New CrossFit Products For The Disposable Income Crowd!

And by disposable income crowd, I mean pretty much anyone in the CrossFit community.  Since we are upper-middle class with decent salaries and a love for all things overpriced, we need to consume more shit.  Kind of like CrossFit toys for our snot-nosed kids.  Your lil’ crumbsnatchers will be destrominating metcons with these multi-colored and functional WOD Toys.  

No seriously, I didn't make this up.

I’m pretty sure if I unwrapped that crap on Christmas morning back in the early 80’s I’d be one pissed off little fuck.”Where is my motherfucking Boba Fett action figure I asked for?”  Santa’s gonna get cockpunched.  You want to get your kids toys that will make them fit and peel their fwoot-snack chomping asses away from that stupid iCarly episode they’ve seen 8 times?  Here’s some shit for ’em that will blow their minds:

These things are not available at any participating CrossFit Kids affiliate.

Since we’re on the subject of things CrossFitters could spend their extra money on, lemme give you a sneak peek at some items about to hit the market from some of your favorite manufacturers of CrossFit related shit.

Tired of telling that client to go deeper on his squats or fully open the hips at the top?  The “ROM Sensors”, developed by Rogue Fitness will know when someone is fucking sandbagging range of motion.  With plenty of applications, these sensors may one day replace judges at competitions.  AJ Moore just looked at his coach and said, “fuck yeah.”  The sensors emit a beeping sound to identify a “no rep”.  There is science all up in this bitch.  Optional shock collars make training interesting.

You know those kettlebells that look like shit from an MMA shirt?  Fucking sweet.  The CrossFit Store (powered by Reebok) throws their hat in the ring.  For only $1,000 and a weekend of your time: the Coachbell.  You won’t actually learn how to use it on that weekend (nor will you be able to instruct others) but you’ll be indoctrinated to think it’s the best kettlebell around.

Have you heard about Again Faster’s partnership with Yankee Candle?  No, not gay.  Instead of your house smelling like girls, flip the switch to manly shit with these new candles.  CrossSluts will feel ‘at home’ if your place smells like the gym.

What’s more paleo than paleo?  Eating paleo people.  Cannibalism is a bit macabre, but you will not achieve your black belt in Robb Wolf Paleo Jitsu until you eat a humanburger.  It’s also a slick way to piss off vegans while getting a fist-bump from PETA.  New from the “Soylent Green” division of Paleo Brands: “People”.

  

When I want some poetry and prose to make me feel all warm and fuzzy about my emotional journey in CrossFit, I go to the master of hackneyed writing, Lizbeth Darsh.  While her literary gems are free online, it’s time to pony up some cash for the bonerkillingest piece of art to come out of the CrossFit HQ store since “Every Second Counts”.

Imagine if there was this thing in the gym where you could see your form on shit.  Crazy, right?  Well, you know that thing you use to see yourself in the bathroom?  Boom.  Your head just uh-sploded.  I can’t believe no gym in the history of the world has thought of this yet.  New from those wizards of exercise equipment at Rogue Fitness : FUCKING MIRRORS!

If these new products didn’t get you all pumped to spend some of your upper-middle class moneydollars, there is more to come.  I have an inside source at Hybrid Athletics who leaked news on the testing of their new “Buoyant Atlas Stones”.  While this sounds fucking impossible, Rob Orlando is really hoping they pull it off.

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  1. #1 by Tony No Bread on November 30, 2011 - 11:16 AM

    I would still DNF using the WOD Toys…

  2. #2 by Nathan Greaves on November 30, 2011 - 11:51 AM

    Hahaha I fucking loved the final paragraph!
    Orlando would destrominate a drowning WOD, Salo in second.

  3. #3 by Johnny Utah on November 30, 2011 - 11:52 AM

    A picture of the Couch on a kettlebell….That’s cash money hommie.

    And show me a Box that does not love them some Maya Angelou.

  4. #4 by Johnny Utah on November 30, 2011 - 12:00 PM

    @Tony

    Come on man…don’t pull a MacKenzie.

    • #5 by DH on December 3, 2011 - 2:22 PM

      Dude, that might be a joke that only some folks get, but I got it. Funny stuff… “a MacKenzie”. Ha.

  5. #6 by Walter on November 30, 2011 - 12:25 PM

    Many lulz were had

  6. #7 by Starr on November 30, 2011 - 1:31 PM

    Another PC Cockpunch. Bueno bro

    What ever happened to the Lotto Cashout 5k? I’m guessing the CFendurance team got spanked or the Journal would be blowing up with self engrandisement

  7. #8 by delaforce on November 30, 2011 - 2:07 PM

    You’re specifically forgetting that since the games, most gyms have not only incorporated the softball toss, but also the basketball dribble for time, the football punt return (also known as smear the queer) and the backhand serve return. See, sports can be Crossfit too!

    • #9 by EPIC on November 30, 2011 - 3:40 PM

      I just heard Castro will be putting this in the 2012 Games:

      http://www.nflppk.com/

      I think Americans are in for a rude awakening.

    • #10 by dTRON on November 30, 2011 - 4:16 PM

      At my gym they programmed the croquet slam for distance, the cricket bat reaction, and the bocce ball rapid rep. I don’t even need to go into the fundamental fitness in those movements. Theres alot we can learn from athletes across the pond!

