My Take On Nutrition: Paleo Brownies Are Dumb.

I’m neither Paleo nor Zone.  However, I avoid grains and similar nasty shit and I do pay attention to portions.  I’ve read Cordain and Wolf and applied it.  But I don’t feel the need to say, “I’m Paleo”.  That’s ridiculous.  I’m not Paleo because it’s not fucking 10,000 years ago.  A friend of mine who is new to CrossFit is impressed with the program, but impervious to the kool-aid.  He calls Paleo “weight-watchers for men”.  It’s a noob’s observation that is pretty funny because let’s be honest: stressing over what you eat is for girls.  I don’t stress over what I eat.  I just eat clean.

Facebook status update: So totally bummed I ate that whole tub of cake icing. UGH! 😦

While I’m on the subject, Paleo dessert recipes are fucking stupid.  I don’t care if it’s Duncan Hines brownies or Robb Wolf brownies.  They’re still brownies.  If you want a snackycake, eat a real one.  I generally don’t eat that shit because I don’t want a set of floppy bologna tits.  Either way, does your body need this?  Cavemen did NOT swap Paleo brownie recipes because they were too busy fucking shit up, cock-punching mastodons and saving money on their car insurance.  Fact.

"Seriously, bro - these brownies taste like shit."

Since I’m not a nutritionist, I don’t know dick about nutrition.  However, I’m fit and ripped.  When I read anything on nutrition I am interested in the science but I really just want the “expert” to tell me what to eat.  Maybe you want the same.  Let’s pretend this is a shitty movie where the main characters swap bodies in order to live each other’s lives to get some lame ‘perspective’ and learn a lesson.  So tomorrow, my brain inhabits your body.

 

This is what your body will ingest (until we can unfuck the body-swap situation):

Breakfast (6:30am): Protein shake.  Yes, with dairy.  Kefir to be exact.  What’s Kefir?  It’s some weird yogurt-milk hybrid.  It has less lactose and twice the protein of regular milk.  I received this recommendation from no one.  My brain told me to do it when I read the nutrition facts on the bottle.  I think for myself.  You’re welcome.  I use enough Kefir and whey protein powder to equal 30-35 grams of protein.  Also, I eat an Orange.  It’s a low GI carbohydrate and makes you a winner.  A couple handfuls of raw spinach, proper dosing of Omega 3 fish oil and you’re out the door, coffee travel mug in hand.

I am the mighty Kefir. Milk fears me.

Lunch 1 (10am): Lean meat or fish (30-35 g of protein), a mountain of raw spinach and miscellaneous other vegetables.  Your co-workers will eat friedpooptaters marinated in caramelfucksauce from whatever lunch spot they’ve chosen.  They wonder why they have barrel asses.   

Lunch 2 (1pm): Same as above.  I (you) make a big thing of meat/fish and spinach w/ other veg and take that shit to work.  The amino acids in the meat will stay in my (your) bloodstream through the upcoming workout.  That’s so I (you) can piss all over everyone’s score on the whiteboard (figuratively speaking).  While my brain is in your body, I will not ruin your life.  That would be disrespectful.     

Post-workout (4pm): Another Kefir shake with protein powder (30-35g protein).  I think the Greeks drink Kefir.  May need to do some eyebrow trimming later.  Also, a baked yam gets destrominated.  The majority of my carbohydrates are ingested post-workout.  I read somewhere that I should do that.  Whatever.

Dinner (7pm): Whatever your wife cooks.  She betta don’t be making no bullshit.  Let’s get the veggies and lean meat or fish going on here.  Not much different from most of my meals.

Your wife is a terrible cook.

Once our bodies are switched back, we’ve both learned a lesson in perspective and limpdick movie plots.  Eat with a purpose: eat to train hard.  Get enough protein and vegetables.  I have no problem with the fact that there isn’t much culinary range to my diet.  When I feel like it, I go to a restaurant and eat whatever I want.  At regular people’s houses I eat regular people’s food and don’t put my pious food beliefs on them (that shit makes you look like an asshole).  Most importantly, I never eat this:

      

 

 

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  1. #1 by John Lohry on September 28, 2011 - 9:54 AM

    Another great article, Epic. Makes sense about not calling it paleo, primal, or whatever. I’ve just found that it’s easier to use those terms in trying to explain my personal nutrition. I have yet to meet anyone who eats 100% paleo…though I can agree that it’s best to eat as clean as possible. Just like you, if the wife and I go out one night on the weekend, even if it’s with the kids in tow, I will also eat whatever I want. I don’t usually crave any completely bad foods while we’re out, but I don’t make a big deal if I do have something that isn’t normally in my “good” foods. One meal once a week isn’t gonna kill anyone or undo all the hard work they’ve done to get where they are.

