A couple weeks ago at the OC Throwdown comp, Ronnie Teasdale flipped his shit. You’ve seen the YouTube clip where at 4:13 he gets no repped for catching it on the bounce, at 4:22 he throws the barbell towards the judge, then at 4:25 he gives her the “outta my way” shove. Next, you get some protesting and another barbell toss. No one did anything. But what happens next will shock you.
Off-camera, he goes apeshit and pulls out double samurai swords and starts decapitating EVERYONE. Straight rage which lives up to those shorts he stole from the Incredible Hulk. Next, he quickly converts a weight vest into a suicide bomber vest and blows the whole place up. The suicide vest was pointless because everyone was already decapitated, but sometimes you gotta put an exclamation point on shit.
I made fun of his daisy dukes and then my head went missing.
Teasdale tried to cheat, got busted and threw a temper tantrum. It wasnt the only bullshit that happened at that competition, so no one should be surprised that he got away with it. If the head judge let him act like that, and he was allowed to continue, it’s their fault. Who fucking cares? I liked it better the first time I saw it when it was called “Every Second Counts” aka the 2008 Games WSOE. Matt Murski did the same bounce-catch bullshit and got called out by Dave Castro (sorry, N00bs- you have to be Prebok Crossfit to get that reference). If you do stupid shit, and you get caught, STFU (duh). Here’s me right before the last time I got arrested:
There is so much ridiculous shit going on in CrossFit right now, I’m having a hard time keeping up (while simultaneously giving a fuck). But it’s my duty to make jokes, so lemme slay some topics rapid-fire style:
4Reelz Productions (I got douche-chills typing that) made a docudrama which attempts to be funny by dusting off those played-out CrossJokes. “WOD Diaries centers around four females in a fun and humorous way as they try to get in their WODs and while managing their personal relationships in and out of the box”. So basically, “Sex And The City” but the CrossSluts explain to regular sluts that “doing Fran” doesn’t mean “dyke shit”. Gorsh, that joke never gets old! It’s getting rave reviews:
“I think it’s a reality show? Whatevs… Sam is hawt.” – some CrossSlut
“Toldja.” – your bro who thinks CrossFit is gay
“Dumbest shit I’ve ever- wait, isn’t that the guy from A Few Good Men?” – Me
Next thing: this shit (I’m warning you – don’t watch it). When so-and-so from that video emails me telling me I’m a retard and I didn’t get the joke, I’ll have to claim ignorance. No really, I didn’t watch past the 25 second mark because it seems they’ve changed the lyrics to silly WODy CrossFitty terms. Terrible. Fuck you and fuck Weird Al Yankovic. The real reason I turned it off at 25 seconds was because I saw this:
Which made me feel exactly like this:
Next thing: Fashletics. They combined the word fashion… and… athletics… in a victorious effort to make your dick shrink. They sell lil’ necklaces and charms for the laydeez (who want people to ask them what that “3-2-1 go!” charm means so they can bore the fuck out them by talking about exercise). Meh. I wasn’t that bothered by them til they pissed off my bro’s Michael J. Fox and Stephen Hawking.
Last up: Fuck, not Rogue. I actually like Rogue Fitness. They make good (kinda overpriced, but whatever) equipment and they don’t sell much pointless bullshit. Until now:
When are these people going to fucking learn that restricting your breathing DOES NOT simulate altitude training? Even grumpy Ronnie Teasdale knows that, right? Nope.
"I'm only wearing this because I'm sick of smelling your fear."
beastmodal domains 
#1 by Drywall on February 1, 2012 - 11:38 AM
People are acting like they’ve never slapped some bitch during their workout before.
#2 by EPIC on February 1, 2012 - 11:44 AM
Slapping broads is my warmup.
#3 by JAY on February 1, 2012 - 11:43 AM
Oh, this is good. Real good.
#4 by P on February 1, 2012 - 11:44 AM
was about time
#5 by CM on February 1, 2012 - 11:49 AM
Kind of ironic that Teasdale flipped his shit for getting busted for cheating…
http://crossfitmeanstreets.com/2011/04/27/the-crossfit-games-open-and-the-fucking-cheaters/
#6 by EPIC on February 1, 2012 - 11:59 AM
Holy shit.
#7 by sean on February 1, 2012 - 12:51 PM
lolz. Only cheating if you are caught and don’t assault the judge
#8 by Roy on February 1, 2012 - 2:13 PM
LOLOLOL What a douche.
#9 by TonyFuckinGBider on February 1, 2012 - 11:45 PM
So… So… So remember this. If you use so one more time. I swear to god. @Teasdale.
