapped that crap on Christmas morning back in the early 80’s I’d be one pissed off little fuck.”Where is my motherfucking Boba Fett action figure I asked for?” Santa’s gonna get cockpunched. You want to get your kids toys that will make them fit and peel their fwoot-snack chomping asses away from that stupid iCarly episode they’ve seen 8 times? Here’s some shit for ’em that will blow their minds:
Since we’re on the subject of things CrossFitters could spend their extra money on, lemme give you a sneak peek at some items about to hit the market from some of your favorite manufacturers of CrossFit related shit.
Tired of telling that client to go deeper on his squats or fully open the hips at the top? The “ROM Sensors”, developed by Rogue Fitness will know when someone is fucking sandbagging range of motion. With plenty of applications, these sensors may one day replace judges at competitions. AJ Moore just looked at his coach and said, “fuck yeah.” The sensors emit a beeping sound to identify a “no rep”. There is science all up in this bitch. Optional shock collars make training interesting.
You know those kettlebells that look like shit from an MMA shirt? Fucking sweet. The CrossFit Store (powered by Reebok) throws their hat in the ring. For only $1,000 and a weekend of your time: the Coachbell. You won’t actually learn how to use it on that weekend (nor will you be able to instruct others) but you’ll be indoctrinated to think it’s the best kettlebell around.
Have you heard about Again Faster’s partnership with Yankee Candle? No, not gay. Instead of your house smelling like girls, flip the switch to manly shit with these new candles. CrossSluts will feel ‘at home’ if your place smells like the gym.
What’s more paleo than paleo? Eating paleo people. Cannibalism is a bit macabre, but you will not achieve your black belt in Robb Wolf Paleo Jitsu until you eat a humanburger. It’s also a slick way to piss off vegans while getting a fist-bump from PETA. New from the “Soylent Green” division of Paleo Brands: “People”.
When I want some poetry and prose to make me feel all warm and fuzzy about my emotional journey in CrossFit, I go to the master of hackneyed writing, Lizbeth Darsh. While her literary gems are free online, it’s time to pony up some cash for the bonerkillingest piece of art to come out of the CrossFit HQ store since “Every Second Counts”.
Imagine if there was this thing in the gym where you could see your form on shit. Crazy, right? Well, you know that thing you use to see yourself in the bathroom? Boom. Your head just uh-sploded. I can’t believe no gym in the history of the world has thought of this yet. New from those wizards of exercise equipment at Rogue Fitness : FUCKING MIRRORS!
If these new products didn’t get you all pumped to spend some of your upper-middle class moneydollars, there is more to come. I have an inside source at Hybrid Athletics who leaked news on the testing of their new “Buoyant Atlas Stones”. While this sounds fucking impossible, Rob Orlando is really hoping they pull it off.