    Perhaps the biggest plus for me is, like you, I don’t mind the lack of variety in my daily meals. There’s always some sort of protein (eggs, chicken, beef, fish) and either spinach or kale for the most part. I alway make extra for dinner so I have leftovers for my lunches the following day. It’s easy…I know exactly what I’m gonna have when it comes time to eat.

    And all these paleo “desserts” are just a cheat way for people to still have their indulgences while trying to convince themselves that what they’re eating is healthy. I agree that it doesn’t make sense. I’ve seen some paleo recipe websites post dessert recipes on a daily basis…it’s like they don’t eat anything other than desserts all day long. How can that be good, paleo or not?

    • #2 by EPIC on September 28, 2011 - 1:00 PM

      Sorry it took me a while to reply, I was too busy getting called “GENIUS” by Robb Wolf on Twitter. http://twitter.com/#!/robbwolf

      Solid points, John. Food is fuel. Paleo desserts are some kind of bastardized concept for people to eat like shit and lie to themselves. Denial. If you want dessert, just eat fucking dessert.

  2. #3 by Timmy F on September 28, 2011 - 10:10 AM

    Feelin’ this. What’s the deal with bacon? I fucking love bacon, but it’s straight pig fat, bro. Still not convinced it’s good for you. Delicious…word. Healthy…word?

    • #4 by EPIC on September 28, 2011 - 1:04 PM

      I like bacon (eat it at least once a week). I disagree with the common paleo belief that you can eat as much bacon as you want. I’m not an expert though. Just make sure you are getting uncured bacon. Nitrites are bad for you (or something).

  3. #5 by Tony Bider on September 28, 2011 - 10:11 AM

    Simple logic! Eat clean. Now here me out for a second.. How do those bodybuilder get so ripped during their competition season? They eat clean. Great article bud.. I eat the same exact way.

  4. #6 by Larry Palazzolo (@scrawnyWOD) on September 28, 2011 - 10:19 AM

    Great post. Kefir is a great post-workout recovery drink. But where did you find Cock-flavored soup? That’s hilarious.

    • #7 by EPIC on September 28, 2011 - 1:06 PM

      When I was in prison I was forced to eat cock soup. I don’t recommend it but in the joint, you gotta survive.

  5. #8 by Dustin on September 28, 2011 - 10:25 AM

    The ending of this entry is fucking hilarious. Well done.

  6. #9 by Drywall @drywallcrossfit on September 28, 2011 - 10:33 AM

    I don’t need to eat two lunches, I just get it right the first time.

    • #10 by Dustin on September 28, 2011 - 11:39 AM

      awesome

  7. #11 by Jonathan on September 28, 2011 - 11:02 AM

    Paleo brownies are the result of eating 2-3 meals of lean protein and veg. Mmmmm, tender vittles.

    • #12 by EPIC on September 28, 2011 - 12:52 PM

      Well played.

  8. #13 by Andy G. on September 28, 2011 - 11:39 AM

    I’m proud to be your coach dude! Best post yet! Now if you will excuse my I’m going to smash some paleo cupcakes smothered in all natural cocksauce!

  9. #14 by Andy G. on September 28, 2011 - 11:46 AM

    Let’s all agree that the so-called paleo desserts are still better than the processed shit. Are they usually high sugar, detremental to fat loss and dangerous if you go beastmode on them, hell yeah! But its pretty badass when you just finished smashing fight gone bad and some hot crossfit chick comes up to you with some grainfree cookies! Embrace that shit but let go of the allussion that you are eating like a caveman. I practice paleo hygeine. I only shower once a week and never brush my teeth. Refer to me as Grok!

    • #15 by EPIC on September 28, 2011 - 1:12 PM

      I just researched how to go beastmode on paleo desserts. The only possible way to accomplish it is to feed the paleo desserts to fools you intend to murder and eat. Paleocannibalism is the final level of truth.

