Harden The Fuck Up: Volume I

This week my bro, Timmy Francis, briefly pauses from life in shithole Afghanistan to destrominate another guest post for Beastmodal Domains.  He won’t even get to see the stupid pics and captions I added for a couple days because he’s too busy cockpunching the Taliban.     

—————————————————————————————————————————————————   

One of the best things about Crossfit is that it can take a lazy, slothful, societal waste and quickly turn him into a physically fit, active athlete.  It’s badass to see somebody who until recently was busy playing “Hide the Triple Stack” and searching for his wienermeat suddenly throwing down on a WOD. 

"I don't get it. Grapes are paleo, right?"

Crossfit has taught him he’s not the weak, beleaguered victim society wants him to think he is.  He’s actually a tough mother fucker that can go BEASTMODE and destrominate challenges he faces.  The transformation, however, can’t stop there.  You must always push your limits further.  Here are some people who laughed in the face of perceived limitations and any pissant obstacle that got in their way.

Muggsy Bogues had challenges (to include playing against Jordan's Hitler mustache).

During Roger Bannister’s time, collective wisdom began to doubt if running a sub four-minute mile was physically possible (Hicham El Guerrouj is cackling at this idea in the background).  Bannister, under some insane British amateurism rules and while going to fucking medical school, stepped out one blustery day and told collective wisdom and history to taste the underside of his Anglo-Saxon ballsack.  He broke that barrier thanks in part to a diet of 10x400s and a stiff upper lip.  Roger Bannister thinks arbitrary time limitations are for the French.

"An Englishman accomplished something athletic?" I know. Blows my mind, too.

Matt Kroczaleski broke the all time 220lb powerlifting record the day after he cut 35 pounds to make weight.  He totaled 2551lb with a 1003lb squat, 738lb bench, and an 810lb deadlift.  He accomplished all this while he worked as a pharmacist, standing on his feet 10-12 hours a day, being a single father, and getting four hours of sleep a night.  He also invented Kroc Rows wherein he one-arm rows more weight than you can bench and does it for high reps.  Kroczaleski says excuses are coward practice.

Kroczaleski's gym is as organized as your pubes.

My great-grandpa worked on the railroad until he was 30 or so.  He swung a sledgehammer 12 hours a day for years.  He decided that was soft as shit, so he wrapped pipes in asbestos using a bandana as protection from the intense carcinogenic effects of the asbestos until he retired.  He told cancer to get fucked and lived into his 90s.  You work out for 10 minutes, three days in a row and fear overtraining?  Grandpap and John Henry are calling you out.

Wisecracking on coffin dodgers will get you fucked up.

Lamar Gant worked nights as a janitor, stood 5’1″ tall and had one of the worst cases of scoliosis his doctors had ever seen.  This prevented him from deadlifting heavy, right?  Fuck your doubt.  Lamar Gant deadlifted 661lbs at a bodyweight of 132 lbs.  Do the math…that’s five times his body weight.  You don’t think you can add 10lbs to your PR?  Lamar Gant thinks ants need to shut the fuck up about strength-to-bodyweight ratio. 

His arms were normal length before the lift.

Bulgarian Olympic Weightlifters work out twice a day for six days a week, and each workout can be three hours long.  The program is designed to keep testosterone production peaked throughout the day.  Since testosterone is the coolest thing ever, the Bulgarians’ Olympic medal haul has been prodigious.  People have certainly gotten hurt from overtraining, but sure-as-shit nobody’s ever become elite by undertraining.  Oh you’re well rested?  Well, the Bulgarians trained twice while you relaxed and their insane testosterone levels think your rest day is as badass as your Team Jacob t-shirt.

You aren’t fragile.  Chances are your body can take whatever you’re about to put it through.  You’re a mother fucking animal.  Keep training like it.

Advertisements
  1. #1 by WODCAST (@WODcast) on November 2, 2011 - 9:25 AM

    To your point of taking the lazy and making them an elite athlete — this is true, but it also motivates the persona/psyche of the lazy individual, essentially making them a better, more productive asset to our society. This also hardens you the fuck up as a person in general and cannot be overlooked.