#10 by Mike on February 1, 2012 - 11:58 AM
“When I get tired of telling people to eat less crap and eat more protein, I take a break and read Beastmodal Domains, and then I get the fuck back to work”
—Mike, from Dynamic Nutrition
#11 by Johnny Utah on February 1, 2012 - 12:05 PM
Reading “and got called out by Dave Castro”…….made me LOL.
Lemme know when the Director of Training for Crossfit, has a total over 900lbs.
/That Teasdale cat seems like he would fit in well at HQ tho.
#12 by JTSays on February 1, 2012 - 12:10 PM
I would rather go to McDonalds, steal a damn straw and breathe through that when I train… I would look just as dumbassy but would save myself the $89.95 (plus tax and shipping). That is the worst fitness invention I have ever seen. Less hair is different from less pressure air… if you want to become a badass athlete at high altitudes.. go to Colorado Springs and train like our OLYMPIANS… cause you can be damn sure they would rather be ass-raped by a Bulgarian than put on of these on.
Get a missed rep call on me and I pushed a bitch and didn’t get bustes no #crossfitproblems here! WHich just leaves me more time to perfect my side-slit jorts… which are crucial for elite performance…
I’m waiting for Reebok to patent that shit.
“Prebok”…. amazing. That was the same situation as Matt Murski, but he atleast had resoning behind his. Doing the movement in the fastest, most efficient way…. I say let them bounce
#13 by Jimmy on February 1, 2012 - 12:14 PM
I want to photoshop a dildo on the mouth piece of that gas mask in the Teasdale photo…………but I’m not in the mood to do a Google image search for “huge black dildos”.
#14 by Hella on February 2, 2012 - 7:22 PM
It’s almost definitely in your prior search history. Should be pretty easy to find.
#15 by t on February 1, 2012 - 12:17 PM
nice.. i saw something that annoyed me the other day on the Crossfit FB page. It said WOD anywhere and showed someone throwing up a kettleball on a nice beach.. F that if i am on a beach.. i am drinking or surfing.. or looking at the girls.. keep the wods in the box..
#16 by vicious89x on February 1, 2012 - 12:23 PM
THE SPORT OF ASPHYXIATION HAS ARRIVED
#17 by Andy on February 1, 2012 - 1:46 PM
FTW !!
#18 by Justin on February 1, 2012 - 3:37 PM
Oxygen is for pussies.
#19 by MZ on February 1, 2012 - 10:04 PM
+1 lol
#20 by Dedik on February 1, 2012 - 12:24 PM
I’m so glad you brought Rogue up. It seems they are falling into the shit slide that Crossfit is creating and it saddens me. They posted a hand treatment kid that was basically moisturizer and a pumice stone, for 21$. Pumice stone + burts bees = 10$ Fuck those guys.
#21 by fatCARNAGEsloth on February 1, 2012 - 7:15 PM
Ive been using that stuff for the past year, worth every dime.
Don’t judge till you try it.
#22 by Dedik on February 2, 2012 - 10:10 AM
My gym uses a ton of Rogue equipment (plates, sandbags, bars, etc.) and I own their hoody and their do-win oly shoes. So I have tried and I do like.
What I was saying is that it is sad to see them fall into the mass marketing of idiotic, unneeded products such as the Gimp mask and hand repair kit. I can’t say that I blame them because you know some crossfit n00b out there will buy the shit the minute it comes out. Just sad to see the glassman influence starting to creep into their quality products.
#23 by dumptruck on February 1, 2012 - 12:38 PM
That gas mask thing would be perfect for getting the most out of your masturbation sessions.
#24 by sean on February 1, 2012 - 12:53 PM
Coming soon. Jorts by Reebok. Pretorn and split. $85.
#25 by courtlandistan on February 1, 2012 - 1:01 PM
I hit the 7 a.m. sessions at Invictus in San Diego. When I feel like a hamster with hangover, I just read this stuff and promise myself I will never drink again.
#26 by Stonie on February 1, 2012 - 1:16 PM
Jesus, read a physiology book. Training for an 8 min WOD won’t increase RBC capacity which is the point of altitude training is. It just suffocates you/kills you.
I’ll be sure to recommend it to a few people.
#27 by Hella on February 2, 2012 - 7:19 PM
I think the point of training with the mask is more about learning how to manage additional/unnecessary stress on your body so that when you do eventually do an event without it, it feels substantially easier.
A lot of that stuff is about mental toughness.
#28 by EPIC on February 2, 2012 - 8:43 PM
If that’s the point why do they call it the “Elevation Mask”? Call a spade a spade: “The-90-Dollars-For-Restricted-Breathing-So-N00bs-Will-Think-You’re-Eleet-Mask”
#29 by Hella on February 2, 2012 - 9:11 PM
I’m sure that’s what they market it as, but most of the people I know who train with it use it for the mental aspect.