  8. #11 by Ashley D on November 30, 2011 - 2:26 PM

    Love this post.

    We were actually talking about the whole AJ/judge fiasco earlier today after one of my classes. I hope to God he doesn’t sprain another ankle this year or get robbed 60 more reps.

    Sensors… is that for real? Gotta be kidding me.

    • #12 by Drywall on November 30, 2011 - 4:34 PM

      He is. Shocking.

    • #13 by Jimmy V on December 1, 2011 - 7:04 AM

      If you guys/gals remember Rogue’s Black Friday sales fliers, they mentioned that because the sensors are wireless, the FCC has a say in what frequencies they can operate on. Anyway, long story short I called Rogue yesterday to figure out what the hold up was and they told me they will be out in the next week or two so that we can still get them in time for Christmas.

      Also, gullible is not in the dictionary.

      • #14 by Ashley D on December 3, 2011 - 7:42 AM

        Ok, so, I’m gullible. However, it’s actually harder to believe that Rogue hasn’t tried to develop something like that yet. I’m sure they’re upset that Epic thought of the sensors before they did.

  9. #15 by cat on November 30, 2011 - 3:33 PM

    …i wonder if the dahmer meat company has family packages?

    • #16 by EPIC on November 30, 2011 - 3:51 PM

      Families are delicious.

      • #17 by delaforce on December 1, 2011 - 2:50 PM

        Does this mean I have to get different “Doe” hunting licenses to shoot females? What a crock of shit.

  10. #18 by cooke on November 30, 2011 - 3:33 PM

    “Buoyant Atlas Stones” lol brilliant

  11. #19 by volgawvCarol on November 30, 2011 - 6:20 PM

    Funny as hell, my fav are the Yankee Candles! Seriously, how do you come up with this s#*T?

  12. #20 by Matty on November 30, 2011 - 6:45 PM

    Must have been an inspirational Thanksgiving 😉

  13. #21 by Bella on November 30, 2011 - 7:15 PM

    Dang, that poor soul is 85% lean and only $2.80? Lemme raid the price club for some of that. Humanburgers!!!

  14. #22 by Dave on December 1, 2011 - 6:21 AM

    buoyant orlando would have been as humorous

  15. #23 by Matty on December 1, 2011 - 10:44 AM

    Actually, the kettlebell is like a demonbell but scarier. On the upside, with every swing, you can have it kiss your grundle…

  16. #24 by Timmy F on December 1, 2011 - 12:47 PM

    Do you think Lizbeth is back to cutting herself after this?

    • #25 by delaforce on December 1, 2011 - 2:50 PM

      Only to feel alive.

  17. #26 by Scott Parson on December 1, 2011 - 2:43 PM

    Plastic workout toys!! Our free market economy continues the wussification of America, WTF! Anybody remember when you were a kid and you actually went outside and walked or biked somewhere to go play? Picking up huge ass rocks and destrominating them or tossing them as high and far out into the water as you could? Seeing who could pick up the big ass log laying out in the woods. Kids today have no fucking chance, plastic fucking workout toys…..give me a break!! On the bright side at least we have a use for the fat people with the new Paleo ground meat.

    • #27 by Dan Daugherty on December 2, 2011 - 9:47 AM

      Screw throwing the rocks out in the water. We threw them at each other!

      • #28 by Johnny Utah on December 2, 2011 - 12:12 PM

        ELEEET rock throwing…..somebody get Castro on Line # 1!!

      • #29 by Scott Parson on December 2, 2011 - 4:43 PM

        Been there done that too! Dirt clods were a fun alternative also, if you were lucky one would have a rock in it and not only did you have a cool visual but the fucker got a welt to go along with it!

  18. #30 by KAH on December 2, 2011 - 3:24 AM

    I just found your blog from a link on TTMJ. This site is awesome man great work, and keep it coming.

  19. #31 by Dr. Barry Hungwell on December 2, 2011 - 10:20 AM

    Is Yankee coming out with a CrossSlut scent?

    Combination of sweat, shame and astroglide.

  20. #32 by kristin on December 2, 2011 - 1:33 PM

    I was in a gym away from home a few weeks ago that had mirrors and had a similar revelation. I guess the absence of mirrors gives us the “evaluating form” excuse when taking pics…rather than the gratuitous douchebaggery of bragging via posting on FB. Nice.

    I also almost shed a tear for those fearless competitors while throwing a softball on the beach with my 6yr old son last week.

    Another effing sweet effort. Well done.

  21. #33 by nrhanson on December 3, 2011 - 1:32 PM

    Epic – If you haven’t seen this yet, than you don’t know the whole story about Wodtoys. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5F5beNS_FRI&feature=pyv

  22. #34 by Andy on December 4, 2011 - 1:00 AM

    Have to post. Have to. This is the second time I have gotten a case of the giggles like being stoned back in high school. The first was the Coach Knight ‘comment’ about opening one’s hips at the top of a squat or risk coming off as an ass-hat. Today, it started with the ROM sensor and coach bell. But what li me up the most was Robb Wolf Paleo Jitsu and Humanburgers. My abdominal region feels like I have been doing GHDs all day.

    Keep on Destrominating! It makes ‘it’ so much more fun 🙂

    • #35 by Andy on December 4, 2011 - 1:01 AM

      *lit me up…

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