  2. #2 by Freddo on November 2, 2011 - 9:26 AM

    I need you as my coach. I’m a newbie at CrossFit, have been at it for about 6 mths. I know a lot of people make huge progress during a period of 6 months, however I haven’t seen it as yet. My friends say I look different, gee…maybe something is happening. I don’t know. All I do know is that my discipline has flown out the window; and although very enthusiastic about training, I’ve become lax lately. Staying way too late, eating a lot of sugar, well…maybe more than I should, but a whole lot less than I used to. Still I feel exhausted just from the warm-ups at the gym.

    Mind you now, I’m 56 years old. I’ve been working out since my late 20’s, while I was a dancer in NYC. CrossFit is great alternative to dancing. One because of the disciplinary demands it takes to train. I have that. My problem is the diet part. I try Paleo, however find that it’s very expensive and there’s a tremendous amount of cooking, neither of which I like very much. It’s getting better, but not quite there yet. I need help!

    So I follow you as my inspirational GET MY SHIT TOGETHER COACH. The language is a bit harsh for my delicate ears to muster, but I will. Thanks beastmodal.

    Freddo

    • #3 by EPIC on November 2, 2011 - 9:43 AM

      You answered your own question. You want more progress? Stop eating sugar and short changing your sleep. Sugar is for nancies and not sleeping is for infants. I’ll simply refer you to the title of this post. Being 56 has nothing to do with poor decisions. Own your shit and man up.

    • #4 by HonestAbe on November 2, 2011 - 5:07 PM

      Fully concur with Epic on this one. You are really ELITE at making excuses…now how about you take some of the time you spent whining about how hard it is and just do it. If not, I hear that there is a girls class starting soon: http://www.forgingelitesarcasm.com/2011/10/now-available-pussies-only-classes.html

  3. #5 by Johnny Utah on November 2, 2011 - 10:52 AM

    Good article….

    But it has to be asked, what is El Guerrouj’s Fran time?

  4. #6 by Justin Pearl on November 2, 2011 - 11:08 AM

    I agree that in most cases, people just need to shut the fuck up, go train, and stop eating crap. Anyone will make progress if they take the right action, and any lack of progress can be attributed, in some way, to something you’re doing wrong. Might be easier or harder for you than some people because of one reason or another; you had an injury while playing football in college, you’re older, you don’t have the time to cook or work out, whatever. There’s always a way to get the progress you want if you’re dedicated enough to put in the work. Me, I have to get up at 4AM if I want to stay on top of things at the office, have time with my wife/daughter after work, and be able to get my WOD in. Waking up at 4AM sucks, and it’s much easier to hit snooze and stay in bed another hour. Why am I not seeing the progress I want? Because I’m too busy? No, it’s because I usually fail to motivate my ass out of the bed at 4AM. My fault. Period.

    But it’s also very important that you pay attention to your body and be smart about pushing yourself. Know the difference between good pain (“man this SUCKS, I’m gonna hurt everywhere in the morning”) and bad pain. I had a back injury a few months ago and took a while to recover. Went to the box recently and the WOD that day involved deadlifts. “Sweet, haven’t done deadlifts in a while, this’ll be good.” I put about 2/3rds of my body weight on the bar for the warmup. Followed the coach in making sure my form was good. Did one rep, had a little bit of pain. “Ah, that’s not bad, I can push through that.” Another rep, slightly more pain. About 5 reps later and I’m dying. Had to spend the next day laying around. It’s now 3 weeks later and I’m *just* now able to bend over at the waist, hoping I’ll be able to touch my toes again soon. All because I’m an idiot and don’t know when to tell my body to suck it up and push through, and when to stop what I’m doing because I’ll sustain injury if I don’t.

    This has all basically been said before in a couple of previous blogs, but I think this is appropriate context. Human beings are not fragile, but we do need to be smart about pushing ourselves, especially if we individually have some parts that are more fragile than others.

  5. #7 by Michael Hopkins on November 2, 2011 - 12:42 PM

    Bro,

    Since the birth of my first child, I have found every excuse not to WOD. I haven’t destronimated a single thing. This article corrected my lack of initiative. Thank you.