  10. #16 by Tracy on September 28, 2011 - 11:53 AM

    You made me laugh out loud more than once. Great article!

  11. #17 by Ali on September 28, 2011 - 12:39 PM

    AWESOME article. Not only did I laugh, but I realized the importance of actually using my own brain when making food decisions. I’ve been paleo for a while and am pretty good and eating what I want, when I want, but this article is just awesome. Let’s not be so uptight about upholding our image as paleo peeps, but rather, just run boss, eat clean and fuck shit up.

    • #18 by EPIC on September 28, 2011 - 1:13 PM

      Truth.

  12. #19 by Cat on September 28, 2011 - 1:44 PM

    I’m diggin’ the use your brain part of this. AND this is what I think I know (includes a comparison to sex..): Sweets are illegal if you are claiming a paleo lifestyle. Sex is illegal in the state of Virginia if you are not married (i’m pretty sure it’s illegal with the lights on even if you are married…and girl on top? forget it. you might as well be sodomizing her because it’s just as illegal). But, just because I shouldn’t do it doesn’t mean I’m not going to. It’s just a matter of whether I have any standards as to what I’m going to put inside me (of course i mean food). Personally, if I’m going to break the laws, I don’t want to feel cheap and disgusting afterwards. So I’ll partake in the baked goods made with nut flour over that whorish Little Debbie and I’ll choose a dude who’s attractive over one that looks like a pedophile off Law & Order…just sayin.

    • #20 by HonestAbe on September 30, 2011 - 10:35 AM

      Does anyone think that Cat comes across as less of an athlete and more of a whore? I am sure she is the kind of CF Groupie that walks into the gym with her shorty-shorts on just hoping to catch a guy’s eye…and then when that doesn’t happen (because most people go to the gym to workout, not to meet women-of-the-night) she gets all upset and posts a comment on a blog about sex and breaking the law. Look, sweetheart, I get…we all get it…you are in need of a “attractive dude” to break the law with (but we know you settle…because beggars can’t be choosers). I only wish that you had the brain power to understand that a post on Paleo has literally NOTHING to do with Virginia state law and how you like your sex.

      Your post is a great example of the people that are ruining CrossFit. To quote a great movie: I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.

  13. #21 by Steve on September 28, 2011 - 1:58 PM

    Love it, especially not pushing your food issues. I hate these fucks that run around preaching and pushing paleo like a religion and you’ll drop dead if you eat a slice of bread. CF Kids has a game “Pizza Delivery Guy” where one kid pretends to deliver a pizza while the others chase him to try to knock it out of his hand. If some little CrossFit fucking kid knocks pizza out of my hand I am decking his ass, I don’t care if he’s 10.

    Was at a powerlifting seminar and watched Matt Kroc, world record holder and 1000 lb squat swat 2 turkey sandwiches on fucking Wonder bread between breakfast and lunch. Dude has about 6-8% bodyfat and deadlifts 800 lbs, bread ain’t killing him…

    • #22 by EPIC on September 28, 2011 - 2:18 PM

      That CF Kids story is seriously frightening. It reminds me of… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hitler_Youth

      The Matt Kroc reference would prove me right with regards to Drywall’s comment above. Two lunches = destromination.

  14. #23 by Carol Hawkins on September 28, 2011 - 3:05 PM

    Wow, don’t know where to begin. Awesome and freaking hysterical article and informative. I just came from the doc’s office to get the results of my allergy testing. Turns out I am highly allergic to all dairy, assorted nuts, almonds and pistachios, my fav, flax seed and wheat!!. Moderately allergic to beef and chicken. OK with pork. I won’t bore everyone with the list that keeps on going. So now I have to stop and re-evaluate my diet. Fruits are a go except pineapple. Veggies are good. So after reading your article I am not feeling so bad about not eating desserts, paleo or other. Did Robb Wolf seriously write “Genius” on Twitter?? Love the responses too!

  15. #25 by Carol Hawkins on September 28, 2011 - 3:12 PM

    OK, majorly impressed, just saw it!!

  16. #26 by Garett on September 28, 2011 - 3:35 PM

    Great post. Very Funny!!!

  17. #27 by Razorstorm on September 28, 2011 - 4:03 PM

    Totally brilliant! haha!