When those things first came on the market that’s basically how they were marketed.
#30 by thatboyatx on February 3, 2012 - 10:52 AM
I think when they first came on the market circa 1850 they were marketed as a way to keep from dying when you were destrominating a f@#ing fire / getting attacked by zee germans and didn’t want to breath chlorine gas. EPIC is right… it’s just a way for someone to feel more bad@$$ in front of chicks!
#31 by Ryne on February 5, 2012 - 6:06 PM
You know what works mental toughness? Working harder.
#32 by Jack Cambra on February 1, 2012 - 1:28 PM
Arm bend before contact with ground= no rep
Arm bend after bar hits ground as a result of hitting the ground with hands still in contact with the bar = good rep (see Ben Smith at 2011 Crossfit Games)
Need to know what you are actually looking at people.
#33 by Chris on February 2, 2012 - 5:01 PM
At one point he lets go of the bar, then grabs it again while it’s still in the air after a bounce. Anyone that’s lifted with quality bumpers or even hi-temp bumpers knows it’s obvious in this case.
#34 by Hella on February 2, 2012 - 7:16 PM
Watch Ben Smith around 1:15, and again later on through the workout. The rules just say you can’t bounce with bent arms.
#35 by Johnny Utah on February 1, 2012 - 1:32 PM
Speaking of ol’ Rougie…..fish oil anybody?
Don’t know quite what to think about this….
#36 by Stonie on February 1, 2012 - 1:43 PM
He reminds of this chick I once went on a date with…..just wouldn’t shut the fuck up about herself.
http://crossfitmeanstreets.com/2010/07/31/the-diet-of-ronnie-teasdale-and-crossfit-mean-streets-los-angeles-sunday-mass/
#37 by D. Victor on February 1, 2012 - 2:00 PM
This is the stupidest site I’ve ever seen. I like the idea of satirizing crossfit but the writer just isn’t that funny. Also, his concept of “weakness” as pointing to the physically challenged further demonstrates what an idiot this guy is.
Lame.
#38 by VP on February 1, 2012 - 3:45 PM
So to you it’s not funny? Then don’t read it…an go find a sense of humor….
#39 by Jimmy on February 1, 2012 - 4:17 PM
Yep….. https://beastmodaldomains.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/duty_calls.png
#40 by Dedik on February 1, 2012 - 4:52 PM
He was responding to the opinionated blanket statement and marketing mantra of certain Crossfitters that “weakness is a choice.” Laziness and poor diets are choices, not weakness.
Also, what VP said.
#41 by Matty on February 3, 2012 - 8:59 PM
lol sorry D.Victor but in this instance you fall into the 5%.
#42 by Jonathan on February 1, 2012 - 2:43 PM
Crosshit it is! Go Rogue and “git ure” high altitude training. Use a paper bag. Then you can draw a face on it like the new Crosshit kb’s I’m seeing. Better yet, go elite and use plastic. Fuck it, waterboarding for time.
#43 by MZ on February 1, 2012 - 10:07 PM
i lost my shit at waterboarding for time. awesome
#44 by Sweet Assassin on February 1, 2012 - 3:20 PM
Preach!
#45 by Drake on February 1, 2012 - 3:41 PM
What a douchbag!
#46 by Nick on February 1, 2012 - 4:51 PM
That picture with him holding swords had me in tears… “Way too many heads attached to bodies up in this bitch”. CLASSIC. Thanks for the laugh bro
#47 by Jay on February 1, 2012 - 6:46 PM
Please tell me someone else saw the future of crossfit on the biggest loser last night? Nothing like seeing Fran done by 300 pound “elite” obese people on national television!
#48 by Jamie on February 1, 2012 - 6:56 PM
Those shorts are an abomination!
#49 by CoachOC on February 1, 2012 - 9:01 PM
A bad habit of mine is reading every paragraph “Beast Mode” puts out. (that is still a compliment bro.) Always entertained but, you hit the nail on the head compadre. I don’t want to puke back up the kool aid you’re stirring, but, I feel that there are quite a few of us CF “OG’s” who are fighting our cynical urges because we still want people to hang out with us. It’s hard to imagine positively affecting our community without winning something or jerking 405 (sick right?) Dude, back in the day, I remember if you were a grown ass man, probably with a beard, and you did a muscle-up? A muscle up? Gregg Glassman flew to your house, shook your hand, they made you a coach, and guesss who is on maint site bitch! I say keep it relative people. Don’t get swallowed by $500 Million. In Beast Mode terms, “fuck it”. Get your certs, do your homework, affiliate, and do your own thing damn it.
