Lolz, bro. The shirt pictured above is funny and you can purchase it from our friends over at Life As RX. Why is an elliptical like a fat chick? They’re fun to ride, but you don’t want your friends to catch you on one. Buh dum bum tish! Wait a second: what, exactly, is wrong with the elliptical? Besides the fact that you look stupid when using it. While this post begs for ridicule, I’m looking for those who are smarter than me to answer a stupid question I have about CrossFit.
This one in particular, has puzzled me for years. I’ve never asked because I didn’t want to get cockpunched and chased out of the box. Why, in CrossFit, are ellipticals something that would inspire such mockery (besides the negative connotations associated with the average user of the machine)?
Let me try to anticipate some knee-jerk responses to the question:
1. “Ellipticals are globo-gym bullshit.” True, but there’s got to be more to it than that. You can find barbells and weights in a globo-gym and we use those, don’t we? That coach just got his Level 1 Cert. Awwww, aint he cute?
2. “We don’t do cardio.” Huh? Then what the fuck is www.crossfitendurance.com ? Credit goes to Drywall for pointing out that gem. If Brian McKenzie can bring variance and high intensity to a treadmill, he can do it for an elliptical. That guy could program for anything, even a unicycle.
3. “There is a lack of functionality in the movement”. Now we’re talking. Wait, C2 Ergs have been ordained by CrossFit to be functional because it’s… like rowing a boat? So glad I do CrossFit in case I have to get away from zombies and all I have is a fucking crew racing boat. Airdyne bikes have migrated from MMA gyms to some CrossFit affiliates recently. Airdynes are like riding bikes but with broken handle bars. How functional is that? The elliptical mimics Cross Country Skiing (not really, but whatever).
If you guys can’t help me out on this, I’m going to have to do research in the mainstream fitness realm. That should be worth a chuckle. Here we go: In the December 2008 issue of Men’s Health they caution the user by quoting a study that found the ellipticals over-estimated the number of calories burned in a workout by 31%. Oh dear! Now I’m going to have to switch to skim milk in my Starbucks Suckacockalatte!
I’m lost. In CrossFit we make fun of cardio machines and their users like the gerbils on wheels that they are. At least they aren’t on the couch. In the words of Brian Wilson of Potomac and Patriot CrossFit, “What’s the best workout program? Whichever one you will do.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to quit making fun of globo-gyms and ellipticals. I just want to make sure I have sturdy reasoning for doing so. The self-righteous douche-baggery and elitist attitude of our community serves none of us and inspires the mainstream to discredit the value of our program. While that may not matter, let’s put ourselves in-check and have solid proof if we choose to poke holes in their methods.
Why do I really believe an elliptical machine will never be seen in a CrossFit box? Those fuckers cost 2,000-5,000 bucks per unit. No owner would shell out that kind of scratch when a C2 costs around $1,000. Beyond that, it seems as though we call ellipticals gay just because we can. Whatever your reason, speak up. Coaches are always prompting you to post to comments, now a client is turning the mirror on them.
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