  6. #8 by Mike on November 2, 2011 - 12:52 PM

    WHAT THE FUCK! Do these fucking whine ass cunts hear the shit coming out of their cock warmers? If you’re going to post a comment, don’t make it, “you’re right, I’m a dumb fuck that makes excuses”

    Man up, flip the switch, destrominate, whatever. Just do something.

    I fucked my leg up a lot like EPIC did and I worked the shit out of upper body and I kept up with my job at building goddamn power lines. Don’t stop doing stuff, that’s why retired people die.

    Stop being a fucktard and pick something up

    • #9 by dTRON on November 2, 2011 - 4:33 PM

      You must have strong legs from carrying that chip on your shoulder…

  7. #10 by cory on November 2, 2011 - 3:36 PM

    @mike
    Each of those comments were followed by a thank you for inspiration so you comment is invalid. If you wanted to brag about working through or around an injury and how awesome you are you could have just done that. Your comment was unproductive, ridiculously vulgar, and narcissistic. But on a positive note props for not giving up and continuing to kick ass.

    • #11 by EPIC on November 2, 2011 - 6:06 PM

      Cory’s on it. Highlights from the posts Mike is bashing: Justin Pearl – “My fault. Period.” Michael Hopkins – “This article corrected my lack of initiative.” Sounds to me like these guys are taking ownership of their own bullshit in order to correct their situations for the purpose of destromination. That’s the focus. Mouthfuck weakness and make it afraid of you. Everyone has their own crap issues to sort out. My issues are fucking awesome. If I don’t train hard, I feel like a wet puss. I hate that feeling and avoid it at all costs. The last time I couldn’t work out was the two weeks following surgery. Life sucked and I overcame it by getting better at Madden (you won’t beat me) and I started a fucking blog which got everyone’s mouths pregnant. You’re welcome.

      Either way, Mike’s point, while harsh, is vaild. I give him props for this quote – “Stop being a fucktard and pick something up.” That’s really the bottom line here.

      • #12 by Mike on November 2, 2011 - 7:09 PM

        Yeah, I might have been harsh. Do you want a pussy who isn’t over-confident building and maintaining the most important aspect of western civilization’s infrastructure(power lines)? Maybe you should tell the guys that repair your power service after a storm that they need to cool it on the swearing. We work long hours, in shitty weather, with dangerous shit all around us. I don’t ask for your sympathy, I demand your respect. I’m a Journeyman Lineman and I guarantee this is beyond elite. Thank you EPIC for letting me have my rant, it’s the testosterone that made me do it. Everyone else, go ahead and hate like haters do, but you’ll still be needing me when the lights go out.

        • #13 by HonestAbe on November 2, 2011 - 7:36 PM

          Mike, you weren’t too harsh…people use fuckwords all the time. What you were is something totally different: a self promoting douche who is too busy blowing himself and thinking about how awesome he is to notice what is going on around him.

          Thank you for what you do. Power is cool, but if I knew that you were going to need as much praise and attaboys as an Attention Whore Prom Queen then I would get my power elsewhere.

          Are you asking for thanks because you do your job in bad weather? Wait a second, bro, how about if you want to stay inside when it is windy and rainy then you get another job. If you want me to give you a reach around (which will be difficult since you are already deep-throating your own cock Marilyn Manson-style) because you are doing what your job requires then you can eat my sack. I really respected Linemen up until I read your writing. I thought they were cool because they were silent professionals; you are the opposite.

          And my final point: Thank God you are good at your job because you are just about useless at being a reasonable human being.

          • #14 by Mike on November 2, 2011 - 7:46 PM

            It’s ok for you to have gay feelings towards me honest abe. I’d fuck me.

  8. #15 by EPIC on November 3, 2011 - 11:24 AM

    Internet cat-fight in my comments section removed by request. Everyone needs to harden the fuck up and go lift something.

  9. #16 by Freddo on November 3, 2011 - 12:05 PM

    OK…I apologize, as should others, it is your blog after all, and I mean no disrespect. However my comment was valid. But for now suffice to say that I would rather CrossFit than have a virtual cat fight, much more productive.