On that Teasdale wackness, Does everyone think that people who box jump can kick box? Don’t blame that man for flipping out, it’s not his fault. Perhaps a few people have accidentally confused his clean and jerk with his self-defense capabilities. Treat a grown woman like that in a hundred other public venues, and somebody with a boxing background should eventually show up and help him out. That judging situation had to have been frustrating, two judges not on the same page, (fuck that noise). Insert ethics now, before Reebok has a trophy made that’s the size of the Empire State Building and it gets really serious. Romanowski spit in a Broncos face in the late 90’s and that was racist as hell. NFL back than still made that white man pay big money and sit out 6 games. Federal courts let linebackers go free on a murder trial, but, the NFL wont let them get away with shit. I can’t wait for the days when parents measure their kids food, force them to repeat meet-cons twice a day, and enter them in competitions. Sit off to the side, watching their kids lazily crush WOD’s as they get drunk, disucss the days they use to do “Grace” in under 2 minutes, and slap-fight with another dad in the bleachers doing the same thing.
#50 by Matty on February 3, 2012 - 9:04 PM
wow, thanks. This makes my own cynicism look like a scene from The Sound of Music.
#51 by cat on February 1, 2012 - 9:10 PM
he likes her, duh. thats how boys show they care… see:
-note the same outfit.. correlation? mayhaps..
#52 by klowe on February 1, 2012 - 9:11 PM
Thank you for calling out the “I have no clue about human physiology and I bought this stupid mask because I saw some other idiot wearing it” masks. I hate those almost as much as knee high socks.
#53 by Nathan Greaves on February 2, 2012 - 4:50 AM
I think Rogue are taking the zombie apocalypse a little too seriously! There were some pretty hot CrossSluts in that video, although I wouldnt be able to resist giving them the Teasdale treatment if I ever saw them!
#54 by JD on February 2, 2012 - 11:48 AM
Gas masks are weak. I get an extra strength plastic contractors bag, one pencil hole, and duct that shit up so the hole is in the back. Because I’m a man.
#55 by droszyk on February 3, 2012 - 9:00 PM
True that!! I do burpees in a zipped up body bag!
#56 by jk5454 on February 2, 2012 - 1:18 PM
Wow, that fucking trailer is amazing. Only way I could see it getting greenlighted is if it went to showtime as an after hours adult B-movie with some softcore porn, but then I’m afraind Kristin Clevar might get in the action.
#57 by Dr. Barry Hungwell on February 2, 2012 - 6:44 PM
Broseph has one sweet ass faux hawk.
Ree-gel CrossMoose?
I think so.
#58 by Wes on February 2, 2012 - 11:47 PM
So after reading your blog for the past 7 months I finally want to say thank you. Thanks for saying all the shit i think but am not clever enough to say in such a way as you do. I like CrossFit but kind of hate what it’s becoming. My first WOD was jan 2007 and now things are ridiculous. I hate people thinking they are so fucking hardcore for doing a workout, it’s a fucking workout, that’s it. I have done some pretty hard shit and CrossFit has helped me but doesn’t define me. It’s like they have never done anything hard in their life, kind of pathetic. I’ve definitely taken some of your shit and put it into my training, kipping only when necessary (which is rare), strict/weighted pullups now, no high rep box jumps (fucking smart) and no SDHP. Sorry if it sounds like I’m blowing you but I’m not, just appreciative of the shit you say about topics that need to be brought up, hopefully people read this shit that need to hear it. Thanks again.
#59 by Matty on February 3, 2012 - 9:06 PM
eh? CrossFit doesn’t define you? What the hell is wrong with you?
#60 by Wes on February 4, 2012 - 6:54 PM
I’m not sure. I’ll have to reevaluate my priorities. Thanks for helping realize this Matty.
#61 by JortWOD on February 3, 2012 - 4:15 PM
Ha, Ronnie just posted the Katana pic as his facebook profile picture. He described it as “a Superfan’s rendition of me.”
http://www.facebook.com/squanine
#62 by Gavin on February 4, 2012 - 3:41 PM
He looks so much like Lil Abner it’s scary… http://www.toonopedia.com/abner.jpg and http://www.upress.state.ms.us/images/book-covers/0878057137.jpg
#63 by Zac on February 8, 2012 - 10:33 PM
This is the first post of yours I have ever had the pleasure of reading…
Its nice when you find someone who eloquently writes EXACTLY what you were thinking.
You sir are my new favs
Hugs and kisses,
Some douche bag
#64 by Tahir on February 19, 2012 - 12:01 AM
This article is whack!