Essential Mobility While Watching The Jersey Shore

Back in April, whole9life.com introduced an initiative called “Kill Your TV”.  They urged readers to “unplug from the pseudo-reality that is your television screen, take back those hours mindlessly devoted to spectatorship, and become a participant in your own life.”  What the cock is that shit?

I'm with you on that, Google.

I think I saw “Kill Your TV” on a t-shirt worn by this goth broad in my high school.  Instead of watching television she pretty much just did coke and gave blow jobs to angst-ridden, skeevy dudes.  I guess those are more productive activities.  I have no problem watching a lot of television because it’s fucking awesome.  I stay more elite than the fatties by getting off the couch and working mobility and myofascia release.

I work my mobility issues, get busy with the foam roller and lacrosse ball all during the span of an episode of Jersey Shore.  I’m not ashamed to admit I watch because my reason for doing so is solid: by tuning in to the Jersey Shore, I immediately convert my television into a retard aquarium.  I love watching those dickheads kill their brain cells and mate with other dickheads.  Regardless of what’s on, this post will give you a protocol to improve your mobility while you relax at home.

Fucking idiot.

I check Kelly Starrett’s Mobility WOD every so often.  Clearly, this is a huge resource filled with tons of mobs.  No other site comes close.  But the goddamned amount of material makes my Attention Deficit Disorder kick in.  Where the fuck do I start?  I use specific mobs for specific joint issues, but I want to know what mobs we should be doing every day, regardless of our individual issues.  So I asked one of my coaches, Sean Ploskina (mobility expert at my gym), to identify a list of essential joint mobilizations we should all be doing, daily.  Keep in mind:

  • Joint mobilization and stretching are two different things.  Learn the difference here.
  • While the following mobs are basic, each person has their own individual mobility issues.  Research specifics and address your needs accordingly.
  • Foam rolling and lax ball shit will be featured in a future post.

Do the following mobs everyday for 2 minutes (each side).  As you work through each one, make sure you are hunting for those nasty areas and be bold while working through them.  Just don’t injure yourself.

1. Ankle/calf.  Kelly Starrett’s MWOD video showcases the mob, watch here.  A good video for various Achilles and dorsiflexion issues, but this particular stretch is demo’d at the 6:10 mark.  Also, KStarr spends the entire video wearing a weighted vest for no fucking reason (BEASTMODE).       

2. Hip/Hamstring.  This Mobility WOD video addresses the stretch (3:19 mark), and other straight leg posterior chain tricks. 

3. The couch stretch (not a Greg Glassman joke).  KStarr’s video on this is important for addressing a lot of lower body issues.  Go to the 2:00 mark for the couch stretch demo.  If you’re from a culture of people who do not have couches in their homes (terrorists, Buddhists and heroin junkies) you can use a wall, as Sean shows in the pictures below.   

4. Knee/hip.  KStarr’s video demo focuses on the pigeon using the ground (2:50 mark), while Sean’s picture below shows how to do this on an elevated level.  You choose.

5. Shoulders/lats.  The Mobility WOD video explains why it will improve your overhead positioning.  Watch the whole thing or let your A.D.D. kick in and go to the 2:17 mark.  This one isn’t as effective without a band, but you can use some MacGyver shit at home to get it done.  Just stay palm up. 

6. Shoulder external rotation.  I couldn’t find a KStarr video on this one.  If you can find it, post to comments.  Sean refers this one as the “douchebag shoulder fix”.  Focus on externally rotating the shoulders and applying force with your body in the opposing lateral direction of the hand behind your back.  A door jamb works well for this. 

7. Shoulder/Chest.  Here’s one many of have done before.  Starrett gives some good info on many processes of the shoulder and demos the stretch at 1:40.  Also, there is a child in a box in the back of his garage during the video.   

Use the above as a basic guide for overall joint mobilization and address your specific issues through the use of mobilitywod.com.  Every night, peel your barrel ass off the couch and do some shit that will prepare you to DESTROMINATE tomorrow’s WOD.  Between that, stretching, foam rolling and working the lax ball you’ll be busy for at least an hour.  So when hippies try to make you feel bad for watching television, tell them to go suck fat dongs.

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  1. #1 by Tim on August 24, 2011 - 2:38 PM

    Door jamB, idiot. God, can we get the guy from last week back?

    • #2 by Tim on August 24, 2011 - 2:39 PM

      Also, I’ma do some o’ dis.

    • #3 by EPIC on August 24, 2011 - 2:59 PM

      Fuck you, college grad, I fixed it. That’s what I get for not having Tom proofread my shit before posting.

  2. #4 by Griffington on August 24, 2011 - 3:03 PM

    Drywall sent me.

    • #5 by EPIC on August 24, 2011 - 3:39 PM

      Whoa, there – Drywall sent you?. We loosely follow ‘weight-watchers-for-men’ (Paleo) on this site, so take it with a grain of grains. Thanks for stopping by.