  18. #28 by Samantha on September 28, 2011 - 4:40 PM

    This is absolutely awesome! So funny! You couldn’t be more right! I used to be uptight all the time while on Paleo, but now after reading this I’m like “Why the hell am I stressing about food?!”. Like you said, listen to YOURSELF and eat what your body wants, but of course keep it clean. Thanks!

  19. #29 by Nick on September 28, 2011 - 5:00 PM

    EPIC,
    What do you recommend to eat pre workout before a 6 am class. I have done a lot of research on this and so many different opinions on it. A lot of people go on an empty stomach but I have tried this and it doesn’t work for me. I usually get up an hour before to make some sort of breakfast, but I would like to hear your thoughts on this.

    Nick

    • #30 by EPIC on September 28, 2011 - 5:24 PM

      What I didn’t mention in the post is my morning workout (strength) is another reason for the kefir protein shake. Quick uptake by your system after not eating since the night before. Also, helps you get out the door fast because it takes no time to make. An Orange or two for low GI carb. If you’re not into dairy, kill ’bout 5 eggs, however you like em. I’ve tried intermittent fasting and training on an empty stomach and I agree, it sucks.

      • #31 by Steve on September 28, 2011 - 6:44 PM

        I have been IF following http://www.leangains.com and I workout, strength, some O-lift Skill work and a WOD on an empty stomach. He recommends taking a BCCA supplement, at least 10 mg. I have used Optimum’s Amino Vital and like that. Look for something, if you can find it, with a little protein, some carbs and BCCA’s if you go the supplement route

        • #32 by EPIC on September 28, 2011 - 8:11 PM

          I dig Berkhan’s concepts but am confused by his love for cheesecake. IF has its benefits, but I have compared data in my own performance from training fasted vs. fed. It didn’t improve performance.

          • #33 by Steve on September 29, 2011 - 9:04 PM

            Cheesecake confuses me in general, I’d much rather eat pizza…

            My strength came up and WOD times dropped so I like it. After 4 months I dropped 1:20 off my Heavy Grace and 47 sec off Grace. Need to test a Fran out after knee surgery but I’m Elite so I am sure I will finally get it under 12 Minutes

  20. #34 by AMS on September 28, 2011 - 6:01 PM

    Great post. I still need some more guidance tho. I eat clean, train hard, and pretty slim, but I love eating sweets. Like going beast-mode on a box of cookies or chocolates once, twice or even three times a week is a norm. Whats your opinion on sweets, besides getting bologna tits? Does it slow down performance, increase lactic acid, or what?

    • #35 by EPIC on September 28, 2011 - 8:05 PM

      It is impossible to go BEASTMODE on sweets. That’s my opinion. Sugar is to be avoided. There is a ton of science behind it, look up Sugar: The Bitter Truth on youtube (Robert Lustig, M.D.). I don’t have much of a sweet tooth, but I’m not perfect. I have a whiskey tooth. However, I exercise control in order to facilitate performance and be a dick about beating others in the gym. Thats effin sweet.

      • #36 by droszyk on September 28, 2011 - 9:12 PM

        Sugar: The Bitter Truth is an awesome wealth of information on what sugar does in your body and how horrible it is in mass quantities. Its a little long but highly recommended.

    • #37 by HonestAbe on September 30, 2011 - 10:50 AM

      Wait. Are you saying that you eat clean yet you eat three boxes of cookies a week? You might want to reevaluate what you mean when you say that you “eat clean.”

      Also, I am just going to assume that you are joking about wondering if sweets are good for you.

  21. #38 by Matt Hart on September 28, 2011 - 7:41 PM

    So well written. Very fun, and true.
    I think however you have overlooked the fact that some paleo deserts taste good. If they taste good and I can pronounce the ingredient list because it’s all whole foods…. psuedo paleo foods maybe, but still better than the chemical concoctions the major food companies produce. I would in fact rather eat honey than high fructose corn syrup. But when I eat either version, I’m not kidding myself, they are both desert.

  22. #39 by Carol Hawkins on September 28, 2011 - 8:00 PM

    @ AMS….I have the same problem. I have done some research on sugar and besides messing with you cortisol levels it is just plain toxic to your gut! It is a tough addiction to break but I am working on it! Moderation is the key but when it comes to sugar less is better!

  23. #40 by Justin Pearl on September 30, 2011 - 7:31 AM

    “Friedpooptaters marinated in caramelfucksauce” is pretty awesome.

