CrossFit Shirts No One Will Ever Wear

I’m not going to focus on making fun of existing CrossFit shirts because they pretty much get the job done on their own.  Here’s an example of a shirt which contradicts itself by proclaiming mediocrity and then boasting eliteness:

I get it.  CrossFitters are well-rounded.  But let’s not brag about doing things better than those who don’t do the things we are bragging about.  Did you know I’m better than your grandfather at bladder control?  I am also better than the homeless at being comfortable.  Who fucking cares?  Thanks to Rafy Cabrera for the pic. 

Making fun of existing CrossFit shirts has been mastered by Drywall, so I’ll attempt something else.  I’ve stripped away the self-aggrandizing snobbery and double entendres in exchange for something unfamiliar:  honesty.   

Aw, man- keep doing sumo-deadlift highpulls and eating bacon.  You’ll be ripped in no time.

Suckas at parties who don’t do CrossFit are easy victims for your fitness pontificating.  ‘Specially the chubby ones.

Maybe you can afford it, but gray, boring and expensive should be left to Lululemon.  Where are the Goddamned INFIDEL shirts we loved so much?

Because when I occasionally eat mufuggin pizza or Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I don’t wanna hear shit from you.  Unless you can beat my Fran time.  Speaking of religion and Fran:

Don’t get offended, it’s just that Ramadan goes too far with the concept of intermittent fasting.  Mohammed got tired from lack of nutrition, and Jesus took the lead in the round of 15’s.  Christianity gets a fist-bump!

This next one is a play on the shirt by Life As RX, pictured below.  While I like the concept, I disagree with the notion that CrossFitters (a). deadlift enough to brag about it on a shirt and (b). actually drink milk.   

Here’s your version of truth:

Props to Gary “Sumo” Holaso of CrossFit GSS for the sweet Med Ball Clean pic. 

I would actually wear this next one.  Effin sweet, no?

Of course, I can’t forget about the ladies… 

 Keep that to yourself, honey.  Do what your coaches tell you or you risk being categorized as… annoying.

You got your front-meat upgraded?  Props to the ladies who choose surgery.  An increase in self-confidence isn’t the only benefit.  Your new-found decrease in range-of-motion means you can compensate for a lack of upper body strength.  Tits!

Everyone has their reasons.  Keep training hard and curtail the cat ownership, toots.  Because the saying “He’ll love you no matter what” was invented by Oprah.  And she’ll never find happiness.

This is how I see any shirt that makes jokes about snatches, racks and jerks.  Pro tip for the ladies:  men don’t need a shirt slogan to think about you that way.  Stop trying so hard.

Since only about three of you actually contemplated buying one of the above shirts, I regret to inform you there is no way to get one.  I’m not actually selling them.  Enjoy the rest of your week and train hard.

  1. #1 by John Lohry on August 31, 2011 - 2:45 PM

    LMFAO! While this article won’t help make me strong, faster, or generally better at life, it sure as hell made me laugh my ass off. Great stuff Epic!

    • #2 by EPIC on August 31, 2011 - 3:40 PM

      Yeah, I was taking a break on information of value this week. I’ll be back to circumspect training advice on the next one! Glad you got some chuckles.

  2. #3 by Dustin on August 31, 2011 - 2:46 PM

    hilarious shirts, funny blog dude.

  3. #4 by Carol Hawkins on August 31, 2011 - 2:49 PM

    My favorite is I bet Jesus had a better Fran time….Christianity gets a fist pump. Oh my God, I am all over the place on that one. Your comments under each shirt are as always amazingly funny. My only complaint I have is your little dig on LuluLemon……I love that store. All of us who spend there are helping this crappy economy! 🙂

    • #5 by EPIC on August 31, 2011 - 3:38 PM

      I don’t have a problem with Lululemon because they are doing their thing and stacking paper. Good on ’em, I drinks no haterade. I’m just glad I’m not a girl so I don’t feel obligated to spend a hundred bucks on booty shorts.

      • #6 by John Lohry on August 31, 2011 - 4:20 PM

        Lol, I was wondering who would be the first to pounce on your LuluLemon dig. Sorry, Carrol, but it was funny 😉

  4. #7 by brandylpeterson on August 31, 2011 - 3:26 PM

    Haha this was fun while it lasted.

    • #8 by Super "Elite" Man (Yes, Elite is my middle name) on August 31, 2011 - 4:00 PM

      Don’t worry…I hear Epic will be back next week!

  5. #10 by Walter Ezell on August 31, 2011 - 4:14 PM

    So much win. And so damn true. Should have added the strong is the new skinny shirt. Ok beast-woman, whatever helps you justify your penis.

  6. #12 by captncol on August 31, 2011 - 4:20 PM

    i would like the huge boobs make push ups easier. its funny because its true

  7. #13 by Drywall CrossFit on August 31, 2011 - 4:20 PM

    This post is like a sore dick. It’s tough to beat.

  8. #14 by Wild Gorillaman on August 31, 2011 - 6:17 PM

    Only gas mask and baby jokes could have topped what you have done here. Top shelf work.

  9. #15 by Jeanette on August 31, 2011 - 9:08 PM

    Love love love it!!! way to change it up Epic!!

  10. #16 by stephen seyller on August 31, 2011 - 9:47 PM

    john lohry: if it made you lmao – u just got better at life

    • #17 by John Lohry on September 1, 2011 - 6:44 AM

      Very true 🙂

  11. #18 by Andy G. on August 31, 2011 - 10:34 PM


  12. #19 by Pär Larsson on September 4, 2011 - 8:30 PM

    Dude! I’d wear the purple one!

  13. #20 by carol rice on September 7, 2011 - 9:53 PM

    Thank you for my daily guffaw… hilarious!

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