  3. #6 by Adam Kayce on August 24, 2011 - 4:43 PM

    #6, Shoulder External Rotation – it’s in “Darth Shoulder” : http://www.mobilitywod.com/2010/08/darth-shoulder.html

  4. #7 by doghousepetportraits on August 24, 2011 - 5:37 PM

    another entertaining but very informative/useful post! and for the record i couldn’t agree more with your opinion on whole9’s kill your tv. i love watching tv and if i’m active everyday and that’s how i choose to wind down, i could give a shit if you judge me for it. i need my real housewives on bravo. they keep me grounded.
    i also agree with you on kstar….his info is awesome but damn if he doesn’t try and fit a lot in and i find myself zoning out without getting the full message.
    great demo shots Big Sean!
    Kristin

  5. #8 by Carol Hawkins on August 24, 2011 - 8:15 PM

    Kristin….you watch Housewives???? J/K…no judging from someone who watches Cupcake Wars and the Cake Boss. Agree with Kristin, another thoroughly lmao article. Appreciate the demo by Sean. I am a visual learner. Need to incorporate these mobilization/stretching exercises more often. Keep them coming!

  6. #9 by Gloria on August 24, 2011 - 8:21 PM

    I actually hate tv…I don’t even have cable or anything. lol I do, however, own a 52″ LED tv and surround sound, etc. It’s ridiculous, but it was a father’s day present. People tell it’s a waste, but hey, whatever, lol. My kiddos do love to watch a cartoon here and there, though, so I’ll probably do this when they’re glued to Cars…

    I really like your posts, though…the humor and information make it fun to read and also make me realize how much I need to incorporate into my everyday and work on to become better at crossfit. 🙂

  7. #10 by John Lohry on August 24, 2011 - 8:42 PM

    Perfect! Coach Sean directed me to this site some time ago, and I’ve found found it very informative. I’ve fumbled through KStarr’s site a lot, never quite sure of where to start and simply picking whichever seems to address a particular issue I may be dealing with at that time. I like that you’ve identified those keep stretches we should be doing every day, and I do these plus several others regularly which watching the television in the evening. I can’t bring myself to watch that mind-numbing Jersey Shore, however,…just can’t do it. History, Discovery, or the Military Channel…unless, of course, the wife wants to watch Big Brother 😦

  8. #11 by Sarah A on August 25, 2011 - 6:19 AM

    Epic! So xxx-cited to see this MWOD entry! I’ve done these, but in the past only worked what was causing issues. Spent lots of time searching kstarr’s page for THE ideal woddie. Though I don’t watch TV as a general rule (John – Jerry and I are definitely on board with your lineup – currently working our way through The Universe on Netflix), MWOD doesn’t have to coincide with vegetation! On my rest days I like to dedicate an extra long chunk of time to my sticking points, and as often as possible I turn down the lights, poo in an Enigma CD and incorporate MWOD into a sort of meditation. The pain is awesome for clearing my head! Transcendence through couch stretch? I’m down! Anyway, I’ve turned several friends onto MWOD and seen it work wonders, but lately I myself have failed to follow my own advice. Which, considering my recent bout of injuries proves I’m a total fucktard. 😛 Thanks for the extra push. Can’t wait to hear your advice on foam rolling and trigger point – items I need to learn to be more effective with. Oh just as an aside … you spelled our local mobility god’s name wrong. You should probably buy him a beer. 😉

    • #12 by EPIC on August 25, 2011 - 10:49 AM

      Good stuff. Thanks for pointing out my mistake on Sean’s last name. I’ve fixed it and owe him one. Speaking of spelling mistakes- what, exactly do you do with the Enigma CD? I haven’t reached a point where I find mobility work that relaxing.

      • #13 by Sarah A on August 25, 2011 - 1:44 PM

        OMG Fucking FAIL…. Wow…. That’s what I get for posting on my Droid while still only half-awake (and driving)…. and not proofreading… FAIL FAIL FAIL

  9. #14 by Fern on August 25, 2011 - 12:36 PM

    good stuff Epic. sorry i haven’t posted in a while, i’ve been continuing my journey to gather the most useless qualifications to my profession! Everything is on point in the article as usual but i think it is important to note the overall message of the MWOD. treating symptoms is a recipe for failure and injury. the idea is to evaluate (test/retest) your overall ROM as an athlete in order to identify flaws in your own movement. once you realize you lack mobility in a certain area you need to attack it upstream and downstream of the deficiency. same goes for injruy. you have to create slack through the entire system in order to become a more efficient more powerful athlete. i think we will see that crossfit will start rewarding the people with the most efficient movement (technique/ROM) and not just raw power output. both are important but one is dependent on the other. i live by the MWOD, 30 days of it jumped my snatch balance up 100lbs, just simply by being able to hit the proper position. good shit brother!

    • #15 by EPIC on August 25, 2011 - 12:50 PM

      Good to hear from you as always. Solid point about the test and retest for overall ROM. With regards to injury, I asked medical professionals about what I can do to ensure I don’t reinjure my achilles as well as performing preventative maintenance on the healthy one. Didn’t get any decent answers. KStarr addressed that in the Heel Cord MWOD (1st link). Shit I wish I would’ve been aware of back in June…

  10. #16 by Walter Ezell on August 26, 2011 - 1:31 PM

    CTO sure does have a lot of shaved chests.

  11. #17 by Sean on August 27, 2011 - 7:53 AM

    Walter, I’m still waiting on puberty don’t judge me.

    Fern is right about focusing on your problems first. I picked these because they will address most of the common issues people have in the course of training.

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