    Lifting! Said in my best Charles Nelson Reilly impersonation. 😉

    • #17 by EPIC on November 3, 2011 - 3:21 PM

      I wasn’t offended. DESTROMINATE.

  10. #18 by Kristin on November 3, 2011 - 3:22 PM

    Enough of the disgusting fat ppl eating photos already! I suppose the pic of Kroczaleski almost made up for it, but the prior image left a mark on my psyche that may never go away. Thanks for that, Epic.

    Q: What’s more elite than an arrogant journeyman lineman?
    A: a humble one

    • #19 by EPIC on November 3, 2011 - 5:11 PM

      If you don’t like fat people pics, do not read next Wednesday’s post.

      • #20 by Kristin on November 4, 2011 - 9:23 AM

        Damn it, Epic. What this blog really needs is more pics of ripped men naked.

    • #21 by Timmy F on November 4, 2011 - 1:37 PM

      You know the best part of that Kroc pic? That bar looks bonkers, but you have to add about 250 more pounds onto it to get to his competition weight.

  11. #22 by Jonathan on November 4, 2011 - 1:38 AM

    I needed that.

  12. #23 by Dave on November 8, 2011 - 9:06 AM

    Check YouTube clip out from this fella

    Crossfit exercises don’t get you lean
    also
    check out his awesome fb page
    http://www.facebook.com/wetwolftraining

    • #24 by EPIC on November 8, 2011 - 10:24 AM

      someone linked this on my FB page. His smile and wink at the end make me want to climb into YouTube and punch his mouth loose.

      • #25 by dave on November 8, 2011 - 5:02 PM

        I believe that he is reading a script when you go back and watch the video he is reading left to right what a douche anyway. What is wet wolf? It is wet dog I own three dogs and wet dog smells like shit so that is what is program must be like wet stinky shit.

  13. #26 by allie on November 8, 2011 - 12:32 PM

    Never been to your blog before. I’m In love. This shit is epic.

  14. #27 by Freddo on November 8, 2011 - 4:24 PM

    Re: WetWolfTraining

    Yeah, I had it out with this dope on YT. He’s actually one of the guys who belong to the same marketing group that, I believe, comes out of Canada. I love Canada, so that has nothing to do with it, but I think that he belongs to a franchise of sorts., based in Canada.

    They all make the same claim, that’s basically bullshit. Things like, ” LOSE 300 POUNDS IN 30 DAYS!” What most intriguing is that they all have “THE” secret to weight loss and muscle gain. But only if you pay for….well, you get the idea. The thing is they all use the same formatting on their websites down to graphics and font…a dead giveaway. A few of the they are, Elliot Hulse of “Yo Elliot” fame and http://www.hulsestrength.com/lhm-squeeze-demo/, Lee Hayward of
    http://www.leanhybridmuscle.net/, Mike Westerdal, http://mammothstrength.com/guest-authors/mike-westerdal/. Go on YT an search for them, you start to see the connections.

    In all honesty they offer good information, and are very successful at what they do. However they are also businessmen, and their websites are all designed to grab as many customers as they can with their easy to get downloads. Believe me, I was one of the patsies. But not for long. I was also a trainer once, and know how the fitness world works. They don’t give a shit about results.

    Listen, I don’t care what their motives are, they’ve just found a way to make money, and everyone has to make a buck. Good for them. However what this guy says in his video really bit. He eventually blocked my because I started to ask him questions about his business (WetWolf), and yeah that cheesy wink and smile at the end of the video. His reply was that it (cheesy wink) was warranted, but that was never explained. OK, long and short, he’s a carbon copy fitness guy, who decided to attack CrossFit, but couldn’t defend himself in a challenge. Wish I could punch his lights out too, cheesy wink and all.

  15. #28 by Tony No Bread on November 9, 2011 - 11:01 AM

    As a former sloth myself, I resemble this post. CrossFit changed my life.

  1. I think coco water tastes good! «
  2. TJ’s Gym WOD for Sat. Nov. 5th « TJ's Blog
  3. Sunday 11/13/11 | Derby City CrossFit - Louisville, KY
  4. Happy Birthday Chris Y! | CrossFit Ansbach
  5. fitness[trainer/coach
%d bloggers like this: