Destrominate Training Plateaus

There comes a point in your training where the PR’s aren’t as huge as they used to be.  In some cases, you may go for a stretch where there are no PRs.  What is that, a slump?  Training plateau?  Don’t write that shit off like, “Meh.  I just haven’t been feeling it recently.”  That sounds like a mouth-queef to me and it means you’re ready for a sturdy cockpunch.

Told that ass.

When you started CrossFit there was an initial period where you were making huge gains in all areas of fitness because in the beginning, you were probably terrible.  This doesn’t apply to me because I’ve been a hardcock since my first CrossFit Kids WOD back in 1978: For time: Vagina escape, umbilical-cord descent, 1 burpee, 400m run (1:12 RX).  Suck it, n00bs.

The picture isn't accurate. I had a full beard at birth. And pubes.

What exactly causes training plateaus?  It could be a number of factors.  To diagnose the problem, take a step back and make an assessment of your training, nutrition and rest.  No shit, right?  I’ve developed an algorithm to identify and solve the problem.  It’s fairly simple.

Whoops!  For those of you who are offended at my usage of the word ‘gay’, just know that I am not referring to people who are good at interior decorating and adoption.  I use the word ‘gay’ in a manner to identify a lack of destromination in the gym, otherwise known as “being a fucking pussy”. 

Keep in mind, ‘Harden The Fuck Up’ does not mean be an idiot and train like an arrogant psycho who is impervious to injury.  It means to take control of all aspects of your life.  Train with intensity, but train smart.  Eat like a well-tuned machine for the purpose of athletic performance.  Rest is not to be ignored, either.  Many of you are like me and find it harder to take a needed rest day than saying, “fuck it, I’m going to the gym anyway.”  Going to the gym when you should be resting is a product of mental weakness and is counterproductive. 

A plateau is like your training has been put on hold.  Don’t just wait around to see if it gets better.  Identify your issues and make change.  You’ve got to figure out. 

Off-topic:  If you are literally on hold (on the phone) hang up, call back and select the option for Espanol.  You don’t even need to habla.  Fumble through the directions, get to the Spanish-speaking operator and say, “Sorry, I think I made a mistake.  Do you speak English?”  Of course they speak English.  And you just got to talk to a representative without waiting.  I’ve done this for years and I never get put on hold.  You’re welcome.

Por la destrominacion de la vida.

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  1. #1 by Dave on November 16, 2011 - 9:13 AM

    Destrominate is my new favorite word. I’m going to ensure I use it in a sentence in the office tomorrow.

  2. #2 by Jimmy on November 16, 2011 - 9:29 AM

    Additional solution to training-plateaus: get a (another?) hot chick in the gym.

  3. #3 by Matty on November 16, 2011 - 10:44 AM

    Dave, I think you mean “Destrominar”.

  4. #4 by Cory B. on November 16, 2011 - 11:14 AM

    Or perhaps Dave was intending to use the affirmative command conjugation “Destromináste”. Or, maybe he’ll be telling his amigos how bad he destrominated that TPS report: “Yo destrominió ese teh-peh-ese reportado, homes! CHUPALO!” Good on ya, Guero.

  5. #5 by Chris on November 16, 2011 - 11:24 AM

    Awesome… this is the most beastful blog on the planet. It took me a while to type this because i typed in one character per burpee. Destromination!

  6. #6 by Jimmy on November 16, 2011 - 12:25 PM

    Sorry, but ‘destrominaste’ would actually be the 2nd person familiar (tú) simple past form of ‘destrominar’. Rendered: You (homes) destrominated!

  7. #7 by DatNiggaTed on November 16, 2011 - 12:38 PM

    Fuck spanish.

  8. #8 by Cory B. on November 16, 2011 - 1:39 PM

    Got HEEEEM!

  9. #9 by volgawvCarol on November 16, 2011 - 2:04 PM

    Serious comment here: I have been guilty of the “stop ignoring rest days”. I finally hit the proverbial wall a few weeks ago and someone pointed out that I was at the gym almost every effing day. I am forcing myself to rest my body, get therapeutic massages and already feel SO much better in the gym and my performance is improving. My 2 cents. Thanks Epic for another great blog, love the bear cock punch picture….hilarious!

    • #10 by EPIC on November 17, 2011 - 2:10 PM

      The bear on the left is an actual bear. The bear on the right is me in a bear suit.

      • #11 by EPIC on November 17, 2011 - 2:11 PM

        Crap. That would’ve been a way better caption.

  10. #12 by Walter Ezell on November 16, 2011 - 9:40 PM

    The plateau flow chart should be added to every piece of training/sport literature there is.

  11. #13 by Pam on November 16, 2011 - 11:40 PM

    Brilliant. That is all.

  12. #14 by fatCARNAGEsloth on November 17, 2011 - 2:13 AM

    Holy fucking shit.. I am on hold with a bullshit airline company. I can not believe I read this while on hold.

    Pretty good article.

  13. #15 by jackson06 on November 17, 2011 - 10:02 AM

    Gay.

  14. #16 by droszyk on November 17, 2011 - 3:07 PM

    Another great post!! The algorithm above is the best I have ever seen. Maybe you should make one for the national debt and submit it to Obama.

  15. #17 by Jake on November 18, 2011 - 11:18 PM

    I enjoyed your wordy, around-the-cowshed answer in which you addressed the possibility of your never using “gay” in a derogatory way. Very BeastMode and to the point.

  16. #18 by Brett Andrus on December 10, 2011 - 9:55 AM

    I just destrominated some training plateaus on things that matter, like my power clean and back squat. Fuck yeah! Of course, I had to change to CFFB programming and start eating like an athlete to make it happen.

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