    One question: In this body-swap situation, does the coffee in my travel mug have some manner of sweetener/creamer, or is it black? If it’s the latter, my body may involuntarily spit it out all over the beautifully appointed interior of my aging 15 year old PieceOfShit on the way to work.

    Seriously though. I’ve tried to enjoy black coffee but it’s just too bitter. I use aspartame or Splenda, but I’ve read about artificial sweeteners triggering an insulin response which (of course) we all want to avoid.

    • #41 by EPIC on September 30, 2011 - 10:02 AM

      I’m with you. I tried to get into black coffee, with all it’s complexities and nuances of flavor. Fine blends from exotic lands where people make clicking sounds instead of talking. Fuck that. It tastes like shit. I just put some half and half in there. No sugar, because I’m sweet enough. Sugar is terrible, I don’t think it fucking matters if you put a little bit in there. It’s definitely better for your body than what I call “robot sugar” (aspartame, sucralose or saccharine).

  24. #42 by Nathan Greaves on September 30, 2011 - 4:38 PM

    Ive linked nearly everyone I know to this article. Fucking hilarious bro. I love the Paleo principles, but people need to think for themselves. After applying paleo principles I found I was intolerant to a helluva lot of shit, but I added stuff that “isnt paleo” back into my daily destromination routine. Papa cant live without no milk!!

    • #43 by EPIC on September 30, 2011 - 10:30 PM

      Thanks for the links. That’s what will make this site good. I’ll continue to impregnate the community with my logicwiener. Strict Paleo is what I’ll do when I’m an old coffindodger not concerned with athletic performance. It doesn’t fully work for my destromination goals, but I do think it is beneficial for longevity.

  25. #44 by john on October 3, 2011 - 9:37 AM

    I was laughing so hard reading this !

  26. #45 by julibauer on October 3, 2011 - 10:46 PM

    I really REALLY like you. You’ll hate my blog but I now love yours. Thanks for being a normal badass human being. All the dudes at my gym are all about you now. Weird but cool still.

    • #46 by EPIC on October 3, 2011 - 10:53 PM

      I don’t hate your blog at all. I just wish it had less recipes and more curse words.

      • #47 by julibauer on October 3, 2011 - 10:59 PM

        You write back incredibly quickly. Proud of you. I’ll work on cursing more, it’s a specialty of mine in my normal daily living but i try to cut it down in my blog. Dumb. I’m going to actually read your blog, I rarely read others. I linked you on my PaleOMG fbook page!! Don’t get too excited.

  27. #48 by Eichelle Ashley on October 6, 2011 - 5:54 AM

    Love it comedy and honest, no bullshit advice

  28. #49 by Becky Emmons on October 6, 2011 - 2:47 PM

    Destrominate is my new favorite verb. Thank you for being awesome, and seriously where did you get such a creative and spicey vocabulary?

    Paleo works for me, but being paleo while in college is really difficult, time consuming and expensive, especially when you try to incorporate IF. So I’m trying the best I can with what I’ve got. The problem is snack foods. When I’m in the library all night studying, I get really hungry. I can’t just zip back to my apartment for a snack and then back to the library, that wastes too much time. And it also sucks to have to carry food around with you all day on your back, though I suppose that makes it more paleo. Hah! But seriously, the only thing that I can think of that you can just buy at the store and carry with you is beef jerky, fruit and nuts.

    Sugar sticks to me like glue; I can tell instantly on my tummy when I’m eating too much sugar… so I try to avoid fruit. And that leaves jerky and nuts. Nuts are good, but you’re only supposed to have a handful and that’s not very filling when I’m studying 5 to 8 hours at a time. And I would make snacks, but like I said… no time. Any suggestions oh non-paleo master?

  29. #51 by Andre Pulizzi on October 25, 2011 - 12:52 AM

    How do you feel about Diet Rockstar instead of Coffee? I don’t like coffee, but I do love me some caffeine…

  30. #52 by Tawni on October 27, 2011 - 12:45 AM

    This is awesome. Loved it

  31. #53 by duncan on November 9, 2011 - 6:16 AM

    Todavia necesito aprender mas sobre este tema para poder seleccionar la opcion mas sensata para mi. Actualmente busco informacion sobre lo que llaman de la “dieta dominguera”.

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