I’m neither Paleo nor Zone. However, I avoid grains and similar nasty shit and I do pay attention to portions. I’ve read Cordain and Wolf and applied it. But I don’t feel the need to say, “I’m Paleo”. That’s ridiculous. I’m not Paleo because it’s not fucking 10,000 years ago. A friend of mine who is new to CrossFit is impressed with the program, but impervious to the kool-aid. He calls Paleo “weight-watchers for men”. It’s a noob’s observation that is pretty funny because let’s be honest: stressing over what you eat is for girls. I don’t stress over what I eat. I just eat clean.
While I’m on the subject, Paleo dessert recipes are fucking stupid. I don’t care if it’s Duncan Hines brownies or Robb Wolf brownies. They’re still brownies. If you want a snackycake, eat a real one. I generally don’t eat that shit because I don’t want a set of floppy bologna tits. Either way, does your body need this? Cavemen did NOT swap Paleo brownie recipes because they were too busy fucking shit up, cock-punching mastodons and saving money on their car insurance. Fact.
Since I’m not a nutritionist, I don’t know dick about nutrition. However, I’m fit and ripped. When I read anything on nutrition I am interested in the science but I really just want the “expert” to tell me what to eat. Maybe you want the same. Let’s pretend this is a shitty movie where the main characters swap bodies in order to live each other’s lives to get some lame ‘perspective’ and learn a lesson. So tomorrow, my brain inhabits your body.
This is what your body will ingest (until we can unfuck the body-swap situation):
Breakfast (6:30am): Protein shake. Yes, with dairy. Kefir to be exact. What’s Kefir? It’s some weird yogurt-milk hybrid. It has less lactose and twice the protein of regular milk. I received this recommendation from no one. My brain told me to do it when I read the nutrition facts on the bottle. I think for myself. You’re welcome. I use enough Kefir and whey protein powder to equal 30-35 grams of protein. Also, I eat an Orange. It’s a low GI carbohydrate and makes you a winner. A couple handfuls of raw spinach, proper dosing of Omega 3 fish oil and you’re out the door, coffee travel mug in hand.
Lunch 1 (10am): Lean meat or fish (30-35 g of protein), a mountain of raw spinach and miscellaneous other vegetables. Your co-workers will eat friedpooptaters marinated in caramelfucksauce from whatever lunch spot they’ve chosen. They wonder why they have barrel asses.
Lunch 2 (1pm): Same as above. I (you) make a big thing of meat/fish and spinach w/ other veg and take that shit to work. The amino acids in the meat will stay in my (your) bloodstream through the upcoming workout. That’s so I (you) can piss all over everyone’s score on the whiteboard (figuratively speaking). While my brain is in your body, I will not ruin your life. That would be disrespectful.
Post-workout (4pm): Another Kefir shake with protein powder (30-35g protein). I think the Greeks drink Kefir. May need to do some eyebrow trimming later. Also, a baked yam gets destrominated. The majority of my carbohydrates are ingested post-workout. I read somewhere that I should do that. Whatever.
Dinner (7pm): Whatever your wife cooks. She betta don’t be making no bullshit. Let’s get the veggies and lean meat or fish going on here. Not much different from most of my meals.
Once our bodies are switched back, we’ve both learned a lesson in perspective and limpdick movie plots. Eat with a purpose: eat to train hard. Get enough protein and vegetables. I have no problem with the fact that there isn’t much culinary range to my diet. When I feel like it, I go to a restaurant and eat whatever I want. At regular people’s houses I eat regular people’s food and don’t put my pious food beliefs on them (that shit makes you look like an asshole). Most importantly, I never eat this: